|Reviews for Innocent White|
| KiyanAoi chapter 14 . 4/9/2013
Please finish this fanfic of yours!
It has captured my attention and I've spent hours to read until Unrequited _
| DreamsWishesReality chapter 14 . 7/11/2012
I really would like to know what happens next. Please update soon. _
| HichiShirosaki chapter 14 . 7/3/2012
Awwwwh man! Why haven't you updated yet! D: It's been months and I don't wanna wait for months on end for the next chapter! Please! Finish this story!
This is so good, I can't wait for it!
| Choxolip chapter 14 . 9/5/2011
Wow, long time no read. Remember me? :) To be honest I've completely forgetten what happened in your story but I'm glad it's at the part where both of their feelings are beginning to surface (especially Haruka's). I don't have much to criticize because like I said, I've forgotten XD Glad to see this story back, it's one of the few sane ones abbout Haruka and Kantarou. Hope you're doing fine with your work and don't worry, your writing is not too business-y in this one. I'll still continue to read this and I am looking forward to how this story goes :D No pressure and take your time. 2 years...wow XD
| cagallikushinarafika chapter 14 . 8/27/2011
You update! I'm so glad you didn't drop this story..! Please continue!
| Choxolip chapter 13 . 6/19/2010
Oh noes a damn cliffy _ How can Kan come back to life after being stabbed like that? *re-reads chapter 10 to 13 again* The action was more than decent, but the romance seems like it's gradually fading away, I mean it's almost (or already) the climax, and even if Haruka and Kan kiss and make-up by the end it doesn't feel like they deserve each other anymore. But seeing the preview for Kan's true confession, I was like "Finally!:D" You got a lot of loose-ends to tie up here missy! Where's Youko and Sugino is all of this? Don't tell me one of them risks their lives in order to save Kan and Haruka-chan's partnership _ When you got an angsty fic like this, be careful not to go over-board, it might become distasteful if it does. Don't worry about satisfying your readers, type your heart out.
Some suggestions (again XD), at times the way you write is like you are listing what's happening. Try to make transitions, where it doesn't falter the mood and create choppiness.
You put a lot of "Upon this", "Then he that". Try not to use those sentence structures because it takes away from the flow. Try adding "Shrugging it off..." or "He turned around only to come in contact with a blow to the face", somethings like that...
Anyway, you pretty much got the feelings down, improvement I see _ Good job :)
| Choxolip chapter 10 . 6/19/2010
What! Nuuuuuuu! He died! Of course we want him alive! (Unless there's like a plot twist or something)
Whenever you call Kan lad I keep thinking he's like a superhero 3
| Choxolip chapter 8 . 6/19/2010
That wasn't as confusing as you said it was going to be _ Intense *o*
| Choxolip chapter 7 . 6/19/2010
Well, things are starting to get interesting...your descriptions are improving!
| Choxolip chapter 6 . 6/19/2010
I prefer long chapters, especially interesting ones. Nuuu! Sugino ;_;
Oh yeah when Haruka carried 'the silver-haired lad' to his room, you can describe him something else like 'the drunk idiot' or something, just to put some perspective to his thoughts...Gawsh Youko too? _
| Choxolip chapter 5 . 6/19/2010
Ugh I'm such a bore...don't feel discouraged whenever I review _ I'm going chapter by chapter and the not the thing itself whole. That's why I bash my head in whenever I say 'add this' in one chapter, then I find out it's in the next chapter *headdesks*
So yeah, Haruka and Kan are getting there...uh stretch out the suspense, I dunno I crave for some good mystery _ I'll try to think before I say review, it's a habit ;). Nice prgress so far :)
| Choxolip chapter 4 . 6/19/2010
It's still somewhat choppy, I got confused what was going on actually and had to read it again to follow through, did you plan out everythinng?...but AWWWW Haruka cares for Kan-chan _ You think you can describe like...yeah I'm sorry for putting a lot of work :P...when Haruka saw the scene of dying Kan, how did he see it? You got the HarukaXKan thing developing slowly and nicely, but it's still missing something else...care to include Youko's side to the story? The baddies in the story seem too generic, give them a sense of humanity, add some depth to their ambitions? Like the reason why they're after Haruka is much more than to have his power...You have the picture, just add and mix some of the colors! Make it more vibrant! but not too the point where it's too bold or glossed over but it fits the mood and atmosphere where it helps the build-up and the tension.
Maybe you can touch up on some other parts, like sometimes I feel it states the obvious like 'oh yeah, they are sad because blah blah blah ignored them and stuff...' Yeah we get get the point. I think you underestimate Haruka's character a bit, he's seems very...soft. I know it's partly for the smut (frankly, I don't really mind) but he seems TOO sensitive at this point, shouldn't he be getting angry and suspicious since someone's trying mess around with him and Kan? Same for Youko, she's kind of...unimportant...include some Sugino and Moo-chan! You have character development going on, but it's very subtle. At least it's there. :) _ Gah! Sorry if I sound very demanding!
| Choxolip chapter 3 . 6/19/2010
Uh-oh complications, misunderstandings...all that lovely jazz!
*clears* Okay, Youko's standing is kind of blurry to me or am I thinking too much? I dunno, it's like she's just there cheering on and watching from the distance. It's like she's reading the fanfic with us fangirls XD She's both their friends right? Her personality's not too exclusive either when it comes to her friends...my suggestion is to have her have her own problem but not where it overshadows the KanxHaruka relationship. I mean like add some sadness to her character. Suzu just died, her best friend, she's sure to have her own melonchaliness going on. It creates some realism and solidarity to her connection to Kan and Haruka, also how much of an impact she is to the plot along the way.
Oh don't be discouraged by not having a lot of reviews, you should be happy to even have more than 10! It's because Tactics is not too famous (sadly) as much as Haruka and Kan's relationship is not even acknowledged to a lot of viewers. Shows like this, Ghost Hunt, Sukiyso, etc. are awesome but there's not a lot of good fics about some of my favorite pairings. I think finding this fic is like finding a pretty shell in the sand (XD corny) A part of me says to work on this fic because of my fangirlness and the other says that you'll become a great writer someday. A friend told me that I think what we all need is patience, that someday we'll get to our goals and it's going to take more than a bunch of crumpled up paper. :D
| Choxolip chapter 2 . 6/19/2010
You think you can loosen up on the 'silver-haired lad' or ebony-haired', 'folklorits' words? Don't get me wrong you can use those, but can you use less of these adjectives to describe Kan and Haruka? It creates repitition and doesn't really let me get too invovled in the characters. You could simply just use their names or different adjectives to where it can click with the flow or events.
My examples...uh...describe their other parts of the body like 'long/clawed-fingers' or 'rolled up his silhouette-like sleeves' or something like that...like it gives the reader hints to illustrate what their current states look and feel like.
The story is awesome but if the characters are too stiff and less flow-y like for the reader to follow and understand their personality/feelings in situations like these then it jumbles into a mess.
Sorry if that was vague or rude in any way _; I don't mean to sound harsh...
| Choxolip chapter 1 . 6/19/2010
Oooh cool, seems decent. I like how Kan's not TOO deep into his feelings with Haruka and yay! for Kan's insecurity! Angst, angst..._ Your writng is very descriptive, formal I may add, but a little too descriptive to the point where some details are not needed, especially describing the dialouge. Don't worry, the characters are not too OOC, they're fine the way they are. I like the progress so far. Ganbaruyo
Review, review, review...Please don't stop writing this story ;_; it's fantastic so far and you have potential. Hope your outside life isn't too stressful to where you get tired. Take breaks and hopefully not get writer's block XD.