|Reviews for Zathura Vortex: Birth of the Liemuina|
| Jabraille chapter 1 . 7/15/2008
While at first I cringed at the thought of a fairy race in Arda (having read several clumsy attempts by other authors to introduce a more glitzy mainstream race of fairies to an unreceptive canon), now I commend your skillful talespinning. The language of the piece is excellent AND well-matched to that of the original text of the Silmarillion. Your grammar is sound, your spelling perfect, and I find no fault with the story itself.
In summary: Bravo!
| Calamity Kitten chapter 1 . 7/13/2008
You have a good writing-style for this kind of story, that much I give you. Also, I like stories with some histroy and all, BUT! While reading I felt that your story was posted in the wrong section. So far there is nothing that makes me think of LotR, so if anything it should go to the Silmarilion-section (yes, I know there's more to come, but still. There's a reason why Silm and LotR where different books), or, better yet, make a completely original fic out of it.
But, since it is supposed to be fanfic, there are some things I feel I have to ask/point out:
""Anything," she cried, "so that my children and my people may be safe from the evils of this world. You owe us a debt."
And it was true. Long had the Mormarta suffered through the Valar's negligence in regards to the Dark One." - Okay, what? I'm sorry, but that part peeves me to no end, because, you know, there *were* other races in ME that suffered just as much under Morgoth. There is a reason why Feanor gave him that name and for said name to stick.
- The thing with Eru speaking up for Minyariel and her people. What makes them so special? I mean, just look at the reaction Eru had when he found out about the dwarves, which makes it seem like he, though willing to forgive, can be quite possesive of his plans for Arda.
On the same note - the gifting of the Valar. Again, what makes the Mormarta so special that they warrant gifts from the Valar? Pity? Not likely. Remember how Orcs came into being? I'm sure those Elves cried out frequently to Eru and Manwe and Elbereth and pretty much everyone else available, for that matter, but did they heed them?
- I think this was already pointed out but it can't be stressed enough: Morgoth yielding up anything or anyone because the Valar might fall upon him? It wasn't that easy. It simply wasn't! There are a *lot* of bad things that wouldn't have happened had it really been that easy.
Okay, that's it for now. I can only repeat: I like stories that reach back into history like this (hence my love for Tolkien's works), and your story has potential - as an original work of fiction.
| lorien13 chapter 1 . 5/25/2008
She was gifted with the beauty of the First Born, the Eldar, and fashioned after the First Born in shape, but she, the Shadow Spawn, was without spark or spirit, without life.
You need a "was" after "and," or else it doesn't make sense as a run on sentence. It just feels slopy, not in the same form as Tolkien.
nice re-write of the next line!
But he was unsatisfied with the mindless shell, fair as the stars in the sky,
this line is fine, but the little ad on you did with "fair as the stars in the sky" is random. You need something along the lines of, "even if she was fair as the stars in the sky," or something like that.
and with the sweet tenderness of hope, thus
you need a comma after "and"
and you don't need thus, if you have the comma. It reads better.
this line doesn't make much seanse: "He made her even fairer of face and lovely, though she struggled ever to fight against him and his desires unto the end of her strength, when with all his dark might he pressed upon her with his will, shattering her mind like glass."
you need to rework it, and perhaps add a word.
oh, and, btw, that knuckle head who insulted you for forgetting to log out on my computer, so MY review was in your name, is an idiot. If she were a mary-sue, she wouldn't have gone crazy, and have bgeen raped for years. MORON! Just felt like adding that.
I don't think it's supposed to have two periods, goof.
I have a question that just popped up. How did she get to the ocean? From the sounds of it, she was locked up, mad and weak, in Morgoth's bed chamber. How'd she get to the ocean?
Is it vala or Valar?
If you open up character map, you can get the symbol used in Manwë's name in the Silmarillion. You got one on your computer, just ask me if you can't find it.
Morgoth was then commanded by Ulmo himself to release Minyariel and the Mormarta at the behest of his vassal’s daughter, for she remembered the woe of the Mormarta and their Queen. Much moved with pity, Ulmo gave Aeriel her wish, and commanded his traitorous kinsman to release his claim on the blood, bodies, and souls of the Mormarta.
You forgot to change this, love. It's still repitious (is that spelled right?) You need to do that.
Unable to stand before the pleas of his kin
and who is that? Mention Manwë's name again.
a wingless prince, hmm? Was that in the original? I like it better that he doesn't have wings. More of a conparision.
nice. I would have just sent the thingys in an email, cuz it's a little rude to randomly post a message to one person in something. Please don't do that to me, I KNOW WHERE YOU SLEEP (cough the bed underneath mine cough).
| Mrs Huggins chapter 1 . 5/23/2008
Since the "lost, original transcripts" of The Silmarillion are already familiar to many of your readers as several volumes in The History of Middle-earth series, you might want to mention in your summary that this story is extreme AU.
