|Reviews for A Lifetime Together|
| MsScape chapter 1 . 5/3/2013
First of all, about your author's notes, they're immature. If YOU don't want negative things said about the material you write, DON'T submit it online. When you submit any work, you are opening yourself up to criticism whether you like it or not. As for this story, you need to learn how to put commas and periods INSIDE the quotation marks. That's one of my biggest pet peeves. You were inconsistent in your chapters, and your blocks of paragraph were difficult to sift through. Thoughts and dialogue are jumbled together, and a few times I didn't know what was going on. You need to start a new line whenever someone new speaks. As for a thought, it would be much easier to read if thoughts were written in italics. Interpret my review any way you like. Most of the reviews you get are there to help you improve as a writer. I've seen worse than this, but this isn't that great either.
| Guest chapter 3 . 3/15/2013
Okay. Yeah. I'm done. Anything further I say will probably just hurt your feelings, but I have to drop out of stories that just flippantly murder canon like this and make the characters OOC. This was written several years ago, and I'm sure you're a better writer now, so... peace out.
| Guest chapter 2 . 3/15/2013
Okay, I'll try and be helpful here. First off, this is way too short to qualify for a chapter, but I'll ignore that for a moment. Here is how this could have been written properly:
Two years and seven months later, when all of Naruto's friends were sixteen, Hinata watched Naruto walk into town. She hadn't seen him for over two and a half years. It was all she could do not to run downstairs and kiss his soft lips again.
Also, I'm very confused on where exactly Hinata is. The Hyuuga compound? Near the town gate? You say that she watched him walk into town, but then say she resisting the urge to go downstairs. Where is she?
| Raiden chapter 1 . 3/15/2013
ARGHHHH WALL OF TEXT! MY EYES! Your author's note at the end was antagonistic and immature. If you don't want people to say negative things about your story, either a) make it a high quality fic or b) don't post it on the internet.
I'm going to attempt to continue reading this, in hopes of finding some redeeming qualities.
| Apex Soldier chapter 14 . 6/9/2009
That was really good...
| Apex Soldier chapter 4 . 6/9/2009
Haha Tsunade fainted..
| Apex Soldier chapter 1 . 6/9/2009
I like it so far..
its really good...
| The last blue Rose chapter 12 . 3/7/2009
woah woah woaah! hold up...five yard penalty ...rewind... ok first her mother was dead...then she was alive to be told about the marriage... now she's dead again? your story is getting too broken up its an interesting idea... but its too short and broken...i believe if your rewrote this, made it alittle alonger did some more describing... and say stayed consistant with the facts in your story it would be great and not good...
| The last blue Rose chapter 2 . 3/7/2009
ok i know i said i would review ever other chapter... but damn... this is way too short to even be thought of as a chapter... like it should have been tacked on to the last one... or the beginning of the next one...
| The last blue Rose chapter 1 . 3/7/2009
ok i havent even begun to read the story yet...and my first thought when i looked at this chapter...is holy mother of god, thats a long paragraph O.O!
i technicly know its multiple paragraphs but still...spaces in between then make somewhat easyer to read...at least in my opinion...
now to acutualy read it...
thoughts and dialoge are jumbled up together... maybe use italics to show the difference between speaking aloud and thinking to them selfs?
also your constantly switching between writing a number and just putting a number for example
"So Tsunade sama chose these 2...I wonder why she chose...maybe this mission is the one that will finally bring these two closer together...never mind, I should explain the mission to these two."
you started the thought with using 2 but ended with using two, it doesnt make it any harder to read but it would make the story flow better.
some typos not realy bad but noticeable...
hmm kinda sad that the day after he left to train...hmm could have been better
the main thing i see is the problem with the spacing and shortness of the chapter other then that its good i think ill reveiw every other chapter or so...
| CreativeWritingNZer chapter 1 . 12/27/2008
since it was your first fanfic we can't judge it too harshley.
but you might want to look at the prospect of paragraphs.
this is relatively hard to focus on which, inevitably, detracts from the story.
I cant really comment on many other aspects as they tie into the paragraphing in one way or another.
having said all that this isnt a bad story. with a bit of structuring and rephrasing this could be quite a good story.
so keep at it!
| Kimiko Misaragi chapter 1 . 11/28/2008
Ok, ok, this was EXTREMELY hard to read. It was all blocked together, which hurt my already terrible eyes. You have to switch the paragraph when someone else talks! And take this for example:
"I love you so much Hinata", Naruto sat up, still holding Hinata.
This. Is. Terrible. Well, ok, I've seen worse... but let me fix that for you.
"I love you so much, Hinata," Naruto said, sitting up, He was still holding Hinata.
Sound better?I think so too.
| leeroc101 chapter 14 . 7/9/2008
Well, i was utterly lost with the chapters. but thats my only complaint. Great story.
| FrigidSnow chapter 1 . 6/24/2008
I agree with Flame Rising, but, hey, good job! ...8D
| leeroc101 chapter 5 . 6/21/2008
hey, great story, only proplem i saw was that you were inconsistant with spacing paragraphs throughout the chapters. I'm assuming that by the later chapters you fixed it. TO ANYONE WHO REVIEWS AFTER ME: PLZ REPORT THE FLAMER. there is no reason to put that kind of stuff in a review!