|Reviews for The Path to Redemption|
| LetItFlow0992 chapter 9 . 3/22/2014
A really great story. Nice to know what could have happened if Zane hadn't given up everything he was to gain victory.
Me (still looking through Jaden's things): What's this?
I pick out up a tattered old book from Jaden's clutter.
Me: Huh? Jaden's got a book. Chazz'll be surprised this. (Hmph. He doesn't know Jaden's been borrowing Harry Potter from the library). Wonder it is?
I open the book.
Me (eyes widening): It's his diary. Oh! This will seal my debt with Alexis for sure! Let's see- just need something really good.
I sift through the pages, making various comments.
Me: Mmmhm. Uh-huh. Yep. Mmmhmm. Yubel, wonder who that could be? Uhhuh. Mmm. We all know that. oh wait-
I find a particular entry.
Me (reading): I thought of her again last night before I went to sleep. At first, how I felt about her was equal to how I feel about friends and duelling, but lately now, my feelings for her have been the stronger one. Can it be? Do I really love her? My heart tells me I am. Then I guess I do. I love Alexis...
Me (normally): No wonder he has this thing. I had no idea he was such a romantic.
The diary is suddenly pulled out of my hands. I look to my left and find myself staring into brown eyes that were usually cheerful but were now extremely fierce.
Jaden: What...do you think...you're doing?
Me: Uhhh, look Jaden, I didn't mean, it was a, it was a-
What am I doing? If I dob Alexis in, she'll dish out twice the pain.
Me (sighing): I've got nothing.
Jaden glared harder.
Winged Kuriboh appeared and attacked me in a scratching flurry.
Me: AHH! OW! OW! AH! OW! ATT-
Then the idea hit me.
Me: Atticus dared me to!
Kuriboh stopped and returned to the deck.
Jaden: What do you mean, Atticus dared you to?
Me: You know how I didn't end up being on the streaker idea?
Me: Well, I requested not to be on it. He said we were all on it. I pleaded and pleaded. I thought he wasn't going to cave, but then he did as long as I did something for him.
Jaden: Which was?
Me: Well, uhhh, you know how he's been trying to set Alexis up with you, uhh datewise?
Me: Okay, he thought he wasn't doing very well on Alexis' side, so he thought it might be better to try it on your side. He wanted me to get him proof that you liked her.
Jaden leaned forward and poked me in the chest. Hard.
Jaden: You breathe one word of what I've written in here to anyone, and I'll set Flame Wingman on you.
I nodded furiously.
Me: Yeah okay, but what about Atticus?
Jaden: Leave him to me.
I shrug and break the fourth wall.
Me: Well! He started this whole mess!
| LetItFlow0992 chapter 8 . 3/22/2014
Ahh, good. Everything's fixed up.
Violet knocks on the door.
Violet: LetItFlow, I know you're in there.
Me: Ahh, just a sec. I need to find my-
Violet: What are you doing in Jaden's room?
Me: My job!
Violet: Ohhh! Right.
Me (shaking my head as I look through Jaden's things): How did I get myself into this?
| LetItFlow0992 chapter 7 . 3/22/2014
Alexis: See? I told you it was a bad idea when my brother tries to prank someone.
Me (covering my eyes as the recent memory plays in my head): Lucky I pulled out yesterday.
Violet: How did you manage that?
Me (grimacing): I, kind of promised to help him with another venture.
Alexis (stares at me darkly): What other venture?
Me (guiltily): Setting you and Jaden up on a blind date.
Alexis turns brick red.
Alexis: I'M GONNA KILL HIM!
She tears off for wherever Atticus may be right now.
Annie: You got out of that one.
Rosa: He confessed his crime, Senorita Annie.
I shake my head.
Me: No. She'll deal with Atticus first because he's done this before with Chazz, then she'll come after me. I better get this review done before she gets back.
Okay, that was embarrassing but funny. Glad Crowler wasn't in a bad mood, otherwise who knows? And I agree with Syrus. Everything else has been tried so an intervention is needed. Really good chapter. Hope I get to read more.
I turn around to face her and hold up my hands in surrender.
Me: I accept my punishment.
Alexis (smiling): Relax, you're getting off easy. You're a first-timer, unlike my brother.
Alexis' smile turns into a devilish grin.
Alexis: I want you to be my spy.
Me (looking at her in fright): Spy For what? On whom?
Alexis: You know whom.
I gulp, realising I did know. And that I was going to get hurt for it if found out.
| LetItFlow0992 chapter 6 . 3/22/2014
So many things to talk about here...