Or, maybe you should just go ahead and make an entirely original fantasy story out of this. After all, you're already more than half-way there.
| eiluj chapter 1 . 5/22/2008
"Orcs and Trolls and the Nazgul, Morgoth created" - Sorry, but Morgoth/Melkor had *nothing* to do with the existence of the Nazgûl. The Nazgûl were normal Men (i.e. they were of the Secondborn, created by Eru alone) who accepted the nine rings made for Men by the Mírdain at Sauron's direction. After their mortal lifespans were over, they were able (or forced) to continue as undead creatures under Sauron's control. A “wraith” is an undead spirit; that they were called *Ring*wraiths means they were wraiths *because* of the rings Sauron gave them, and that they were bound to those rings.
The nine rings were made in the middle of the Second Age - Melkor had been exiled to the Void for at least fifteen hundred years at that point, and the first appearance of the Nazgûl was several hundred years later, about SA 2250. And that’s not to mention the fact that this story takes place before the Time of the Trees, and Men won’t even exist until the beginning of the First Age: something over ten *thousand* years in the future.
If Melkor gave Minyariel’s empty body the spirit of a slain elf, the spirit should keep the elf’s identity, including all the memories of the elf’s life. She’d probably prefer to be called whatever the elf’s original name was: I think she’d want to keep her own sense of who she was - who she had grown up to be - rather than who Melkor wanted her to be. Yes, he’d call her Minyariel - but after she was free of him, would she want to use that name? In any case, she shouldn’t have any memories of anything that happened to the soulless body before Melkor put her spirit into it.
Besides your creating these imitation-elves of Melkor’s, you’ve created a plethora of different shapes for them - and you’ve given the Maiar descendants (which they don’t have in the Silmarillion, other than Melian). At this point, you've peopled Middle-earth with more different types of unique creatures than Tolkien did! So you must pardon the readers if we have difficulty recognizing it as Middle-earth anymore. Please do add an AU warning to your summary: it’s false advertising not to.
A *major* problem of logic is Melkor being cowed by Ulmo's threat. Ah, if only it had been that simple to defeat him! [And by the way, the singular of "Valar" should be "Vala" (or “Valië,” if you're speaking of a female).]
Since Melian and her daughter Lúthien Tinúviel were both connected to nightingales, and “Tinúviel” actually means “nightingale,” it’s probably not wise to name an OC “Nightingale.”
"'And for them we beg of Eru to create two new Maiar- moon-winged Fea and her lord, Danu, prince of the forest'" - Well, of course there were plenty of Maiar already, and Oromë could simply have asked for volunteers from among his people. And Eru certainly didn't need Oromë instructing him to create two more Maiar (even specifying details of appearance and name)! [Do you tell God what to do and how to do it?] But *why* should this race of yours have its own Maiar guardians? There aren't any such for the other races. And why is Oromë telling Eru who the new Maiar should marry? Surely the choice of spouse is left up to each Maia ... or else your version of Eru and the Valar are as despotic as Melkor.
Since every intelligent creature has a spirit (or “fëa” in Quenya), do you really want to name a character “Fea”? The Quenya term is widely used in fanfic, so many readers will think it an odd name. Danu's name, on the other hand, doesn't mean *anything*, either in Quenya or Sindarin - which makes him unique among the Ainur in having a meaningless name. The title “prince of the forest” is a bad idea, since Oromë will later be known by the Sindar as “Tauron, the Lord of Forests” [“Valaquenta”]. Why not simply have the Marta particularly devoted to Oromë and Nessa (or better yet, Oromë and Vána)? That way, you would avoid all the issues related to these OC Maiar.
It's difficult for anyone to have moon-wings more than ten thousand years before the Moon exists. And why is Fea ... you know, I actually shudder every time I have to use her name. Why is she unique among the Ainur in having a - for lack of a better term - non-humanoid form? The Ainur were spirit creatures, and were not tied to any single shape, but we’re told in the Silmarillion that “the Valar took to themselves shape and hue; and because they were drawn into the World by love of the Children of Ilúvatar ... they took shape after the manner which they had beheld in the Vision of Ilúvatar, save only in majesty and splendour” [Ainulindalë”]. Perhaps you have in mind that, just as the other Ainur’s shapes mimic the Firstborn and Secondborn, Fea’s shape mimics the winged ones among the Marta - but that’s only one of many shapes among the Marta, so why shouldn’t she keep the basic wingless elven/Mannish shape, since there *are* Marta who look like that, and it’s a strong Ainur tradition?. Why should Fea be different from all the other Ainur? Ulmo spends most of his time in the ocean, but he doesn’t normally wear the shape of a sea-creature. Aulë created the dwarves, but he doesn’t wear a dwarf-shape. Etc.
