|Reviews for For Those Who Came Before|
| Revolving Dragunov chapter 1 . 2/8/2013
Blue-Inked Frost said to we could give her review to someone (preferably you since you did so earlier) so now I am reviewing this. However, I know nothing about the Batman fandom.
To start, I really enjoyed the formatting of your story. Your spacing is great and it makes it easier on the eyes to read.
Next, I like the way this story was set up concerning the first person point of view. I also like how fast paced this story is. You do a great job of creating a gritty-like atmosphere.
“All who come here die or are already dead, waiting for the end.”
I feel like it would be better to mention “already dead” first and then mention “all who come here die”, my reason being if a person is already dead then they aren’t necessarily waiting for the end as opposed to someone going there and then they die. Then again, “waiting for the end” could have some deeper meaning that I’m not aware of.
"I know." I'm starting to get pissed now. Would it kill him if I punched him in the nose?
"It's your job."
There isn’t an ending quotation mark after, “nose?”. I’m also a bit confused. Is it his job to punch his nose? If it is, then that would be funny.
“Everyone thinks I'm him. I'm Batman. Everyone but me. Me? I know the truth. I'm just his best friend.”
That’s a very powerful sentence.
“"I just...don't feel right about it. I mean-this is his costume. I'm just filling until..."
"No...It's been six years. He isn't coming back."
No! Don't say that! We'll find him, I swear it! I can't believe he just said that, but a part of me knows he's right.”
I like the dialogue there. It was very emotional and I feel bad for the guy….wanting Batman to come back, but knowing deep down that probably won’t happen. It must be really hard for him to fill the role of his comrade while dealing with the emotional pain at the same time.
Overall, I found this to be an interesting read that those in the fandom can enjoy. You do a great job with creating an atmosphere that’s was just right for the story.
| Blue-Inked Frost chapter 1 . 11/12/2012
I liked the immediacy of the present tense in this story.
"In the full light of day, it still manages dark shadows, but by nightfall the entire property seems consumed by a perpetual darkness." - the pronoun 'it' has an unclear meaning here.
"keeps it ther" - there.
The description of the dusty Batmansion with the dour host conveyed an impression of empty, rundown lifelessness.
"it's the same theme. relics of the past" - missed capital letter.
"I couldn't bear to wear his costume, so I'd had a new one made." - I thought the 'his' here was a bit ambiguous, although the summary emphasises Terry so it's most likely his. On balance I do like how the narrator is ambiguous.
"His now rests along side the other fallen and retired heroes who came before us." - alongside is one word.
""It's late." My eyes jerk away to focus on the opposite end of the cave. He's leaning forward in his chair, propped up by the cane, a stone statue staring hard at me." So the 'he' here is Bruce-and I was still wondering who the narrator was at this point. :)
The Bruce/narrator conversation read as very ritualistic and abstract, two characters talking about facts they have known for a very long time. It interested me to read.
"It just hurts too much." - this is a tiny nitpick, but I think the sentence would've been stronger without the adverb. Then again, if it's in the character's canonical voice, that's a good thing.
Then in the end after the conversation there's finally the exposition about what exactly happened. I liked how the narrator turned out to be Max! Not that I've actually seen much of Team Terry in action, but what I've read about her character sounds cool. I like the idea of a successor to the Battitle being a Batwoman rather than another Batman, when there are so many interesting and capable female characters in the DC universe.
An interesting, brief teaser for your story. :)
| Aspiring Mythmaker chapter 1 . 11/3/2009
Let me begin by saying I can't begin anything well. Quod erat demonstrandum. That out of the way, lets get started.
The story is well written, with stark, bold word choices to highlight foreshadowing. For example:
"So many have gone before me. Soon I will join them."
This is probably one of the most memorable parts of a very memorable story. The dialogue also shows great forethought, quickly and creatively establishing the relationship between the characters. The last line was also well planned and creates a very strong Oh-This-Explains-Everything moment.
There are a few conflicts between past and present tense, but only hyper-critics would think it was a problem.
"In the full light of day, it still managed dark shadows, but by nightfall the entire property seems consumed by perpetual darkness."
Technically, either "managed" should be "manages" or "seems" should be "seemed". Personally, and given the rest of your story is in present tense, I would suggest the first option, but its up to you whether you think it matters.
Some of your sentences also seem to be missing some crucial elements. For instance:
"Most people would be at home with their families by now, finishing dinner, chatting about how their normal, boring days went, winding down for the night"
This sentence seems right at first, but upon further examination, it seems to be lacking a conjunction. An "and" or "or" is needed somewhere in here for it to be correct.
"Nearing the end of the long, curved stair down, the row of costumes is in full view."
This sentence lacks context. "Nearing" is a verb, which requires a subject. We can all guess, by association at least, what that subject is, but the sentence doesn't include it. Also, "stair" doesn't fit the context. I suggest chaning it to something like this:
"As I near the end of the long, curved stairway down, the row of costumes is in full view."
In the end, none of these errors is significant enought to cause a disruption in the story; it wasn't until my third read-through that I managed to spot them all.
Keep it up. This is good.
| Fantasywriter14 chapter 1 . 9/3/2009
Well, like I said before, I don't completely understand Batman and the like, but I certainly understood the story. It was well-written, with only a few slight mistakes here and there. I believe I saw one typo towards the beginning of the story, and you used commas more than you should have in some places... But other than that the piece was error free.
Now, on to my personal opinions...
I thought "Batman's" thoughts were a little bit hard to understand in some parts. You had the other guy talking, and "Batman" thinking something in the next sentence. The man's speech and the main character's thoughts should be separated into different paragraphs. This makes it easier to understand. For a moment, I thought the other guy was thinking something, and that wouldn't have worked at all...
