|Reviews for The Fountain of Youth|
| Panser Dragoon chapter 11 . 9/7/2008
Shock horror! Azulongmon goes bad and stabs the humans in the back, so much fun!
And overly detailed subplots are one of the best things about this story, it all adds to the suspense D
| Crazyeight chapter 3 . 9/5/2008
The use of parenthesis to describe a certain digimon (like Agumon(black) and WereGarurumon(Viral)) is completely unnecessary and even distracting as it feels like a mid-story author insert, not to mention a way of slacking off on describing the characters in a manner that's helpful. Simply calling Agumon(black) 'BlackAgumon' (as he is normally called) or describing him as a black colored Agumon would have been more then sufficient. I am wondering what's up with Yamato's WereGarurumon. I was under the impression that he was a Vaccine, not a Virus type digimon.
Usual comments about your incorrect use of 'there, they're, and their', ditto for you lack of commas in the appropriate dialogue places. It makes your writing look it was written by an amateur, which is not what I get from your style these days as it's a lot more consistent (if not a little less oriented towards supplying a backstory so as to jump into the action).
Parts of this chapter feel as though it jumps around a bit, mainly in how it deals with the mysterious marauders who keep popping up and attacking key characters for no discernable reason.
Curious as to why they consider Sora so important when Taichi seems to be in the right political places.
You wrote 'Aniki' as 'Anaki'.
Not too bad of a chapter.
| Crazyeight chapter 2 . 8/31/2008
First error that I can think of is a detail concerning Matt's band. From what I remember reading it was called something like the 'Teenage Werewolves' or something of that nature (I'll have to check around again. The last time I read that was a few months ago).
I liked the bits with the political difficulties between the various countries, particularly China considering its current government and its practices. I can easily seeing them clamping down even more on the internet, particularly digital travel (I may want to borrow that idea in the future, with your permission :P).
Fun bit with the use of Uranium isotopes that are specific for dealing with certain digimon types (Data, Virus, Vaccine).
Nice to see some of the characters like Ryo and Ruki operating in the upper corridors of power (Ryo's obviously security. Is Ruki also in security?) How does one make clothes out of Chrome Digizoid though? I was under the impression that Chrome Digizoid appeared as plates, blades or a kind of flexible skin (in MetalEtemon's case anyway), but mostly plate and blade types.
Quote: "The mine was a Steel mine mostly, but their was a few veins of ChromeDigizoid in there as well"
'Their' is supposed to be 'there' in this sentence. You need to keep an eye on your 'there, they're, and theirs' still.
BlackAgumon again, huh? Putting the word 'Black' in paranthesis next to his name is probably going to be misleading (not to mention distracting) as reader's are probably going to look at him as your 'Black' character from your previous works. A simple description or calling him 'BlackAgumon' would have been more then sufficient and then follow it up with his Tamer calling him by name. By the way, what's with the use of 'Blacsan' and 'Crasan'? And when did 'Crasan' enter the picture anyway? By the sounds of it he's a digimon partner, but I don't believe that he was mentioned until now.
Still more issues with comma placement in dialogue.
Kasan's building Gizmon huh? That's an interesting twist. Fweet. Not a bad chapter overall. :P
| Crazyeight chapter 1 . 8/27/2008
Just to show that I haven’t forgotten you, and that I fully intend to go over your work as best as I can, and with a fine toothed comb if I have to. :P
A few corrections to make in this sentence on chapter 1 (the first one is yours as show, the second is mine).
The man hung up the phone and nodded to Taichi, “Sorry about that. I've got a contract that I have to work out all the details too, and while my partner is being very corporative, he's being a stickler.”
The man hung up the phone and nodded to Taichi. “Sorry about that. I’ve got a contract that I have to work out all the details to, and while my partner is being very cooperative, he’s also being a stickler.”
In a lot of cases you have dialogue that happens to be grammatically incorrect. For example is the use of periods and commas. Commas generally go in the place of calm dialogue when a speaker is being identified, and are left out when a speaker isn’t needed to be identified (the only other exceptions to this are when the dialogue isn’t calm such as when an exclamation point is used, or a question is being asked).
Example: (your version)
“Thank you, but no.” Taichi said, bowing slightly.
The correct way:
“Thank you, but no,” Taichi said, bowing slightly.
It’s something that you have to keep an eye out for and all too often do I see this (on a more regular basis oddly enough), even with well-established and excellent writers.
In other cases you have commas being used incorrectly.
Ex: Kasan grinned, “Well, it just so happens that the demand for my companies products is starting to grow. Especially where Europe and America are concerned.”
