|Reviews for Pirates of the Caribbean: The Raven's Siren|
| Guest chapter 42 . 8/1/2013
Wait why did they separate….?
| Scarlett O'Hara1992 chapter 42 . 3/8/2011
i can't believe so few people have reviewed this story, i love it!
| yriz3 chapter 42 . 3/7/2011
Not what I expected it to end Like But great story anyway! I am going to read the sequel ;)
| yriz3 chapter 35 . 3/6/2011
Oh god, you're not gonna tell me she's pregnant now is she? cause if that is the case, i'm gonnan stop reading... I just don't like stories where people get knocked up... sorry
| yriz3 chapter 23 . 3/5/2011
I have been reading Your story with so much joy. Really it's a great story, bit I'm really anxious to know when the 'M' themed stuff comes into the story :P and I have a question about something you wrote. Me being Dutch wanted to know what you meant with this.
-"Do you . . happen to be . . . Dutch?" Jack panted as he mustered up the strength to push the blades further away from his neck.
Tim's face had begun to turn red from the effort he was putting up to pushing the blades back to Jack, but managed to hastily reply, "On my . . mother's side."
A sly smirk appeared on Jack's face, and with some effort, he raised his legs and kicked out, connecting instantly with Tim's gut. Tim stumbled back with the wind knocked out of him, disconnecting the blades and giving Jack the opportunity to jump back onto his feet while shouting, "So tha' means yer only half a traitor!" He jumped back as Tim swung at him and landed expertly onto the wide railing. Tim joined him a split second later and they were once again engaged in a sword fight under the moonlight.
"I am NOT a traitor!" Tim hollered and aimed high.-
Because why is Tim only half a traitor? Because his Dutch part is the traitor part(and why is this?) or he's only half because his not dutch part is the traitor part.. xD
I just really want to know this :P
| Ganheim chapter 1 . 10/4/2010
The woman named Em smirked at that. She was the infamous Emelia Kraven,
[I know that “data dump” is a relatively commonly used device, but it’s felt increasingly awkward up to this point and especially here]
she had been its captain for ten long years, which made her 28 years old;
[Never mind that even men were generally past their thirties before taking command of even small vessels, much less the patriarchal culture that wouldn’t have been friendly to a female commander. If this had been presented more as “been captain since x event x years ago” which forced her into the position (or enabled her to make a power grab), then that would’ve been far easier to grasp]
replied in an Irish
He was as tall as Em, but seemed closer to Michael's height which he was taller than the both of them.
[I have no idea what you’re saying here – and this feels like an extremely dense data dump. Why is it a data dump, by the way? Because it’s all packed in together and your audience is extremely likely to dump whatever information you regurgitate at us as soon as the paragraph is gone. Its presentation makes it look more like the list than ]
She herself had all her teeth and was proud of it.
[This is description that’s not overly dense, and feels relevant due to the context – a non-data-dump descrip]
Made of sturdy wood
[Because we all know how common balsa wood is in sailing ships]
power that hteir ship
Tim, his nickname, was very handsome indeed
[Telling, not showing]
bulging bag that
Tim flinched, but otherwise seemed unthreatened
[A flinch seems enough like a thread]
he added with what seemed like a deeper meaning to his words.
[Telling, not showing]
Tim has been enragingly infatuated with her
[What is that? He turns into the Hulk whenever she comes in eyesight? He’s bashful to the point of getting in people’s way when he hears her talking? He follows her like a hyena?]
When he had found her later, he demanded and harried her to be one of her crew members
[I don’t understand: she rewards stalking and tunnel-vision with social and economic stature?]
but her only love is for the sea.
[Most of your story is in past-tense. Either write in one tense or another unless there is a significant chunk (sometimes flashbacks can count for these sharp breaks), but in general you probably want to use one and only one verb tense]
for anyone that would possibly recognize Em.
[If she frequents this area, wouldn’t she be ‘possibly recognized’ by most? I think stopping at ‘keeping an eye out’ would be plenty in telling us what his scene purpose/action is]
She quickly grabbed the bottles
[She asked for boxes, though I want to point out that large crates can be drunk through in just a few weeks depending on the crew drinking (size – some galleons were several hundred men – and personal disposition)]
"It's Em and her skipper!"
[Look up “skipper” – that’s the head commander. Unless Em is only nominal captain and it’s really Tim’s ship, SHE’d be the skipper]
Em grabbed her clothes and quickly put them on.
[I would never have thought of this as a logical progression of action /sarcasm]
Heavy bangs on the door signaled that their time was up
[They waited for her to get dressed before they started knocking? Your description indicated that they were directly behind]
for the bag. Tim lifted the bag and quickly ran over to her, passing her the bag. Em nodded at him and carefully tossed the bag
[I’ll stop at here, but you’re using “the bag” a LOT in close proximity. Some of them can be cut out entirely, others can be substituted with something else like “it”. Try to avoid repeating a phrase too often in close proximity, whether it’s a common noun or a specific person’s name]
with worry across his features.