“Marta IS the Elvish word for ‘fey.’" - Well, no. Actually, "marta" only means "fey" when “fey” is used as an adjective. As a noun, “marta” means "fate."
I'm not familiar with the Nevrast web site, but their dictionary leaves quite a bit to be desired. [And the next time you talk to the Nevrast people, you might want to mention to them that Olwë *wasn’t* killed in the first Kinslaying; and that they *shouldn’t* recommend people mixing Quenya and Sindarin in the same name; and that they should specify the language of each name-suffix, before people mix Quenya and Sindarin into even more linguistic monstrosities.]
For an accurate Quenya dictionary, use Helge Fauskanger's Quenya “wordlists” at this site (delete the spaces):
w w w. uib. no/People/hnohf/wordlists. htm
If you look in his Quenya-English list (where the information is more detailed than in the English-Quenya list), you will see that "marta" only means "fey" when it's used as an adjective; in other words, it means "fey" in the sense of "fated." As a noun, "marta" means "fate." So your “Marta” are not “*the* Fey” in the sense of the Fey Folk of European folklore. [There is no word for "fey" - in any sense - in Sindarin.]
"Nun" doesn't mean "birth," either. In Quenya, it is an adverb meaning "underneath," and may also mean "west-" in some compound words. The Quenya word which actually means "birth" is "nosta." [There is no Sindarin word for "birth."]
"Ello" - As a noun, it means a call or shout of triumph. The ending “-ello” is ablative, and seems to mean "from" or "out of," besides serving various esoteric grammatical functions. Does it mean "of the"? Not as far as I can figure out. [On the other hand, adding a final “-o” by itself does apparently mean “of,” at least in some cases.]
So "Nunello Marta," if it has any meaning at all, would appear to be something like "From Underneath Fate."
Disclaimer: I am not a scholar of either Elvish language, but if you talk to someone who really knows Quenya - and please do! - I doubt they will contradict Helge Fauskanger's wordlists. [And when you find the Quenya expert, ask about the correctness of the name “Minyariel” also.]
If you need a Sindarin dictionary, Hiswelókë (Dragon Flame) is the best one online:
Free download of old edition: w w w. /hisweloke/sindar/downloads. html
Online beta version of new edition: w w w. jrrvf hisweloke/sindar/online/english. html
Sorry, but as I said before, I come to this site to read about Tolkien’s world, and this is unrecognizable. So I won’t continue.
| jules14 chapter 1 . 5/22/2008
Please, for the love of God, keep the exotic, Mary-Sueish races OUT of the Silmarillion. Is there any reason you created this new race, other than to make the Sue in your newest story exotic? If not, this premise is not going to work out. Don't change what Tolkien wrote just to make Mary Sue a special, important character.
And don't review your own story. It makes you look like an immature review whore.
| Lorien13 chapter 1 . 5/21/2008
Thank you, Lorien, who is logged into my account as I'm logged into yours. I need reviews like yours. )
| LA Knight chapter 1 . 5/21/2008
stabbed the heavens like dark and red blades
try stabbed the heavens as dark, red blades.
Morgoth was then commanded by Ulmo himself to release Minyariel and the Marta at the behest of his vassal’s daughter, for she remembered the woe of the Marta and their Queen. Much moved with pity, Ulmo gave Aeriel her wish, and commanded his traitorous kinsman to release his claim on the blood, bodies, and souls of the Marta.
it's repeatative my dear
Then the King of the Marta died at the hands of Morgoth, and the Marta were attacked and brutally slaughtered by the traitorous Great Enemy and his armies. For countless years, they waged war against the armies of darkness.
this could be a whole section. dude!
nice! me likey, though the beginning is as friggin confusing as the Sillmarillion.
| Lord Dragon Claw chapter 1 . 5/21/2008
Very good! I have not read the Silmarillion, so I can't really critique the chapter, but still. Very good!
| PurpleHat chapter 1 . 5/21/2008
You have made a good rendition of the style of prose of the Silmarillion, although personally I find that style a little remote to make a good read.
You also obviously know the Silmarillion very well.
I think you should label it AU, as patently, the Marta were not created by Morgoth.
Also, Eru is the only one who can breathe spirit and will into creations - see Aule and the creation of the Dwarves.
I don't think any of the Valar or Maiar had children - except Melian, who assumed a physical body when she married Thingol, although strangely, Namo, Irmo and Nienna are referred to as brothers and sister.
Also, Morgoth was the strongest Valar except for Manwe, so Morgoth would not be afriad of destruction by Ulmo
The Marta's wings don't work for me either, as they are too reminiscent of other fantasy worlds, and the dreaded term "crossover" comes to mind.
Still, a well written tale.