Chichi was the second (as far as we know) woman to reach the finals, the first was RanFan. And if you don’t remember her, that’s fair.

Well, after reading my own, quite extensive, comment I've noticed I missed quite important part in my discussion - the emotions you caused in me as a reader. And there were tons! I laughed at protagonists clumsiness, I was cheering them in their numerous instances of intimacy and honesty, I was truly invested despite my other comment may seem a bit negative. I was truly angry at Videl for being stubborn and stupid, on Gohan for his social awkwardness, happy to see Goku and Chichi caring for their children in their own ways; usually it seemed true to the characters and straighten my bond with your version of them (only this Videl, waaay to stubborn!). In the end, emotions are the most important part in story-telling! I wonder what else you got in stock, author. See you in the next story soon!

And in terms of bonus scene - a fine balance between the body and the heart.

Well, maybe there's little sense in commenting on 15-years old fanfic. Maybe, but I was going to do it anyway, and since the author encouraged such behaviors in her profile, I'm more than happy to do that.

Chapter 1 - 13.
First few chapters aren't especially virtuous and with almost non-existent narration but that's not surprising when the age of the author at the time is taken into account (I'm guessing around 15yo?).

Chapters 14 - 17
Things are getting better with the first visit at Son's house craft-wise and starts getting quite pleasant around chapter 14 when Gohan is having a fight with our one and only Mr Satan.
Until this point, the story is mostly the gongshow, a bit unstable, with each kiss not pushing the narrative further (when it rather should) and main characters avoid talking about their feelings like complete morons. I know its hard to open up but here we're witnessing bazinga level of ridiculousness here.

The amount of scenes here is overwhelming - in the same time those are not exactly long, leading to short, not satisfying dialogues often pushing the plot only a little or pushing but with unearn way (e.g. short talk about Cell Games in Chapter 14 - Videl should have dozens of questions to understand the situation, like a normal human being). That's where narration could play a bigger role, briefly discussing what happens between the scenes. I love the rule "don't tell, show" but it's quite extreme here sometimes.

Gohan is cute as hell, framed with all possible positive traits - tender, patient, gentle, also always worried and trying his best. To be honest it's painful to watch him struggle with Videl each time, with his heart racing in fear she's angry again at him. This guy needs to grow some backbone towards Videl (but hey I was guilty of such behavior in real life till around my 21st birthday).

Videl from the other hand is unbearable at almost all times - changing her mind abruptly, making nonsense decisions about kissing the boy and running away, yelling at him, blaming him and of course not accepting her own feelings. I guess Gohan must be blinded by love (and/or Videl is just the most beautiful girl in the world) to somehow bear this behavior. She's so self-centered with everything Gohan has done - somehow even hiding the Cell Games event away from her (what is completely reasonable since he understood her feelings towards him are ambiguous at best) she used for her advantage to be angry at him and once again make him somehow a bad guy here. Even when he approached her to talk about Cell Games, initially she was ready to tell him to get lost - but why. What was his crime exactly here? Securing his and his family identity? Keeping the myth of her father allowing her to live in luxury? Damn Gohan, you pig.

This girl is toxic and my boy should stay away from her, doesn't matter how fine her body is, Gohan my dog. Eresa is probably a better fit for you! She will value you at least...

Yet I understood that that's just old fanfic written when the author was just a kid, not fully able to craft the characters and keep them consistent. I understand the good will behind all of that and also I see that confusion in the human relationship reflected here. Also don't even get me started on writing all that in English - not sure how much of a foreign language it was for the author (bi-lingular?) but I'm massively impressed. Heck, I've been using English at work for 10 years now and won't try to write my stories in that language (yet I feel a bit encouraged now seeing all that).

Around the time when Videl starts visiting Son's household the narration gets better. Dialogues are still quite simplistic and often leading to nowhere but I accepted that at this point.

