|Reviews for Pokémon: Josh's Journey|
| St Elmo's Fire chapter 1 . 3/19/2010
You're not writing dialogue properly. While you're doing the dialogue itself properly, you need to use commas when breaking up dialogue. The first sentence should have a comma after "declared", for example.
Also, "pokemon" is not a proper noun when used in-universe, and therefore should not be capitalized. It would be like capitalizing "animal". The same goes for attacks like flamethrower, types like psychic, and items like pokeballs. You should also use multiple exclamation points sparingly, if at all.
Anyway, now that the generic grammar stuff is out of the way, onto the actual story. You're opening to something interesting, which is good. The battle is relatively well-described, which is also good. However, it goes on for quite a while and battles really aren't that interesting when they're novelized. You should try to make battle sequences be fairly short instead of explaining every single thing that happens, because right now it feels like it's just a repetitive thing getting in the way of the story. (We still don't know who these people are exactly, or why the main character is so interested in fighting Zack)
...skimming through the battle sequence...
Agh. You're actually referring to the starting pokemon as special starting pokemon. It's obvious in the games at least that they're simply rare pokemon that the professors happened to collect, not super special pokemon that they specifically have to give to trainers. Also, "Bluegrass Plains" should be written like that. It's a title, so the whole thing should be capitalized.
It's "okay", four letters. And, uh, I don't think there are actual specific classes for the different trainers like hikers and fishermen. That distinction is obviously just a thing from the games and even if you are doing that, it should not be capitalized. Why is he so interested in where she got her pokemon anyway?
"My god Zack"? Commas. Use them. Also, if you're using "god" as the name of the Christian God, then it's a name and therefore should be capitalized. (Which doesn't actually make sense since the idea that there's Christianity in a world so different from ours is rather ridiculous) And who's Morgan? He comes out of nowhere and there's no explanation as to who he is.
...Eh, this doesn't seem to be going anywhere interesting. It's basically just "The main character and his apparent friend Morgan go around doing generic trainer stuff". That's not very interesting; you should introduce interesting things such as plot as soon as possible to hook your reader. As I mentioned above, battles are not interesting, because we need to know if there's any plot, what the main character is doing and why, etc. You also have a lot of errors that I assume are typos - you should always proofread to catch things like those, since missing periods or commas can really break the flow of the story.
| Zugi chapter 1 . 3/6/2010
Nothing new. Same old journey stories, and I am rather bored by it. And the battles were a bit too detailed as far as the way the characters instructed their pokemon. Cut back on that, you don't see it in the series. Other than that, grammar's good. Not the worst I've ever read.
| Scholar of Emeralds chapter 1 . 2/12/2010
Nice battle there. I liked the action. The characters are good, but I'm confused by them. Where does this story start exactly?
| Aural Sex chapter 3 . 2/10/2010
The beginning was rather humorous, I must admit.
Flattery aside, there's not much wrong with this chapter at all.
I do suggest the following, though...
I love reading well-written battles. That's probably one of my favorite aspects of pokemon fanfiction. You paint quite a vivid picture - make no mistake about that - but oftentimes leave me confused as to which pokemon is doing what, due to switching rapidly between descriptions of the pokemons' actions and the trainers' thoughts/methods.
I suggest breaking it up a bit, perhaps dedicating separate lines to separate actions if necessary.
Other than that, not a bad chapter. I enjoyed reading it and will probably enjoy the next one as well.
| Aural Sex chapter 1 . 2/10/2010
I never read the original chapter one, only this updated version. For a first chapter it's a little confusing, with all the characters it introduces right off the bat, but not terribly convoluted.
[“So- er… how many Pokémon?” asked Lindsay, Zack’s sister whom I had been assured was a skilled trainer in her own right. I shrugged.
“Three?” I said. She smiled and nodded.]
Try to group sentiments together to improve the "flow" of the story. For instance, instead of having "I shrugged" at the end of the sentence describing Lindsay, try putting it at the beginning of the sentence where he replies.
**Also, rather basic note here, but it should be ["Three?" I asked], or ["Three," I said].
Still, this wasn't a bad read at all. I will be reading on.
| Eddynessofdoom chapter 1 . 2/6/2010
I've read the first chapter, and will probably come back to read and review again later.
This is how I know you can write:
"The ceiling was lower than my head at times so I walked almost with a constant hunch. My back was very sore so when we reached a clear area I suggested we lay down for the night. We did so, without tents of course and I later regretted stopping- Morgan embarked on a series of jokes about long things in tunnels listening to which was far more painful than any cramps."
"Taking a deep breath, I walked into the cave. Immediately a wave of cold hit me, and I gasped. I had no jacket; it was in my bag. Steeling myself, I ran into the cave. It was a twisting place, sometimes sloping downwards, sometimes a rocky face I scrambled up, ignoring the grazes on my cold-deadened skin. But what was permanent was the cold, the bitter, deadening, permeating cold."
