|Reviews for Tsukihime: Shiki's Journal|
| superecho chapter 1 . 12/12/2009
I like it! Great job. I really like Tohno Shiki and Arcueid together!
| XxMisaki EndouxX chapter 1 . 2/3/2009
This... is... GREAT! XD
Awesome... but wasn't Arcueid a bit OOC on that last passage...? :
In any case, AWESOME WORK! :))
| The Lordaeron Paladin chapter 1 . 6/22/2008
Hmm... a story of good length that goes well beyond the scope of the canon? Nice. In journal/diary form? Great! 3500 words? Perfect! For... critique.
Let's see... I'll help you with a full review and see what can be said about it. I have this habit of giving critiques in a fixed format like this:
1) Grammar/Word Use/Punctuation/Anything else dictionary related. Not many errors I can see, but there are a few.
"I think I’m going to go insane."
Wouldn't "Going insane" be better?
"Satsuki saw turned and saw me and ran to my side wondering what was wrong."
"Saw turned and saw me and ran to my side?" I am at a loss for understanding. I think that the first "saw" shouldn't have been there. Also, I think that if there are three or more consecutive actions, you should have it down in this format: Character X does A, does B, does C and does D. Don't use "and" all the time.
"I returned home after than and was greeted warmly by Hisui-san, Kohaku-san, Akiha, Len, and Miyako."
I think "than" should have been "that"
"there was no signs of blood on my sheets."
One, there is only one sheet. Two, "was" doesn't go with "signs"
"About 3 days ago, 2 le I was talking to Satsuki and Inui outside of school at the gates, I was suddenly compelled to…decapitate them both into little tiny pieces and bathe in their blood."
"2 le"? What do you mean? And one more, you don't decapitate people into pieces. When you decapitate someone, you just make sure their head is off. You must have meant "shred them into pieces", IMO.
"The influence to kill had dissipated for now."
"influence" doesn't go well here. Why use a more complex word when a simpler "urge" is enough?
"and with me that is extremely dangerous"
"with" should be "to"
"Although…my plans where not as I wanted since Kohaku actually invited Miyako, Len, Hisui, and even Akiha to come with us. "
Did you mean "were not as I wanted"?
"”Please understand Master Shiki that I am this way not because I hate you so please don’t think of that. The matter is that I’m only trying my best to make you happy. I’ve been hiding my true feelings for you that I actually really love you a lot. But I did not want to jeopardize you in anyway and I don’t want you to get in trouble with Master Akiha. Besides I know that you love miss Arcuied so I hid my emotions. I’m sorry If I worried you. Let us please just enjoy the view.”"
Is it a machine gun Hisui was firing? Maybe not. But you implied it by including no comma at all in these sentences, while there should have been a lot of them.
"or else I’ll just keep coming back"
WHAT will just keep coming back? I imply it is his urge to kill and not himself, so it's not a good choice to use "I" here, IMO.
Alright, let's see... there is actually not too many flaws that you have. Just watch the word use and punctuation and you will be able to pull of a great story, at least in terms of grammar and word use.
Now, on to the second part.
2) The story itself.
- Concept: I normally don't take too kindly to first perspective, as it would often make the story subjective and hard to add descriptions. But in this case, when what matters is the internal turbulence of a character's mental states, the first person perspective is a good choice.
- How the story went: The flow was smooth, and logical. Not much can be said about it, you did a great job. The inclusion of the last two tags, ~Shiki Tohno, Deceased~ and ~Arcueid Brunestud~ were quite interesting. Nice job with that.
Alright, in the end, I can only say that your writing is very good, the story's flow is logical and all, and... yes, it is a surprise that I am the first to post a review.
Hope you better luck should another "forum competition" come.
Artix von Krieger's Devout Follower.