So yeah... Let's see... This is obviously a story that gives insight into the character of Maxine Gibson, I believe. If so, it should definitely include more descriptive passages. You have quite a load of dialogue, but not enough to actually describe what's going on. I don't always want to hear the main character's thoughts; I want to see what he does, how he acts, and what he's thinking without necessarily hearing it constantly. Do you get what I mean?
Overall it was a very interesting story. You're a brilliant writer, and I can't wait to review more of your stories sometime!
| Eleve Osirian chapter 1 . 7/29/2009
Since you have helped me beyond measure in the "injuries thread", I was excited to get the chance to perhaps help via a review. I know little about Batman, but I have seen the movies. With that said, my knowledge of the fandom is a bit limited.
I loved the pacing, as it definitely added to the emotional aspect of the story. An example would be: "Life. Lifeless. This is a place of death. All who come here die or are already dead, waiting for the end. So many have gone before me. Soon, I will join them."
It gives the reader a sense of impending doom, and compels us enough to want to keep reading, to find out what is going to happen to the main character. You accomplished that by leaving the identity of that character until the very last sentence. I can honestly say that the way you wrote this seemed to be geared towards keeping things hidden, secret until the very end, despite the details you mentioned in the beginning. I noticed that the closer it got to the end, the more we got to see inside Maxine's head, into what she was feeling in that moment. I enjoyed that the most, because it added another dimension to the character.
Varied length in your sentences added enough "flavor" so none of the sentences become redundant or repetitive (Believe me when I say that is refreshing). Too many writers get caught up in what they are writing, that they forget to keep their thoughts organized and clear. Lucky for everyone involved with this, it is very easy to understand.
Now onto things you could work on:
“It seems the old man keeps it ther just” – you mean ‘there’
“with a dour host” – I don’t think dour is a word, but I could be mistaken p
Overuse of semi-colons.
“I descend to the cave below; not sure why though, habit perhaps. I know what he'll say; it's the same every year. Not much difference here; it's the same theme.”
I think that’s the only sentence that has that many, but I think it would serve you well if you rearranged it to rid it of a few of them. One is good for a change, but be careful of how often you use it. I have the same problem, so I fully understand how difficult that can be, when you want to say something a specific way. )
That’s about it, although I am curious: did you ever write that other story where you intended to include this?
| DaViperDragon chapter 1 . 4/5/2009
| HK-47 Scarlet chapter 1 . 3/27/2009
Yes, I just had to read one of your fics, haha. I really like this, it's a very interesting concept, and more importantly, ORIGINAL!
I also like the flow of the story; the words used, the description. I think I enjoyed the internal dialogue the most. The conflict the character had with himself was great. This is coming from someone who doesn't read fics from this fandom. I actually do like the show though; it's just been AGES since I've seen it.
This reminds me of one of those appetizers that you eat, and then you think 'NO! I'm done already? I want MORE!'
Ah, the ending. I find that when I read a fic(my own included) the ending seems rushed...like it just...ends. Can't explain it. Your ending, however, was just right. It didn't just up and end, the paragraph before it seemed like a setup for the last few sentences of the fic. Agh, sorry if I don't make any sense. For some reason I can write but when it comes to putting my thoughts it the right words...I think I try too hard to be literal.
Anyway, the overall style was great. I don't quite know how to describe it, but it was refreshing.
In short, great job. You're a really talented writer and I look forward to reading some of your other fics, and more to come.
Happy Writing. :)
Great job, and happy writing. :)
| evil-sami-poo chapter 1 . 12/29/2008
It is a nice story. I like how it flowed. It was really well writen, not a word seem out of place as some stories can sometime have. It is the sort of story that makes me want to think, to look deeper than the deepness of it. Well done.
| Ripdos A.K.A The Bad Ash chapter 1 . 12/28/2008
nice but when does ths kick into the major crossover. I don't know HP and my BB is rusty but I know the batman characters and the x-men.
| Eris R. Lebeau chapter 1 . 10/5/2008
I liked this! Reminds me of the writing style in old-school comic books, with the main character "narrating".
It's a good beginning, sets up the plot well.
I would, however, nix the first paragraph. It just doesn't add anything. The second paragraph has more meaningful imagery and emotional impact.
You are right that this piece stands alone (as in "you don't have to know anything much about Batman to understand it"). I do hope you'll continue the story.
| Blood Lady chapter 1 . 9/13/2008
This was a very interesting little fic. I especially love how you displayed the speaker's thoughts so that the reader feels everything right along with her.
Since you've already been informed of the few minor errors I found, I won't bother you by repeating them.
Thanks for a good read.
| Rallag chapter 1 . 6/27/2008
Very god, I've seen the first Batman, so I get the gist of the plot, but I can't see those British parts, they'll be in the next chapter, right?
| FantasticalFish chapter 1 . 6/9/2008
OHMYGOSH! Were did Terry go? D: I wants to find out!
| lushifuhr chapter 1 . 6/4/2008
I'm giving you the criticism via a review, if you don't mind. Well, I really enjoyed reading it, even if I've never watched Batman before.
What I really liked about your story, is how you kept the name of the main character unknown until the final sentence! It made me hold my breath and I wanted to know who it was as soon as possible, so you definitely kept me reading, and I didn't lose my interest.
There were a few spelling mistakes, like 'a dour host' I suppose you meant sour, or I just don't know the meaning of the word dour.. you probably typed the wrong letter, as I saw a few times more. Anyways, I loved this story, it was full of suspense. Keep it up!
| LionQueen chapter 1 . 6/4/2008
That was pretty good! I really like the descriptions. There's a couple of spelling errors in there, the for they ...
"This time he lets is go" is it supposed to be "lets it go?"
At any rate, you write very well:)