|Reviews for The masquerade date revised|
| IDidn'tFeelLikeSigningIn chapter 1 . 3/31/2012
I have to say this: it would be impossible for Draco(or anyone for that matter) to have a 14" penis. Make it more realistic. Make it like 7". And if you want him to have a large one make it like 8-9 inches.
| Full of Ennui chapter 1 . 5/2/2009
Lawl, I have blonde hair AND I act blonde. XD
Anyways, this story is awesome! I love the characters, especially Ginny, Draco, Morgan, and Harry. Morgan/Harry and Ginny/Draco are good pairings, I congratulate you on putting them together. -
| xsilentrhapsodyx chapter 1 . 7/13/2008
you suck and you can't write.
| Mell8 chapter 1 . 6/12/2008
It's better, yes. It's actually a lot better. There are still a lot of problems though.
Let's start with the first line: "Ginny looked over at Morgan, -I can’t believe I let me in to this- her talk she thought as Morgan laced up the Corset part of her Masquerade dress."
I have no idea what the -'s are. They're not any form of punctuation I've seen used in that sort of situation. Generally "-" is used instead of a comma but in this situation it is really not appropriate, particularly after a comma.
The line, "I can't believe I let me in to this", has never been used in the English language before. Think: if you wouldn't say it while in a conversation with someone, then it's probably wrong. I think you meant to say something like, "I can't believe she talked me into this".
Now the line: "Her talk she thought as Morgan". What? That makes no sense. You have two actions, talk and thought, but nothing connecting them. Do you mean, "she thought as Morgan"?
The last issue I saw with this one sentence is the word corset. For some reason you've put it in upper case. It's not a name or a proper nown so it shouldn't be capitalized.
Now, I'm going to write the sentence the way I think you meant to write it and then I'll explain a few things about why I did what I did to fix it.
"Ginny looked over at Morgan. "I can't believe she talked me into this," Ginny thought to herself as Morgan laced up the corset part of her dress for the Masquerade."
I separated it into two sentences to help with the flow. If you read it now, I think the sentence flows a lot better.
I put her thought in quotation marks. Thinking is still technically a form of speech so you can use quotation. A lot of authors will bold or italicize thoughts instead of putting them in quotations to eliminate any confusion between thinking and speaking.
Speech tags, as they can be called, are also very important. After the thought I put in the comma before the end quotation mark. This website explains this quite clearly: forums. ? 58859
I'm assuming that Masquerade is the name of the dance and am therefore leaving it in uppercase.
I also changed "Masquerade dress" to "her dress for the Masquerade" again for the flow of the sentence. It's just smoother saying the version I wrote.
Obviously I don't need to go any further than the first sentence for you to get my point that while, yes, you did fix quite a lot, there are still quite a few issues that you need to work out.
I would still suggest finding a good beta reader. I would offer my beta services but I have some severe time constraints that generally limit me to beta reading stories that are already well written but just need a second set of eyes to glance through to catch smaller mistakes. If you take the advise I just gave you and fix many of your mistakes then feel free to e-mail me.
| Alexis Erika Rose chapter 1 . 6/1/2008
You didn't seem to change a whole lot. " -I can’t believe I let me in to this- her talk she thought" Do you see the error in the word order here? It should read "-I can't believe I let her talk me into this-she thought"
I read your other reviews on the story, they all agreed with me. Listen there IS talent there, you just need to practice.
You're 'its just fan fiction argument' is weak. Most of us take fan fiction very seriously, its still writing, its still an art, you should still TRY. If you've been passing English, then you can obviously write better than this, so why don't you?
I know its hard to write, especially from someone else's work. It's hard to keep the characters true to the original, but still be creative and unique.
Fan fiction gives your reader an idea of what you write like, I think its very good why to build a fan base. I am a writer, in every sense of the word, I've been writing fan fiction for a very long time, since I was your age, and I'm 20 now. I've had my share of flames, I've written stories I'm ashamed of, and I've grown in my abilities because of fan fiction, because I took the advice that was given to me. I have a wonderful Beta, she's the best, I have quite few rather loyal readers.
I wish you would see reason Morgan, I'm trying to HELP you. If you refuse to listen then there is nothing I can do. If you ever want to get published get used to constructive criticism.