Reviews for Thorn of Camorr
The Real F'n Scorp chapter 1 . 2/5/2014
I’m fandom blind here, so I cannot comment upon the canon material you might be using, or the characters themselves, but I have to say that this was an interesting piece. Your opening line ((“So fucking stupid.”)) is a really fabulous way to instantly grab someone’s attention. I found myself instantly wondering what exactly inspired such sentiment. Again, because I don’t know the fandom, so I can’t comment on the relationship between your two characters, but I have to say that I really love the connection you create with them. It is clear Locke is in trouble, very serious trouble in fact, and that Jean is greatly worried about him. That Jean is not willing to give up on him, that he’s willing to fight the Grim Reaper in order to keep him grounded to this world establishes just how closely bound these two friends are.

The way you phrased this right here: ((…into his supine friend’s mouth,)) is really quite interesting. I’ve never seen someone use the word supine before. Most people would just say he was lying face up on the deck of the ship. This was quite a nice switch and sounds more elegant. Good job.

The imagery you create here: ((He looked down at Locke, his skin like marble, bruised and bloody, his nose bent out of place.)) is very nice. I can imagine that Locke looks like death warmed over and can easily figure out that whatever fight he’d gotten into and which put him in this condition, was a bad one.

This was a very short, but nicely written piece that showcases friendship beautifully in my mind and I commend you for it. Fantastic job!
Megalink1126 chapter 1 . 12/16/2013
Okay, so to start with, I don't really know anything about Gentleman Bastard Sequence, so if I say something completely stupid sounding that's probably why, haha.

Anyway, I really liked the relationship you presented here between Jean and Locke. You really did a nice job showing how close the two of them were through the two character's speech and their actions. Even without knowing any canon, you made it pretty obvious that the two of them were sort of like brothers and super close, so very good job with that.

I do have a bit of concrit though. First off, there was a lot of language, and while I personally don't really care a lot about that kind of stuff, it did seem odd that it was in a T-rated fic. A lot of the content seemed more suited for an M-rated fic than anything else. But then again, that is my own personal opinion, so feel free to take from that what you will.

(I did think the language did help to accent a few things here and there though, so I'm definitely not saying you should get rid of it or anything like that.)

The only other thing that I sort of felt was odd was the fact that there was no real resolution to the fic itself. Like, I imagine this was probably complementing some part of the actual canon source so people familiar with the fandom probably know what happens next, but for me, the whole fic sort of just stopped right at the highest point of action without anything really being resolved. I mean, yeah, I get that Locke is about to die and is probably going to die even if this Ibelius person does their thing to try to save him, but the fic just sort of cut off without really resolving one way or another what happens. Even a short little one line reference to what happened I think would have made this fic feel more "complete," as as it is it doesn't seem like a finished story or even scene to me.

So yeah. While I did enjoy reading it, there were a few things in this fic that sort of could be improved upon in my opinion. Still, you did a very good job with it, and I'm glad I read it. :)
Erbanana chapter 1 . 12/10/2013
Yay! Locke and Jean! They swore a lot more in the books, I think. ;-P
starlight.moon.princess chapter 1 . 10/17/2013
Warning: I'm completely fandom blind here :)

This was an interesting piece!
I really liked the fact that you didn't shy away from using abusive language while writing the dialogue - it makes the emotions of the characters that much more effective.
I also really liked the way that Locke(?) speaks in broken statements - [Dying anyways.] They're fragmented, and thus they really help to show just how weak he is.

Well done! :)
StrawberryDuckFeathers chapter 1 . 8/20/2013
. Fandom-blind! . . Reviews Lounge, Too Archive Staffer .