Stuff like this is good- I might ditch an 'almost' or 'immediately' here and there, but otherwise it's great imagery. Other parts of your chapter, though, not so much. The battle at the beginning, for example- most of that is built out of dialogue. I don't want to watch a tennis match of your characters yelling orders, I want to watch more of the actual battle- and the way the battle is now I can barely follow it.
You seem to have a good story hidden under grammar issues. I couldn't understand what was going on at times, due to lack of commas and WAY too much info at once- like when you start jumping ahead by days at a time. I wasn't expecting it, since there were no transition to that, and I had to read that whole paragraph a few times to get what happened. Other issues come up mostly during dialogue, and I get confused as to who is talking, and who is who. Farla's got a whole guide on dialogue now, so I'd check it out. Don't take this too harshly, either- almost everyone has issues with dialogue.
I can see how you're starting right when the action comes up to help your story, and that's a great idea. Still, the characters still feel, as you said, interchangeable. This is only the first chapter, so you don't have to show everything about all of your your characters right here and now, but you need to show us something. Just ask yourself; what makes Josh a likable main character? What makes him different from Morgan? What makes him Josh? How can you show us this in the first chapter?
The first chapter can be crucial in getting a reader hooked. Think about what's most important to establish plot-wise for your readers, and what will help your readers get to know your characters better. Don't forget the grammar either, because if I'm too confused to understand your story, I won't be reading for long. I think you have a lot of potential, and the fact that you're really trying to revise this story is saying something. If you work on this more, I think you'll be surprised by yourself; nothing beats re-reading your own work and being impressed. Aim for that! YOU CAN DO IT! *enthusiastic fist pump*
| RainbowMunchies chapter 1 . 1/30/2010
16 Chapters is a lot of reading : I might not do all the chapters.
“Better yet,” he said “why don’t you battle Lindsay?” Because I want to battle you, idiot. And I will until I manage to beat you at least once.
1)You need to separate the thought and the speech. The thought isn't even from the same person.
2)How are we supposed to know who the thought is from, or that it's even a thought? Make it more clear.
As we had packed up to leave the next day- today- I spotted Zack and well, challenged him to a battle.
3)We assume today is the day you are challenging him to a battle, because you JUST challenged him to a battle. :
4)I'm just going to say this once so I don't have to repeat myself. You need to tell who is talking, or at least give some indication. You are consistent in just having one word and then a bunch of descriptive words without even cluing us in to who is talking. Example: "'Then get out of there!' The electric attack caught Charizard..." We only know who is talking in this case because of the pokemon they're talking to, but it's annoying just the same and in the end will confuse your reader into submission.
5)There's been a lot of debate, but the conclusion is this: When a pokemon is being called by what kind it is, you do not capitalize the word, just as you wouldn't capitalize dog or tiger. When the kind of pokemon is also the name used for it, you capitalize it like you would a name. Example: "The charizard picked up Meowth and tossed him across the field." Chraizard is being referred to as the type it is, and would not be capitalized, while Meowth is the accepted name of that meowth, and is being referred to specifically by name.
6)It's a bit silly that you completely ignore the idea of type advantage with the fact that Meowth beats the lunatone with normal attacks, but then your character all at once remembers that water is great against ground.
I needed, I decided, a Pokémon super effective against Ground. And fast. That or Ninetales. I decided on Poliwrath.
7)What? Also, you use a lot of words an annoying amount. Specifically "commanded" but in this quote the word was "decided."
Lindsay nearly blushed.
8)You can't nearly blush. She either did or didn't.
We did so, without tents of course and I later regretted stopping- Morgan embarked on a series of jokes about long things in tunnels listening to which was far more painful than any cramps.
9)Not really funny, and the last part ("listening...cramps.") is an independent clause that either needs its own sentence or a comma to separate it. You also need to fix the wording, because it doesn't make sense.
We came out a day’s march above Viridian, and after a day’s march we were in Viridian.
“You’re a tool!” Morgan shouted back and I shot ahead, using the swift breeze to my advantage; Fearow’s skilful flying getting us to Cinnabar Island miles ahead of Morgan.
“Don’t ask questions. Go to Seafoam Islands and take care of Tanya. I’m faster.”
12)This doesn't make sense. If he's faster, why'd he tell Morgan to go?
I threw out Fearow’s Poké Ball and called him. He looked confused at the unfamiliar summons.
13)How is Fearow confused? He just flew him there-he should know where they are!
14)If he's cold, why didn't he bring out his beloved Ninetails?
15)Did the dewgong /carry/ Steph into the cave? If not, how did Tanya get out with a broken ankle? And furthermore, how does a creature with no arms drag someone?