The comma in the sentence that seperates Kasan’s grinning from his words is not needed unless it is being used as a way to identify his speaking. Otherwise the correct model is this:
Ex: Kasan grinned. “Well, it just so happens that the demand for my companies products is starting to grow. Especially where Europe and America are concerned.’
A lot of back story going on here in the first chapter that isn’t really delved into such as the ‘digivice of courage’ and how Taichi got that, what the digimon partners from the original eight Digidestined (excepting Tailmon) are doing in their In-Training forms, and whatnot though I would guess that this is done in later chapters. The use of canon characters appearing outside of their respective seasons is…odd I suppose, though perhaps not so much for me to focus on right now. However the story from what I’ve seen so far is written well enough that this can be overlooked. The main weakness that I can see is that your grammar, though having improved quite a bit since your first story, is still rather lacking and even half hazard in some places. So far I haven’t seen any spelling errors (such as your infamous misuses of ‘their’, ‘there’, and ‘they’re’) which is good, so kudos to you on that. I’ll be sure to let you know of anything else that comes up in the following chapters as I read them. :)
| Panser Dragoon chapter 10 . 8/19/2008
No, not a cliffhanger!
Great story though, there's gonna be more chapters soon right?
| Lord Pata chapter 10 . 8/18/2008
I like how you go deep on Taichi's personality, and how Sora is handling the things too, you have a really good peace in this, not to fast and not too slow neither
| 90MLLu chapter 4 . 8/11/2008
Love the fight between Izzy and davis at the end! very good written! I feel sorry for davis not having Veemon around:(
But anyway fantastic writing
| 90MLLu chapter 3 . 8/8/2008
This is the best chapter yet. Your writing is awesome. The fight scene was god descibed and what a suspense you have left behind. What will happen to Tai?
| 90MLLu chapter 2 . 8/8/2008
Oh dear good the last part with Izzy was surprisingly good. Very dramatic. Can't believe that Izzy would work for a person like Kasan. Can't wait for the next chapter
| 90MLLu chapter 1 . 8/7/2008
Wow this seriously good. How did you come up with that. All the sociaty problems. it's amazing how you could think of that. And Tai being the leader in the Digital world is amzing. the whole plot is brilliant!
| Courage Sun chapter 7 . 7/22/2008
Coolio! I didn't know Jyou could heal people... err... digimon! UPDATE SOON BUDDY! I'm likin' this story a lot _
| Chibi-ben chapter 1 . 7/18/2008
Interesting... veddy, veddy, intewesting...
It's got a good lead-up, and definately an interesting idea with the 'Digital World Government'.
All in all, good job!
-You're most irreverant and disliked fan
| Courage Sun chapter 6 . 7/3/2008
(*grins broadly*) Thank you for the special thanks! Whoa did that sound weird or was it just me? I love giving motivation! It's so FUN!
Davis: And it's not like you have to try very hard... you're such a spazz and all...
me: (*glares*) Anywayz! Interesting new chapter although something that would make it better is maybe a short biography to each character like at the end or something. Cuz other than a few other things (which are just because you haven't revelaed them yet - like if Tai is really alive or not!) that really the only thing that confuzzeles me. The three evil chosen I get now, but like Tsurugi... yea.
haha, okay now that that's over!
YAY! So... the chosen are gonna create a civil war between them? SWEETNESS! GAH! And is Taichi alive or am I going crazy! PLZ UPDATE SOON! I. AM. LOVING THIS!
| Cyber-Porygon chapter 6 . 7/2/2008
so is takato going to be taking figure head role of the group i mean although henry is the brains all through out the series he is mostly a pacifist who when knowing somethings you have to fight for what you believe in he hesitates and rika is naturally a loner who would rather fight alone then ask for help I'm not saying takato was the strongest or smartest but I've always seen him as a leader type. plus takato is my favorite digimon leader and character of all the ddgimon series including data squad
| mickiept chapter 6 . 7/2/2008
I really like this story, although I'm a little confused as to what happened to Altered Reverberations.
I have always liked stories that deal with their lives after 02, not just the happy mushy crap of everyone having a digimon and accepting them instantly. The name thing is a little confusing though, and I wonder why Daisuke was at the funeral if he hates Taichi and was kicked out of the Chosen. (that made me sad, I love him as much as Taichi) Or maybe he's a double agent or a traitor.
I look forward to seeing how this story turns out, especially as they Chosen seem to be on the verge of a civil war although I'm not quite sure as to why (I'll reread). Good luck and gambatte!