First of all, loved the pie routine with Atticus and Jaden. I laughed out loud, especially when Atticus got his own back.
Second, I have got to say I absolutely love The Phantom of the Opera, so thanks for that little nod to the greatest stage musical of all time.
Third, what the- This is sarcasm. Thanks very much for that image of Dr. Crowler.
Additionally, good job to everyone else on the stage tonight. But it STILL didn't work. Wait-Atticus is plotting a prank. Give me a moment here...
Me: Hey Alexis?
Me: What does it mean when your brother is planning a prank?
Alexis: If you're planning it with him, get out of it. If you're the intended victim, get out of it. If you know he's going to do it to someone else, get out of it and tell those people to get out of it.
Me: Why are you always saying get out of it?
Alexis: Two things. One, it's impossible to tell him to get out of it. Two, it's because his pranks lead to big trouble, huge embarrassment or both.
Me (gulping): Okay, Lex. Thanks.
Okay, I'm back. I've got one word to say about whatever Atticus is planning. UUUUUUUUHOH!
| LetItFlow0992 chapter 5 . 3/22/2014
Okay, it wasn't a good sign. He's shutting everyone out, even Alexis. Hope Operation: Laughin' Kaiser works out.
| LetItFlow0992 chapter 4 . 3/22/2014
Okay...he wants to be with his brother. That's a good sign...I hope.
| LetItFlow0992 chapter 3 . 3/22/2014
I hope Zane outwardly appreciates everything his friends do for him. I would if I was feeling that down.
| LetItFlow0992 chapter 2 . 3/22/2014
It's not entirely out of character. These things happen to other characters in the actual anime eg Jaden after he's lost his duel with Aster, Bastian after having his heart crushed by Tania (I really should say him falling in love with Tania is OOC for him, but that doesn't really compare with what Zane's feeling at the moment).
| LetItFlow0992 chapter 1 . 3/22/2014
Nice! He's avoided the path which brought him really close to death's door.
| chibiasterphoenix456 chapter 9 . 3/30/2013
I loves it! :-)
| Kurora chapter 9 . 7/24/2012
You have no idea how much I loved this. :) I remember Zane being one of my favorite characters, and I was crushed when went psycho. I RAGED when we didn't see enough of him after that. I've read a whole bunch of your stories, and I LOVE this version of the Yugi-verse, as you call it!
| Lily Truesdale chapter 2 . 11/19/2011
I have no idea if I reviewed this chp or not but still. Great chapter Peachie! I'm trying to re-read all of the series so I'll know whats going on in Darkness Falls. You're an awesome writer and I really do wish my writing can be as good as yours eventually...
| Higuchimon chapter 9 . 9/16/2010
...I know that the dub made Kenzan an army freak instead of a dinosaur freak, but this is honestly too much. Once again, you're going way over the top and it doesn't mesh at all with the spirit of GX. If they'd be doing anything, they'd be dueling him, trying to see what that can do to help, not getting him to go jogging.
...um, no. Ryou didn't face D-Hero Dread Guy. Edo didn't use those cards until the next day with his duel against Juudai. He used Elemental Heroes and their alternate fusions against Ryou, and this is something I myself only realized recently: all of Ryou's life point loss in that duel were lost by *RYOU HIMSELF*. Here, I'll show you.
In Ryou's second turn, he used Power Bond to summon Cyber Twin Dragon, but couldn't finish off Edo then. When he ended his turn, that inflicted the damage from Power Bond onto him (which is the first of the two times he ever had to suffer the effect also), which was 2800 damage. That left him with 1200 LP.
On his third turn, he paid half of his life points to use Cybernetic Fusion support, which cut him down to six hundred. Then when he attacked Edo's Shining Phoenix Guy, Edo activated a trap card that increased SPG's attack strength, and Ryou took nine hundred points of backlash damage. And as I said, he only had six hundred life points left.
Ryou defeated himself in that duel. Granted, not everyone realized this then but if you ever want to write about him again post that duel, I highly suggest that you take that into account.
To be honest, the way you have Jaden say that bit about not being able to see his cards...it comes across as very weak and pathetic. "It was scary". Is that the best he can say about it?
I honestly can't blame Zane for ditching them. They're constantly after him to do things that aren't helping and that he doesn't want to do. And honestly...what's bothering him *isn't any of their business*. It's his and his alone.
And yet, they can't just leave him be to let him work things through on his own, and we're supposed to support them in this, right? Sorry, it doesn't work like that. What he honestly should be doing is trying to figure out how to win duels, period. Not moping around whining.