I love how well you show Locke's anger in his language and his dialouge. The way it's split into little parts here: "Fucking stupid. Should have left me there. Dying anyway." makes him sound really grumpy, so I like that effect. I love how you describe Locke's sickness by the way he's throwing up everywhere, and then spitting up blood. It's quite tragic. :( I like how it's subtle, but you can see Jean seems a bit panicky, I think. I like the growing use of ellipses as well, as it's like his words are fading, but so is his life. :( I really like that last line as well, as Jean sounds even more desperate for Locke's survival. I like how we're left with not knowing whether Locke will die or not. The ending gave me the feel that he probably did die. :( Lovely work, but I'm afraid I have no concrit for it. Keep up the good work. :)
SunnyStorms chapter 1 . 7/13/2013
Fandom-blind here as well, coming to you from the Reviews Lounge Forum archives, but regardless, I was pulled right into this little scene here. It's very well written and the dialogue was excellent - good flow and natural-sounding with distinct voices on displayed. Characterization was great as I was able to get a sense for their personalities in just a short while despite being completely unfamiliar to them. I loved that they speak so roughly to each other, but it's obvious that Jean cares for his friend. There's a dark comedic aspect to it too with how they at times speak in a rather understated, casual way even as Locke lies there close to death's door. It's a dialogue-heavy piece but the bits of description in there were good too - crisp and precise to allow me to picture the scene clearly. Overall, well done. (As an aside, the frequent use of strong language in this piece would actually qualify it for an M-rating).
Edhla chapter 1 . 7/4/2013
Hi :) Just as a disclaimer of sorts, I'm not familiar with GBS, so I don't think I'll be able to comment on canon or characterisation, but I'll do my best with everything else.

I really like that you start this with dialogue, and with swearing, no less- really made me sit up straight and pay attention. That said, I thought there was probably too much cursing here... I'm not a prude and I have no problem with swearing in fics in general, but I find that if you use too much you weaken the cursing you do put in. People become a bit numb to it after a while. That said, your "obviously" in your summary kind of implies that this is so canonical that people should just expect these characters to swear up an apocalypse, so if that's the case, do ignore me.

Now, I'm a massive sucker for a sickfic, and this is a great example of one, honestly. I don't know these characters, and I'm still feeling feels. And also eww. Because we can't have bleeding without some good gore. You do that well, too, without going overboard with it.

Tiniest, stupidest SPaG: I'd take out the comma between "coughing" and "sob."

The greatest feels of all are the last line, though. Love it. Honestly gripping stuff. Well done x
Madam'zelleGiry chapter 1 . 1/22/2013
Well, I do have to confess to fandom blindness, but I have to say that I really loved your summary. (:

"The rough edge in his voice was too close to the surface" I liked this way of phrasing the way his voice sounded, but it was a little bit much when you said that he spoke roughly just one line after this one. I would consider changing one of them so that it doesn't seem repetitive.

I like the way that you portray the relationship between these two characters. Even when one is in pain, the other still obviously cares for him. And they aren't phased and pretending to be people that they aren't. I got a real since of the bond between them, and it was very strong. Nicely done! A very interesting scene between friends. Makes me interested in the fandom!

Well done!

Cheers!
ShadedRogue chapter 1 . 1/21/2013
Admittedly, I do not know this fandom or the characters, but through your dialogue between the two, I really get the sense that there's a strong bond between Locke and Jean. I really like that there's not really a lot of context, or at least I have no idea what happened - I'm not sure if people who know the fandom would know what happened - but anyways, I like that there's not a lot of context for what exactly happened because it really highlights the relationship between the two characters. Essentially, it doesn't matter what happened, other than the fact that Locke is severely injured and Jean's worried that he's going to die. I think if I knew what had happened to lead to Locke being injured in greater detail, it would take away the focus of the two character's a bit. I also really like that it starts and ends the way it does - in the middle of a situation with no real resolution; just a quick shot of a desperate situation.

- You seem to switch between 'Gray King' and 'Grey King' a few times
darkaccalia520 chapter 1 . 1/18/2013
Ah, please know I am not terribly familiar with this fandom (I've read another writer's work on the site), but I don't think I needed to. I do know about Locke's unfortunate problem with Ibelius, and I love that you show how worried Jean is for him. The bond these two have is quite strong, and you show that very well. I love the friendly joking, between the two, even in this worrying time.