16)This chapter was annoying for different reasons. First of all, your description of battle, though sprinkled with bits of good details and feeling, is boring. I got bored reading it. If you MUST make trainers battle, try to keep the battle short, or interesting. The fact that we watched that whole battle for no purpose whatsoever is also a bit irking.
17)Morgan was a confusing character. Is he /supposed/ to be an asshole? Does your character really hate traveling with him so much that he doesn' have a single good thing to say about the boy.
18)Once again, like your battles, while sprinkled with pointless bits of information, your description of travel is boring, and in the end does nothing but increase your word count. Nothing important happened at all in those travels. Plus, I don't think Prof. Oak loans out pokemon.
1)Why is he once again ignoring type advantages? The idiot used two pokemon that could never defeat an ice pokemon, before using a pokemon that would have any sort of luck against Articuno.
I hurled myself out of the way, giving a jump that would shame a Rapidash, my bag falling open splitting open as I slammed into the ground, the shock hurling my Poké Balls everywhere as the Pokémon’s beak drove into the ground where I had been standing.
2)Dear lord. Commas and conjunctions are great, but sometimes a period works too. This sentence is too long to keep all your info straight.
“Melt the ice!” I shouted to Ninetales, and avoided an attack by sliding under the deadly beam. In a fit of rage I hurled a nearby Shellder at Articuno, who was confused, and then pursued the Pokémon.
3)You slid /under/ the beam of ice?
4)Why is Articuno getting confused all of a sudden. This is about the fifth time you've caught him unawares now...
“Who knows?” I said mysteriously “maybe the dickhead’s Pidgeot looked blue for some reason.”
6)This in its own right could be a story. Not a good one, but a story all the same. I'm not sure what the male version of a Mary Sue is (Gary Stu?) but you have given us a prime example.
7)What's with the first paragraph dissing Articuno for being "just a pokemon"? It really and truly annoys me when in a world where the UNIVERSE was created by a pokemon, humans are so full of themselves they still think themselves to be the greatest and most powerful thing ever, just because they've found a way to trap and fight conscious, thinking creatures. U8
I... honestly can't read anymore. Maybe I'll come back and review more later, but I doubt it. : This story is rather boring, and after two chapters, worthy of their own stories in length and plot, I've found that I can no longer stand your Gary Stu character, his extremely lucky ways, nor his annoying way of personifying anything and everything.
I did like the description of Articuno in the end of chapter 1. That's about it.
Watch out for repetition, boring/pointless description, adjectives, and adverbs.
| MidnightSaboteur chapter 1 . 1/4/2010
My comments are out of context as including context would double the length, but you can see which comments were specifically towards which bits here: pastebin f624db6f3
This sounds exactly the same as every other "O"T fic I've ever seen.
We don't care. Especially the second sentence. Why should we? I imagine by "data" you mean statistics on pokémon and such, which are exactly the same in online pokédexes like Veekun and Bulbapedia so it doesn't matter so why are you telling us. (Also, 'data' is a plural noun, so it should technically be "The data I use are from".)
Completely cookie-cutter title to go with the completely cookie-cutter premise! I will bet money that the next sentence will involve him waking up.
I win! It's a depressing victory, though.
Writing pokémon fanfiction means that your readers know what pokémon are means stop telling us.
Don't capitalize random words. What three stages...?
We know what Pokémon is stop it.
We know what pokémon are stop it why is he thirteen. This is obviously solely off of animé canon - you've discussed Professor Oak giving a pokémon to anyone who asks, whereas in the games it's specifically to his grandson and other young boy in town to fulfil a request to complete his pokédex, and the televised competition of the Indigo Plateau, which similarly was an animé-only thing - so be consistent and have him start at ten like every other animé trainer. If you want him older, have him as an established trainer and reflect on his backstory when it's relevant.
HAHA IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE HE'S LEANING ON THE FOURTH WALL no this paragraph is useless. Go google Kurt Vonnegut's rules for writing: start as close to the end as possible, each sentence should reveal character or advance the plot, and rule number one - make sure my time isn't wasted. This remains the least original story it's possible to write.
... still not caring...
Oh, I assumed the safety concerns was that they would be out in, you know, treacherous conditions with hostile things like /fire-breathing dragons/ and /sentient rocks/ and seriously even the weedle right outside town could kill him in a few minutes.
But obviously it's because of bad guys... stealing things. They're not notorious for hurting people, but stealing things from big places and petty theft presumably from those people who don't own their own fire-breathing dragons and sentient rocks so of course they're the biggest threat.
... still not caring...
... okay, I snickered a bit.
Her what was a snorlax? I think this is an opaque Britishism.