You might want to check this over as well. You have many places where a new paragraph starts in the middle of a sentence, such as here: [The British-accented boy nodded and said, "We're open to suggestions of how to cheer Zane up and that means the use of more…unorthodox methods. Everyone, we suggest that you
begin thinking of different ways to get Zane to…well, we'll settle for a smirk. So begin thinking of ways to make Zane happy…"]
Also, that's still out of character for Misawa. "Happy" isn't the issue. WINNING DUELS is the issue. To quote a previous reviewer, there's a lot of smoke and mirrors, but no actual content here that would support why Zane did what he did.
To be honest, I get the impression that you think "being alone" is the most horrifying event that could ever happen. But see...that's not how these characters would think. Most of them have wanted to be alone at some point, and it doesn't terrify them. Friends don't have to be around each other constantly to support each other.
...oh, you cannot expect anyone to believe that a group of people are *all* going to be afraid of the exact same thing for the exact same reasons. That's ridiculous. Even if they *were* all afraid of clowns, why not some *different* reasons?
Besides, Tim Curry's performance of Pennywise in "IT" was about ten thousand times scarier.
Also, those suggestions for how to get him there come across as a variation on brainwashing. In fact, this whole situation does. "You are going to do what I want you to do, until you say/think/believe what I want you to do and there is nothing you can do to stop me." They're not letting him do anything he actually *wants* to do, to the point he has to ditch them to get some alone time.
Yes. Zane should be thinking about dueling, not about a generic talent show. So why aren't they letting him? Why aren't *THEY* thinking about that? Dueling is their lifeblood, the answer to every problem. They should be lining up to challenge him, to see what his strategies are, to give him something to work against and work for.
He wasn't ever *afraid* to duel. He has no *reason* to be afraid of dueling. The entire problem was *always* that he wasn't *winning* and he didn't know how anymore. Again, more smoke and mirrors that don't do anything to address the real problem.
And here we go with even more direct brainwashing. "You aren't acting the way we want you to act, so we are going to force you to do what we want you to do and you have no choice in the matter". Severely out of character for all of them.
He finally tells them the absolute truth, that he doesn't need their help, and they tell him in effect "We don't care what you think, because you're wrong, because you're not going along with what the group thinks". How in any way is that in character? They aren't (or shouldn't be) a hive mind. They should want what's good for him, not what is necessarily good for EVERYONE. People are different. They have different beliefs, different goals, and different ways to achieve those goals.
And here we go with this bull about Dread Guy again. This is something you would *know* if you'd actually watched the episode with your eyes, or at least looked it up on Wikipedia. That's called research.
None of this makes any amount of sense at all. You're ignoring the real issue of Ryou wanting to win and not being able to by blowing smoke and falsehood all over it.
...you set up the talk between Ryou and Edo and then DITCHED it completely? That conversation would've been pivotal no matter what and you didn't even bother to show it? I honestly can't believe that. Not to mention: Edo didn't even do anything wrong in the first place. It's not his job to lose just so Ryou can keep winning and keep thinking well about himself. It's not his job to even *care* about Ryou's poor widdle feelings. This isn't kindergarten and no one cares if someone stole the crayon you wanted.
No. No, he's not going back into the pros, because he still can't win duels. Having fun was never what he dueled for anyway. He dueled for *respect*. Fun was nice but it wasn't the point with him. It's *JUUDAI* who duels for fun, not Ryou and not Shou. He needs sponsors, which he doesn't have and won't have until he can win duels again. And *nothing* you've done here has shown in any way why he would be able to win duels again. No victories, no sponsors, no sponsors, no contracts, no contracts, no dueling in the Pro Leagues. You don't just walk in there and start dueling. It's a job, and a hard one.
In summation: I don't think you really got anyone's character right, not even for an AU, because the basic premise of the AU isn't something that Ryou (or Zane) would do in the first place. His problems had nothing to do with his actual *loss*, but everything to do with his lack of maturity, his belief that he was perfect, and his stubborn insistence on doing things his way, instead of changing and maturing. That isn't something that being bullied by his brother and so-called friends can fix. That's something he needs to deal with alone.
I highly advise you to do more real research when it comes to canon facts. Because trying to blame it all on Edo was not only inaccurate, but poorly done and insulting. If you're going to try to alter a canon episode, then either rewatch it to make sure you get all the facts right or at *least* look it up on the YGO Wiki, which has the majority of the duels listed there.
Also, try to get the characters' real voices and motivations, because right here and now? They sound very flat and almost all identical.