Chapter 18 - 22
True turnaround is around chapter 18 when they arrive at Bulma's party. Another huge step in the narration field, dialogues and the tone. Too bad Gohan and Vegeta's fight did not receive a proper narrative story-telling - its DBZ baby, if there's some beating I want to know the details, the sweat, the blood!
Also what is going on with those sleepovers? First at Gohan's now at Bulma. It's a French thing or something?

Then we got Chapter 21. Not gonna lie, this shit went from mid to spicy extremely fast and then was stopped completely. That panic of Gohan's, as somehow understable, leads to idiotical and chaotic chapter finale. It seems the author needed more drama at this point thus orchestrating the situation as it does not seem like a logical reaction. I understand Gohan here in general, the struggle and moral, I'm not a stranger to such situation - but I had enough brain to say something instead of running away like a damn chicken.

Och, okay, so now we got Chapter 22 where Gohan explains it's because of his alien heritage he cannot be with Videl. It would make sense... If it weren't for a fact that this emerged so late! He did not have such fears before, simply being afraid of rejection, now he's afraid he's alien. And why exactly? It would not be the first mixed marriage in this universe. Again, I understand the idea and the plot but it seems it was introduced too late to the story and does not work exactly without needed adjustments in the older chapters.

Chapters 23 - Epilogue

With each new chapter the growth on the author's part was well visible, the narration got better, the dialogues were often on point. The initial lack of narration was replaced with details, characters' thoughts started getting a fine shape, their struggles felt real. Definitely the author was a different person at this point then when she started all of that journey years earlier. I like the small changes in how the plot progressed with Goku coming earlier from the dead but to be honest I'm not sure what was his plan to begin with.
I understood the way the whole Buu saga was told and I accept the author is not a fan of fighting scenes narration. I was my own small hope to alter the story with Gohan beating Buu when he was still a Tall one - it would be a cherry on the top for me. As a long-life fan I'm saddened Gohan never made a full-size win against a major villain despite having the chances at least two times (defeating Cell was a win but with a cost of Goku's life).

I also like how Chichi became a real person in this story instead of just yelling all the time since Toriyama (God rests his soul) reduced Ox's daughter exactly to that in his work. Introducing a relationship and love with Goku is something I was longing to see and didn't even know about. It's even better since in Super (which did not exist when this fick was written) Goku's understanding of relationship or intimacy was reduced to pieces by stupid gags.

Summary

Overall, the main tool to shape the plot was a complete lack of communication skills between characters. I get it, they 16yo, they are stupid, the don't want to be hurt, but it's taken into extremum when they are perfectly aware of each other's feelings and still are afraid of rejection. Oddly convenient to push the narration further with yet another failure on their part. I'm happy the author addressed a lot of those things in later chapters (probably noticing that her characters weren't exactly reasonable for most of the story) but still could be shaped in a different way nonetheless. At the same time I understand not being willing to correct previous, usually way older chapters. Also I still cannot stop being impressed by writing all of that in English.

I wasn't exactly reading any DBZ fanfics for years already so not comparing to anything else but for me that was a pleasant read. Not a fully fleshed-out novel as major rewriting would be in place for the first half but - I think I'm already repeating myself - I understand the circumstances under which this story was created. Maybe characters are blushing too much or re-brushing again too often, and constant miscommunication serves as a major plot device but I cannot refuse that the author put a lot of heart and thoughtfulness into the story, especially for the later parts. As a fellow writer it is great to see others thriving with their craft getting better with each chapter.

Well now off to read other stories of the author.

Omg he did not just do it

Thank you for sharing your story!

I am really sorry for not leaving a review after every chapter. Any effort by an author should be honoured with some words of encouragement or constructive criticism. Yet, I didn't give them. I want to explain why, though.
I am grateful to FFnet for installing the reading function. I run around the whole house going about my day and let the AI-voice read stories to me. I did it with your story as well. Hence I didn't always have my phone with me, leaving it somewhere behind. Therefore I was way too lazy to go grab it after every chapter.
Still, you would have deserved a review, many, that is.

