|Reviews for The Legend Within: Rise of a Champion|
| Darren chapter 13 . 2/16
Revive this story please :((((((
| Hammer231 chapter 13 . 7/11/2012
So it's safe to say this story is dead right? Anyways thanks for the great chapters, the story was looking great.
| SatiricFable chapter 12 . 3/23/2010
Probably one of the most detailed and well-rounded fics I've ever read.
You gave everyone an amazing backstory, and you made all of your OCs and added characters fit seamlessly into the plot (which I love, by the way).
The personalities you gave people like Kushina, who were in the manga but never really shown, were great. These were personalities I think the people would really have in the anime.
The detail in everything is just...amazing. I'm not even sure where to start on this. The meetings with the council, the Hyuuga and Kumo relationship, everything!
You genuinely are a very good writer, and I really hope you'll decide to continue this story, if you find a Beta. It's been around a year since you've updated, so I'm not really sure of this story's situation anymore, but whatever.
Thank you so much for the great read, a wonderful story!
| Fury074 chapter 13 . 1/24/2010
Um, just something I noticed, most of the female characters in your story act like gossiping chickadees'. While some women do indeed act this way, others do not. I was wondering if you could have them actually act different, rather than say they're different in the narrative.
Also, you did have some occasional grammarical and spelling errors throughout the story, though most of those were minor.
Also, the plot is moving a little slow.
| notgonnasay09 chapter 12 . 12/2/2009
I must say, I have never read a fic on this site that has had as much depth as this one. Yeah, many of the characters we know of didn't show up for a while, but this is still great. However, I would like to make the suggestion that perhaps now that Naruto and company are finally getting into the academy, that you take a little more time with them rather than putting so much emphasis on what is going on behind the scenes. This doesn't necessarily mean to leave things out. I am simply suggesting that you add a little more to what is at the forefront, as much as you put into the background. Well done!
| RaptorJr chapter 13 . 9/5/2009
no reviewing, got it
| magicward101 chapter 12 . 5/16/2009
What a great story I forgot what I voted for in the latest poll though. It was either discovery, or rememberance I'm pretty sure. Though which Of the two I voted for I'm not sure as they both highly appealing to me.
| Hammer231 chapter 12 . 5/12/2009
Hey man about the poll, I think you should take the remembrance (anti-hero sasuke) and if I can make a little suggestion maybe you should keep mikoto (sasuke's mother alive), I dont know after the argument she had with fugaku she decides to leave the Uchiha compound for a while and takes sasuke with her, Itachi decides to stay since it will make his mission less complicated and will not put his mother and brother in jeopardy. Then after the massacre his his mom offers advice and guidance to sasuke which leads him to keep developing relations with the other students and doesnt turn him into and avenger or anything but makes him want to be stronger so that he can honor the memory of his clan and one day find his brother(not kill him just to know what happened) and finally learn the truth?...
Just and idea and it could explain why he doesnt get obsessed with killing itachi, I mean we all know we think about doing some stupid things but our moms pretty much always guide us and keep us from doing them xD anyways nice story man keep up the good work
| XPGamer chapter 13 . 5/8/2009
I like the story so far, I hope you update soon. Hopefully you wont let over-bearing nobodies that like to bring down that which they don't understand instead of trying to help make it better by being constructive.
| XPGamer chapter 1 . 5/8/2009
I have to agree with SnowCharm about this Randoph person.
I just finished reading these 12 chapters and I found it very interesting how you added a whole new twist to the "Hinata kidnapping" that had a simple explanation in the anime.
You are also correct in your overview on chapter 13 bout how in the Naruto universe the "adults" do act childish at times from the genin all the way to the Hokage, at least in the village of Konoha. The only ones who are not as childish are characters like Danzo, Asuma, Ibiki etc, the war vets.
Though if you look at other vets such as Kakashi who despite his traumatic past his very childish in his approach of training his genin team you can see how, just because they are "adults" does not mean everyone is going to be as serious. Even the Sarutobi is seen to be on the "lax" side when he is remembered by the shinobi at his funeral.
Above all else, every fan fic is different in the sense that the author of each fic IS different. To criticize someone on their efforts and submissions is futile because this is not a look-alike contest.
| SnowCharms chapter 12 . 5/8/2009
I honestly do not see a problem with your story, though the dialogues are a little too formal. You should reserve the formalities for the characters that really matter, but some casualness wouldn't hurt. That Randoh person is probably an idiot who critiques the works of others but has nothing to show for him/herself.
As for the mature appearances of the abults, I don't see a problem with them. They're perfect just the way they are, not too stiff but not too laz either. They feel... comfortable. Update!
| Randoh chapter 1 . 5/6/2009
"Second, many original characters are included in the story, some that advance plots within the story (or create new plots altogether), and support canon characters that would otherwise have no background. While none of the original characters would bomb a Mary-Sue litmus test, I believe the aforementioned litmus test is a joke for experienced authors. They know to keep the spotlight on the most important characters, and let the original characters support them."
Your far from being considered a experienced author. While your OC's remain mostly in the background and support the story without being obnoxiously visible, the quality of the dialogues in the story is awful. Characters are flat, and the people sound the same. The personalities of your older characters come across as childlike sometimes. As I continue reading the later chapters, it bleeds into your plot (or how you present your plot).
Work on your dialogued. Try to make the characters sound distinct. People all talk in a distinctive way. Some characters may be too mature, some too childish, but remember that majority of the characters fall somewhere between the two points. Also, try not to let your story sound like a thesis, you have a tendency to cite things and inject them into your story (e.g. studies on...).
| monkey kix ass chapter 12 . 5/6/2009
i really liked this chapter. the mothers' scene was very interesting, and i loved the last line in it. as for the poll you have going on, i personally would like to see either the discovery scenario or the remembrance one. either one would make an interesting read. anyways, hope you update again soon.
| The Gandhara chapter 12 . 5/6/2009
You've a well developed style, and I like the many angles that you work into the story. I like the web of interests and relatioships that you've created in your fic, although at times you have to read very slowly to make sure you don't miss the threads. Personally, I like complex stories, but this fic definitely isn't for those looking for a light reading.
Still, sometimes a little suspension of disbelief is needed. For example, I find it doesn't make sense for Reina to leave alive two people who could identify her.
Your original characters are good; they all have backstory, variety, and are far from mary-sues. Part of me thinks you're putting too many, but that doesn't seem fair when all of them have so clear missions to fulfill.
| Pandora's Crate chapter 12 . 5/6/2009
Hmm...while I think you'd do a great job with any of Sasuke's three fates, the Vengeance path is rather...well trodden. I'd prefer to see one of the other two, but would be happy with anything.
Keep up the great work!