I do hope this was helpful in figuring out what you did wrong. It's not that it's an AU: it's that it's an implausible and out of character AU.
| Higuchimon chapter 1 . 9/16/2010
Okay, since Ryou is a favorite character of mine and I recently watched a sub/dub comparison on YouTube for this episode, and I've seen the other reviews you received here, I thought it was time I gave it a serious reread and a concrit.
Let's start at the top. Saruyama isn't a "malovelent figure, grinning like Satan". That's too over the top. He's just a sleazy manager, not someone planning to sacrifice Ryou (or Zane) to the forces of evil. I'd suggest something like a smug grin.
You honestly didn't give any actual reason for *why* he decided he'd rather surrender. He just kind of...does it. And to be honest, it sounds more like the author talking than anything *ZANE* would say himself. You don't have his voice at all, even if he were making this decision: because this is a decision he wouldn't make. Even if he chose not to win at any cost, he didn't have to surrender. If this is the point I think it was, he could have still lost on his own terms, by ending his turn. He played Power Bond in that turn: he would've taken four thousand points of damage and he only had a hundred and fifty left.
Also, did you miss the fact that Ryou arranged *at the start of the duel* to get Overload Fusion in his hand? That was the card he removed from play with Different Dimension Capsule in his very first turn. He was thinking back then about how to win the duel. And he *still* could've won it and not done it any cost...because "Hell Kaiser" doesn't depend on him winning or losing the duel. It depends on his thoughts. He could have still played Overload Fusion, summoned Chimeratech Overdragon, and won, then *left the underground*.
But surrendering? No. That isn't in character and any alternate choice *needs to be* a choice that the character would plausibly make in canon. You didn't give any background or reasoning why. A few lines about about "what would I become" doesn't cut it, because honestly? IC-ly? He doesn't care. You didn't give a reason why he should.
I highly doubt they would have just let him out of there. He was there to entertain them. Do we even know if surrendering is *allowed* in underground duels? It doesn't seem likely to me. Of course, that's dependent on what you want to think, but really...doesn't seem all that likely once you think about it.
Also, Shroud is *way* over the top here. That's a problem I've noticed you having with characters in general. Many of them in canon are very restrained, but you have them flip out and effectively act like Looney Tunes characters/villains. And again, what Zane says honestly doesn't sound like it would come out of his mouth at all.
So, just the first chapter, there are two paths that Ryou could've taken that would've made much more sense: either ending his turn and actually losing the duel (and he *could* survive that much damage, because it never specifically says the duels are to the death. That wouldn't make much sense, since most people want the duelists to duel again and again), or winning it but not thinking that he needs to do so without caring about respect. Surrendering isn't an in-character option and you didn't give any reasons why he would think any of that. Ryou *wants to win duels*. That is the basic core of his character, especially at this point.
On to the next chapter. Going home to his parents? Again, not something he'd do. Ryou is a very independent person. He's also a grown man who is making his own way in the world. He seldom touches anyone in canon and the idea of needing a 'mother's hug' is very childish. Not *everyone* thinks like that.
And maybe it's just me, but the idea of Ryou with a Cyber End plushie that he cuddles is ridiculous. For multiple reasons, the first being it's very out of character for him. The second being, he has no reason to own one. He didn't know he'd get Cyber End before he went up to train with Samejima. A Cyber Dragon would be more fitting...assuming he even used them at all then. We don't specifically know that he did. But that's more backstory, which can be individual to each author, than anything else.
And still, the words don't sound like what would come out of Zane's mouth under any circumstances. They feel flat and lifeless and not because of the situation.
If he went anywhere, it's most likely he would've went to Samejima in the mountains anyway. That's someone he trusts and respects, a possible surrogate father figure, someone who taught him everything he knew about respect. If he's trying to keep to that path, then that really is where he'd go, not home to cuddle a plushie he shouldn't even have.
He wasn't "feelnig weird" when he dueled Camula. That was honestly his first hint that he wasn't the respect duelist he thought he was. It wasn't anything anyone did to him, it was the stirrings of self-realization, which he *should* have had agaisnt Inukai anyway. He is a duelist of victory and power. That is what really matters to him, nothing else. That is his character, in dub and sub both.
No, honestly. No, Ryou isn't a "good, sweet boy". Even before he went Hell Kaiser, he was an arrogant, stuck up little snob who couldn't even be bothered to come into the Osisis Red dorm when his *own brother* lived in there, until he came to challenge Juudai for the graduation duel. And then he ever so casually announces that the door's fit is off and he should speak to someone about that. The attitude of a *teacher*, not a student. There are multiple examples of him acting like that in season one. Ryou isn't nice and never has been.