[“worry” doesn’t tell me what he’s doing or how. Is his brow furrowed? Are his eyes narrowed and glaring? Wide open and moist?]
His heart was thumping painfully hard with fear for her life.
[Despite the fact that he seems fine and this line of action wouldn’t seem to be very far from Em’s usual actions given narrative when we’re focused on her – and if he’s spent months around her, he’d probably realize that]
from the looks of it when he had watched.
[How would he know the looks of it if he HADN’T watched?]
and she thought that she landed on something sharp.
[Wouldn’t that either leave her bleeding or hobbling? You’re not describing it to us whatever the case may be – and I’d think she’d realize she injured herself when she descended the carriage]
happened to you?" Em looked
[Source Mixing: when you break to a new character, break to a new paragraph]
and saw that they had made it back to the ship
[I’d think this would be quite a ways, did he carry her the whole way? Wouldn’t that draw people’s attention? Wouldn’t SHE notice the trip?]
That fall had been a nasty one.
[Yet curiously we’re never given any hint of that in the event, when that information would probably be most important and fitting]
All over Tim's front and on his arms was blood.
[That would probably be a LOT of blood. How is it she wouldn’t notice that? Or at least notice that the world is starting to cold and out of focus?]
hurry you imbeciles or the Company will get us!"
[If they’re already at the docks, it’s unlikely that a large sailing ship will escape them – the small arms fire would be easily able to pepper the deck, and ships can’t blast off in the sailing age without deck hands for control]
laid it on the table there.
[Where? Last you mentioned was entry onto the deck (and no particular location there, which would be okay if it was a smaller boat, but you described three large masts and that’s no dinghy)]
Let's get out of here!" The bustle increased tenfold.
[Men with guns are after them (presumably in visual range) and the crew needs to be told this?]
"Here captain, your sword."
[What use would she have for that if she’s bleeding heavily?]
Tell the crew to get us out of here
[Wouldn’t this be unnecessary given that the command’s already been given?]
"I don't want to see one speck of Port Royal
[They’re probably in some form of galleon, not a trimaran littoral combat ship. Unless they’ve got coincidentally good wind (which would also help their pursuers), Port Royal would likely still be in view for hours]
although it was plain as day in Michael's eyes that it was he who wanted to be holding Em.
[How is it so plain? Remember, we still don’t have character backgrounds, so this feels a little weaker]
Michael told Ozz to follow him
take care of her nasty wound
[Besides the fact that we (through Em’s narration) should’ve received notice of her injury, shouldn’t we have gotten more information about it before now?]
which miraculously was lodged to the left of her spine.
[Oh goodie: right into the heart. Or lung]
Gibbs checked it the coast was clear
[What ‘it’ was he checking?]
He was a very rough and rogue looking man
[These mean nothing, they’re arbitrary opinions and not solid descriptions]
Tall, dark, and handsome
[Same thing here]
"Oy! It's Jack Sparrow!"
[They must have a lot of attentive lookouts, especially when the main figure they were presumably looking for took a rather obvious escape and is fleeing in plain sight]
because large pieces of cloth hung on all of its sides.
[How large? Along the entire side?]
We start off with data dumps, but then when things start happening the descriptions suddenly take a long time to arrive. Take a careful look and check how you’re parsing out the descriptions among the high and low points of action.
| Twinjodi chapter 42 . 8/31/2008
Loved this story..although still trying to figure out the monkey lol..
going to read the next story!
| unlock.your.heart chapter 42 . 6/11/2008
This was and amazing read!
| xX .Pirate Queen. Xx chapter 11 . 6/9/2008
I adore your story so far. I think it's one of the best I've read in a long while. Sorry it took me so long to review [been a bit busy ).] Regardless, it's amazing, and I'm torn whether she should just go with Tim or wait on Jack. I can't wait to read the rest.
| Equify chapter 42 . 5/31/2008
I love it! It's quality stuff. I spot only about one typo every three chapters; that is quite refreshing!
Can't wait to read the sequel!
| Heavenstar3 chapter 42 . 5/22/2008
Why is there going to be less Em in the next one? I really like her as a character. Well, can't wait to read it.
| xX .Pirate Queen. Xx chapter 1 . 5/21/2008
Hey! I just stumbled upon your story, and I must say, it grabbed my attention straight away. I can't wait to finish ready the rest, and I will let you know what I think. Heck, what are reviews for? ) P
PS. Finally some smart fics.
| ABloodyWonder chapter 29 . 5/17/2008
Wow love, I've read all your story through, it's GREAT. I love Em and I totally, positively, entirely loathe Tim.
I'm positively in love ith Jack Sparrow...or any other of Johnny Depp's incarnations, so WopWoop to ye.
Pleasepleaseplease other chappie?
| ABloodyWonder chapter 4 . 5/16/2008
aw love. I am in LOVE with your story. It rocks.
Please please please new chappie! I don't usually like stories with OCs in them but this is GRAND.
Virtual rum for ye!