|Reviews for Marriage laws|
| BabyPlasticine chapter 2 . 12/15/2009
I hope you don't mind but I think I want to go through this chapter with a fine comb for you since at least the beginning is ways better than the first.
/Albus smiled at then./
- typo: them
/I think maybe we go past truce and at least try to be friends.”/
- maybe we shall go OR maybe we should go
/Harry accepted the hand of friendship he turned down in first year. /
- he had turned down
- "Okay, sir."
/Where Severus led him to a painting of Salazar where the password ‘Draconis’ opened the painting./
- Replace the first 'where' with 'there' or 'once down there'
- "a painting of Salazar which swung forward/ opened with the password 'Draconis'.
/He counted two doors off the room besides were they came in./
- where they came in
OR besides the one they came in through
OR besides the one they entered the room through
OR besides the one through which they entered the room
/I mean not even Fudge could be as cruel as to pare you up with that man./
- it's spelled 'pair' (someone up with someone)
/Now we have a former death eater teaching Defence. What a farce./
- Okay, this isn't actually a mistake, it's just a stylistic note - I think you're overusing the word 'farce'.
/That has to be worse then Snape./
- Something is better THAN some other thing. We first do something, THEN some other thing.
/Harry had received the necessary marks to carry on with Potions, DADA, transfiguration, charms and herbology, potions though by some miracle./
- Aren't all the names of the classes written with a capital letter?
- through some miracle
/Harry dealt with the odd looks for the day and the talking as he knew word had gone around, well enough all day./
- Care to revise this sentence?
/Harry was about to point out he got this far in the class but he knew Draco was right so he held his tongue./
- he had got this far
/-and harry had to admit he and Draco managed to work well and he noted that he and Draco were able to carry a conversation./
- were even able to (just a suggestion this one)
/Well let’s see your potion Mr Fletchery./
- Well, let's
- Justin Finch-Fletchley
/-even when he saw Justin’s death like glare he was shooting Harry as he left the room./
- even when he saw the death-like glare Justin was shooting at Harry as he left the room.
| BabyPlasticine chapter 1 . 12/15/2009
Your style of writing isn't what I'd describe as invested. I've only read the first chapter but in addition to a beta (who'd tell you to take out all the 'anyways-es' to start with) you need to develop your writing in a direction that let's the reader better inside characters' heads.
Things that might be added in this chapter are for example:
- students' outrage at the new law, more than through dialogue, someone might throw up or have a panic attack
- students run straight to the conclusion that their bonds will be chosen for them, Umbridge could say something about how they are decided upon
- physical reactions for Harry during his and Snape's bonding, sweating, trembling, dizziness, teariness you never say he's scared? your Harry seems to go through the motions of telling he doesn't want to marry Snape but what ever shock he may be in doesn't come through to the reader
Generally your writing seems to lean very heavily on dialogue, you should describe feelings more subtly or in more detail than what the characters may be able to express verbally.
| m chapter 52 . 11/21/2009
In the epilogue, why is Hagrid alive again? At the beginning of the story, you said Hagrid died but at the end you said he retired...
| Kathleen Yuki chapter 52 . 8/23/2009
that was really good. i really liked this story... i would gladly read it for a second time. i rather liked the ending... it ended just right. keep up the good work and i hope to read more of your stories soon.
| LiT chapter 52 . 8/21/2009
good story wish it hadn't ended... thanks for sharing.
| awertvegtr chapter 24 . 8/4/2009
Hmm. Nice chapter.
You know, recently, The Montreal Institute of Medicine (Canada) found a link between morning sickness and the child's IQ.
The more morning sickness a mother has, the more intelligent the child will be.
| Crazy Joe IFBA chapter 34 . 8/3/2009
AWESOME! I LOVE THIS STORY!
Crazy Joe IFBA
| iluvromance909 chapter 2 . 8/2/2009
The idea for this fic is interesting and I would love to read it, but you use the word 'assume' so many times it has gotten on my nerves to the point I need to leave. When writing, try not to use the same word more than once every three hundred words (words like 'I', 'the', 'and' and names excluded, of course) and the whole thing will flow much better. 'I presume' instead of 'I assume' actually fits better in most of the cases in this fic, anyway, as does 'I suppose'.
| Fernsfairie chapter 52 . 7/19/2009
What a wonderful slash story. I've been reading more slash and mpreg lately because they tend to end happier. Plus I like Snarry... In an odd way. Snape can work with so many different people, just like Hermione. Oh well, happy writing!
| HiDiNgFrOmYoU chapter 19 . 4/1/2009
OMFG! God Lord...I'm sorry...this is WELL WRITTEN and a good plot but I cannot read another paragraph.
I know a lot of people like this story but I CANNOT read it anymore.
You are writing the SAME EXACT plot from to perspectives! The SAME! There is like NO large differences! I'm sorry but that IRKS the ever loving sh!t outta me.
GOOD sotry but I give up. I swear I'm gonna start cussing out my laptop if I don't stop reading now.
Please don't think this isn't good, it is but 'I' cannot handle it anymore...others may like if much more than I.
| Heksie chapter 52 . 3/27/2009
GREAT FIC - SWEET ENDING!
| SparklesTheQueen chapter 11 . 3/23/2009
thank god you ended this chapter on a happy note, i was so close to crying at it all, it was so emotion and deep.
| Leentje chapter 52 . 2/21/2009
wow very very good story
i really liked it keep up the graet work and keep writing
| jwstahle chapter 52 . 1/17/2009
i loved this story so much. please continue to wrtie as you are very good at it.
| Kathleen Yuki chapter 43 . 1/8/2009
this chapter was rather good. nice confrontation between Vernon and Harry, a little short though. But i still liked it. But you also have a typo of sorts towards the bottom. at the end of the 5th paragraph from the bottom. Where Severus had to stop looking at harry as a child. You have it as "start". just thought i'd let you know. (was a little confusing when i read it) keep up the good work and I can't wait to finish the story and see how it ends.