And yes, he *is* out of character, but you still haven't given any solid, factual reasons on why. The choice he made wasn't one that he would've made and there's still no explanation of why he thought any of that in the first place.
Moving on to chapter three. This is full of unnecessary description. I'm pretty sure anyone reading this would've watched the show. We don't need to get detailed lists of what the characters look like. I comes across as pretty ham-handed, really, and could be done much better with lines like "Syrus tugged at the bottom of his yellow jacket and stared up at his friend". That conveys the most important part: that this is set after his promotion to Ra Yellow. Which anyone who watched the show would know anyway.
Basically, don't spend extra lines telling us things we already know when you could be showing us things we don't: like why Zane made such an out of character move to surrender in the first place.
This is just a small note, but to be honest, it's not Mrs. Truesdale's decision on where her son stays when he's visiting. That would be up to the teachers. Given that in canon, they held the Genex tournament on the island and that covered months, it's plausible there are guest rooms somewhere. Probably in the main school building if anywhere. But, no, he seriously needs to cut the apron strings here. Being independent and making his own choices doesn't mean he doesn't love his parents or have a good relationship with them. It means he's becoming an adult who doesn't need mommy to hold his hand all the time.
BASTION MISAWA? With psychology books? The guy who doesn't understand human beings at all? That's almost as out of character as Zane surrendering. Maybe if he were trying to, but that doesn't mean he'd be any good at it.
This is supposed to be past Shou's entrance into Ra Yellow, the part where he was determined to be as good a duelist as Juudai and Ryou and his other friends, to walk beside them instead of trailing along after them. So...why is he being wimpy and whining about how he can't help himself? He should be being eager to do so! His big brother needs him! This is practically the chance of a lifetime for him!
Though, to be honest, by removing Hell Kaiser, you're deleting a ton of character growth for Shou as well. He *would* have went on to become a better duelist than Ryou, using his Roid deck and the Tails Cyber deck together, and not suffering the same effects that Ryou did, because he's more creative and can grow more. I don't see that happening now.
I'm not even going to comment on "Chazz turning Sartorious down". That's out of character in and of itself and lost him *so* much character growth it's ridiculous. Okay, I commented on it anyway. But that's another story.
I looked up Adjustment DIsorder. I've got a few things to say. First of all, trying to make everyone's problem a psychological issue instead of character growth is a very bad habit you have. Hell Kaiser was *vital* to Ryou's growth and self-realization. He needed to learn that he wanted victory at any cost. You don't have to like it. That doesn't change the fact that's what the character is all about.
Not to mention, the actual treatment would be best expressed in the world of GX by *Ryou winning duels*. You know, that thing he's quit doing? Not by sitting on his butt talking about it. Action, not words.
And to be honest, it would be much more interesting if their diagnosis was *wrong*.
Did it ever occur to them to just *leave him be* and let him work things out on his own? Ryou is a very private person, that's obvious all over canon. He isn't close to many people and all of these people would drive him crazy, getting all up in his face and thinking they know what's best for him.
Okay, I'm running out of space for this, so I'll continue it in my next review. Just a couple of things: Syrus/Shou *wasn't* there when Juudai couldn't see his cards. Juudai left them to go mope up on the hilltop. It was Manjoume who came up there to try and talk to him and who attempted to duel him on more than one occasion. Yes, Shou searched the island after he was gone, but Juudai wouldn't have known that at the time.
TBC in the next review.
| Teresa chapter 9 . 8/20/2010
My review appears to have disappeared. I'll try again since I hate depriving authors of concrit.
Will Ferrell, Rocky Horror Picture Show, Harry Potter, Friends, religious preaching.
I didn't come here to read about you. I came here to read about the GX characters. Putting in all the pop culture references you can doesn't mean your writing is good.
You could think about this before you try writing something else just as bad.
Have you not learned, my esteemed communicator,
That the created is not the creator?
As the creator I've praised to satiety
Poe's Monsieur Dupin, his skill and variety,
And have admitted that in my detective work
I owe to my model a deal of selective work.
But is it not on the verge of inanity
To put down to me my creation's crude vanity?
He, the created, would scoff and would sneer,
Where I, the creator, would bow and revere.
So please grip this fact with your cerebral tentacle:
The doll and its maker are never identical.
Think about it before you write another story where every single character is Peach Wookiee in disguise. It's boring. And what you did to Crowler is outright insulting. "Funny" should not have to be at someone else's expense. That gets old in kindergarten. Lip synching to Rocky Horror is OOC and nothing but a cheap shot at a character with an ambiguous design. Lame and intolerant.