I am impressed by your English language skills. Translating a story, not just some sentencesno, a whole story, is bonkers and a ton of work. You did an incredible job. Kudos to you! Still, some mistakes; spelling, wrong prepositions, etc. were there, but did not hinder or alter the reading, or in my case listening experience.
The plot of the story was okay. Really slow-burn but fine. Sometimes it was a bit too sappy for my taste. I know, teenagers are awkward and hormones suck big time, but these two were way too confused. That bothered me. There were sweet moments and situations that I liked, though. The teasing was a bit much.
In the end, it was a well-rounded story after all. The title fit, for Videl's heart kept its secret till the end, and every other of Gohan's secrets got revealed during the story.

I liked it. Thanks again for sharing!

What a great description of events of that night. Again, a completely different writing style from the rest of the story, but very well written.

This chapter has a rightful place as a bonus chapter, it is a true bonus to the story

The interaction between Gohan and Videl is a bit cheesy at the start, but pretty cute.

Oohhh, some Chiku (Gochi?) action.

“Her tone far too nice to be natural”
I love that sentence!

But sir, the world had ended yesterday
Yes, and today is school, deal with it.

Of course they didn’t sleep with each other before the end of the world. It was… after.
I lolled at that. You can just see the awkwardness.

I really like how you included the tournament in the aftermath.

Gohan could hardly forget the “gentleness” of his former teacher
DOOOOOODGE!

Fun to see Goku teach his old tricks to his son.

This was a cute ending to a somewhat chaotic, but overall nice story.

When Gohan explained that he was a Saiyan, and that his dad and Vegeta are the last full blooded Saiyans, of a nearly extinct race. I almost expected him to tell Videl: we’re working on a repopulation program, and I would like to ask you to participate to save the species, what do you say?

The first part of this chapter was cutesy, but felt unrelated to the main story; it could have fitted easily in most HanVi stories.
The middle bit was very good, working in the aftermath of the Buu saga, and having Gohan finally able to tell his secret.
The ending was nice and cute, but felt a bit too quick after all the agonising that Gohan and Videl had over their feelings for each other; after all that the solution felt a bit too easy.

It is interesting to see the style changes when you pick up the story after a long hiatus.

Although I have to say I am not a fan of the style in this chapter. The blocks of text don’t work that well for the flow, and combined with the speculative narrative it makes it somewhat of a confusing read.
Reading this late at night may also play a role, but generally I find your writing a lot easier to read.

The first part of this chapter was some excellent sheer horror, especially with Buu going loose on the Lookout.

The middle bit is more or less an exact retelling of the original story, this time more from a narrator perspective than a character perspective.

The end really brings us back to Gohan’s point of view, very curious hoe the next chapter will play out.

Trunks is smart enough not to strike at a minster that is obviously stronger than him.
Cue Trunks kicking away Majin Buu from Vegeta.

I like how you tell what is basically the known storyline through the eyes of other characters. It gives the stor a whole new dynamic

All in all, this is pretty much a retelling of the kanon events, with the difference in the timing, and more emphasis on Gohan and Videl’s relation.

It’s a good setup to progress and accelerate the story to where you want it to be. I am curious when and where the deviation will start reoccuring.

Wow, this chapter took a sharp 180 turn after such a nice and peaceful picnic with the Son family.

I’m wondering why Goku didn’t use instant transmission when he sensed Gohan’s energy dropping.

I do wonder, was the burning building that caught Videl a trigger for your other story, where Videl was brought ack after dying in a burning building?

It is nice to see how much Videl has managed to improve herself.

They’re still lashing out instead of talking it out, like they both want to. Curse these emotions.

Gohan ate only the bare necessities somehow sounds like it still is a huge understatement.

Chichi learned that Goka was dead before she found out that he was an alien, and next time they spoke Goku was completely broken. Not sure if that is a very fair comparison.

What a nice reunion for the Son family. Hopefully it will help lift Gohan’s spirit.

Very interesting divide between the mother/son, and father/daughter interaction.

It’s funny in some sense, Gohan didn’t want to face Videl, but is probably more dismayed of not seeing her, than having to face her.

Very interesting ending to this chapter.