|Reviews for Unexpected Aid|
| Raven Hufflepuff chapter 2 . 7/24/2008
I like this one.
| saltandpepper15 chapter 2 . 6/12/2008
I've seen many fanfiction stories were the author has had the same idea as you. That is inserting your charecter into the main story flow, rewriting the story to include your charecter. The problem is I think that that is a very hard thing to pull of this it was like reading a favorite book were some sentences are erased and replaced with others that don't make that much just, a good story will have thier charecters well developed, the development being done by the events that a new charecter in...well it messes up the flow of the story. .To qoute the webcomic he is "the peice that doesn't fit".Especially if you know the orginal story pretty well. What I am trying to say is that your story just doesn't owrk too well for me. Your charecter comes off as being rather flat. While I know that it has only been one chapter, he just isn't that well also twist other charecters with him there. He beats Elliot easily. And more annoyingly he manages to get Elliot SCARED. We are talking about the same charecter right? From what I have seen in El Goonish Shive, Elliot NEVER got intimidated by someone. He got in fights with bullies. He fought the Goo the first time without hesitation. He was defiant and not scared of Hedge. He wasn't even fazed by his kidnapping. He wasn't scared at all by Damien and subtly mocked him even though he could have been incinerated by said person. Another example of charecter warping is him being friends with Susan. Susan wasn't very fond of guys. It took her alot to get over such hate. And then of course your charecter can atomatically be friends with her. Not to mention she would have been hateful of all other guys except for him.
And heres what I really didn't like: the ending. Your charecter destroys the part reveiled alot about then theres Ellen saying: "Your the reason I lost everything! Your the reason I exist!". That was a pretty emotional and powerful statment in the story. To have your charecter comment right after that in a pathatic attempt at being funny, made her previous comment seem diminished. That was Ellen's shining moment, her big moment of glory and you did away with it.
Wow, I have writen a long review. The point I want to make is that your charecter is flat and a bit of a Mary Sue (or the guy form of it). He makes the charecters act out of charecter. He takes the glory of other charecters. The story doesn't seem that good to me. If you are going to continue such one- shots please make them more developed and less overpowering. Sorry if this review is a bit insulting but it is how I feel about this fanfic.