Oh boy, a dark-psychic-fighting 'triangle'! Look, it's not a triangle. To overcome dark's /immunity/ to psychic, the particular species would need to be pretty over-powered. And hey, surprise surprise, psychic was the biggest gamebreaker in Kanto! If you want to be special regarding types (and that's still the only thing that's varied from being completely mass-produced identical to everything else, and /still/ dark-psychic-fighting is the only alternative that ever crops up), why not try a real triangle that no one uses, like rock/fighting/flying, fire/rock/steel, or grass/poison/ground?
Or, if you want to really be out of the ordinary, invent a starter type /square/ with fire/bug/grass/water, fire/grass/ground/rock, or rock/flying/grass/ground? Or or, since it seems like there's a heck of a lot of people today instead of just going on their birthday (another sign of animé canon), invite the most diversity possible with the type /pentagons/ of fire/bug/grass/ground/rock or bug/grass/ground/rock/flying! Just, please, not the not-a-triangle dark-psychic-fighting. (Dark isn't even available in Kanto.)
... Oh. Well. My previous ranting still applies, cause they're gonna get dark-psychic-fighting, cause that foreshadowing was as subtle as a sledgehammer.
And what, why wouldn't they care what starter they got? Starters are a pretty big deal in all canons - they imply a deeper relationship than others and can kind of be considered the trainer's mascot, so I wouldn't think they /all/ wouldn't care, I'd think at least /someone/ would have their heart set or couldn't stand /something/. Right now every character remains interchangeable with the next.
Cried. Squealed. Interjected. Joked. Asked. Replied. Added. Added. Muttered. Admitted. Announced.
Stop staying away from the word "said" like it kicked your puppy. "Said" is invisible, it's normal, and you should only stray from it when something just said deserves particular attention.
Called it again. Subtle as a sledgehammer, dear.
The pokédex has always always always been separate from the rest of the bells and whistles. Be consistent.
This is the second time you say "farewelling". Is it another Britishism? Why not just "saying goodbye to"?
We know what Poké Balls are. Still not caring.
Yes, see? This is the kind of importance they should have given to their starters before.
That's not how magnets work.
Hee, my favorite pokémon. But why specify 'eight seconds'? The specificity makes it stand out.
Begin infodumping appearance paragraphs!
End infodumping appearance paragraphs! Why is that odd? It sounds like standard gear for a trainer. Except wait tetris what where did that come from.
... This is sounding dangerously close to being sueish. Why do they get two? And rare pokémon eggs! He- I- blugh.
... ... I would say "I hate you", but then I think kids drinking is an actual Britishism, so I will just [Marge Simpson disgruntled hrmm].
the what now
At least it's normal, reasonable items and not things like mp3 players or whatever.
Hey, did you realize? This is the first mention of Protagonist's name. The characters are just that interchangeable.
Look, see? Pokémon are not fuzzy robots to be sent in and out of battle. Not all of them enjoy battling. Have them get to know their pokémon before the first fight. Admittedly, he could have while Protagonist and Protagonist's Sibling were getting their starters, but somehow I doubt it.
Also, they mention being able to look up moves in the pokédex, so there's that.
Also, abra constantly keep their eyes shut.
... still not caring...
... still not caring...
Too bad this chapter hasn't interested me enough to keep reading! It's not even cookie-cutter; this fic is the mold that makes other cookie cutters. The only thing distinguishing it from any other random "O"T fic is the perfect spelling, grammar and punctuation, so grats there I guess.
ANOTHER COMPLETELY ORIGINAL AND CREATIVE TITLE HOW /DO/ YOU EVER COME UP WITH THESE
| Tiny Ginger chapter 27 . 12/31/2009
Alright! Two more journeys after this? Wow. You've really put thought into this story and that's what's keeping it alive. You've got a good knack for writing. :3 I'm on the edge of my seat for the conclusion. The battle with Bruno was amazing
| Kikimaster chapter 1 . 12/23/2009
Nice first chapter:)
I really like the characters and their pokemon... I really like Josh's Vulpix! It makes me want to hug it!:)
| Tiny Ginger chapter 26 . 12/22/2009
I loved the battle with Loreli. You made Josh a really great character and I love your battle writing style. Good job and keep up your awesomeness. :)
| Tiny Ginger chapter 25 . 12/15/2009
Good job with this. :3 It's really well written. So both the siblings advanced. I wonder who will win it all. Steph or Josh. This is getting more suspenseful each chapter. :)
| Tiny Ginger chapter 24 . 12/15/2009
It's down to the two siblings... I can't believe I didn't review this chapter. I could've sworn I did. Maybe it didn't send or something. I apologize. I loved the battle scenes. You have a knack for writing about those. :)
| LoneAdvocate chapter 25 . 12/15/2009
Unless I missed something I dunno why the rating was upgraded. What major swearing was involved(again, unless I missed it)? But nice of you to continue.
| Tiny Ginger chapter 23 . 9/22/2009
Wow. Josh's Pokemon can even beat something they're weak against? This is great. Morgan can't brag now. lol Keep it up.