For critique, I think I would have liked to have seen a bit of varying description in the first full paragraph since you have a bit of repetition with your adjectives, but that's certainly up to you. Also: oh gods. There should be a comma after oh: oh, gods.

Overall, I did enjoy this piece. You really showed the friendship between Jean and Locke well. It was sad, worrying, and funny all in one. Lovely work! :)
ballofstring66 chapter 1 . 1/18/2013
Hi found this on TRL. Loved it. Really well written character interaction and dialogue here. I really enjoy snippets like this where the reader can use their imagination to fill in the background. The precise location or the circumstances just don't matter - the whole point is the relationship between the characters.

I don't know the fandom at all but Locke has clearly been involved in some dangerous event and got very badly injured. His friend has rescued him and is trying to save his life. Locke's pain and distress is very evident and his anger at his friend having obviously risked his lifeto save him.

You have given a great insight in to the strength of this relationship, Locke's character in that he took revenge for other lost comrades, and the pain and fear of death from both sides. Well done.
Rosawyn chapter 1 . 1/16/2013
First off, let me say that I know absolutely nothing about Gentleman Bastard Sequence. I've been told it's like Oceans Eleven meets George R. R. Martin, but I don't know anything about Oceans Eleven either. XD But anyway, I still felt I could generally understand this fic.

I must say I'm impressed that Locke can still move his own body enough to roll over of his own accord, considering how badly he is injured. That just struck me as surprising, and I'm sure it says a lot about his character (some of which I would probably already know if not for my fandom-blindness).

I was surprised when more than halfway through this I realized they were actually on board a ship: "back onto the deck." I'm guessing that's probably another detail in-fandom readers would already know, but it would have helped me personally to get a bit more context as far as setting earlier in this. I know it's short (and I love that it's short, because I'm a huge fan of short fics), but one or two descriptive details about where they are and what they look like and/or are wearing probably wouldn't increase the word-count too much. Not that it doesn't work well as is.

I am impressed at how much you can make me care about these characters I have never heard of before in so few words. I was left at the end hoping desperately along with Jean that Locke would live. I think it works very well to leave it so ambiguous at the end as you do.
Inkfire chapter 1 . 1/15/2013
I enjoyed this fic, the atmosphere seemed pretty dark and rough, both of the characters showing lots of desperation - you made your reader feel for them quite well… I liked the way Jean tried his best to take care of Locke, none too sweetly because it's not their style, but obviously cared and just refused the idea that he might lose him. Locke's pain and the pretty bad state he was in were quite well depicted, I thought you did especially well with his speech, it sounded very breathless and laced with pain. The ending was pretty striking, emotionally with Locke's… well, goodbye… and the way it was still open, the way Jean was so desperate for him to hold on. Well done!
The Death Frisbee chapter 1 . 1/13/2013
Hey there! This is a nice little tag to the end of the first book: You've got the speech patterns down, including not entirely overdoing the cursing and the like.

What this does the best for the Gentleman Bastards series is that it captures the visceral nature of the book, which I think is a good indication as to how fine a tone you've got going on here. I can visualize this really well, just like I can in the book series, and that means you've written something definitely in-keeping. Things like Locke choking on the tea, and Locke's skin being like marble are elegant descriptions of a horrible situation, and work well to get across the imagery without wasting words, which Lynch also does.

SPAG: You've got a single comma splice with "Fuck the Gray King; fuck Camorr," and you spell Gray/Grey both ways - my guess without rechecking the books is that it should be Gray, since Lynch is American.
MessengerOfDreams chapter 1 . 10/25/2012
Whoa. Very, very good piece. Until this moment I was unaware that this section or the book it was based on even existed, so the more you know! You set the scene well, and although the events going on don't make much sense to me, your writing compensated for that. Great description, a well-written relationship between the two that described it well without describing it, and a well-set mood. I'm glad this was added to The Review Lounge Too archives.
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