|Reviews for Eyes of the Unloved|
| Splasher chapter 1 . 6/18/2008
This fan-fiction's summary was very good, so I decided to read the first chapter. :) I like it very much, so I'll definitely review the second chapter, too! Keep updating!
Before I go on, please understand that I'm only trying to help you improve, and my review is only this long because I review the way I want to be reviewed (just like you treat people the same way you want to be treated yourself), so yep! All of these are simply suggestions, and if you disagree with me completely, that's fine. It's your story, and I have no right to force you to change anything. So now on to some advice...
Good job at keeping a good mix between description and dialog. Many fan-fictions have long blocks of dialog, and I feel as though I can only see two characters talking. But you did very well at keeping the balance between the two! Good job!
Sasuke is VERY out-of-character. So much so that Yasha is dangerously on the edge of becoming a Mary Sue (if she has not already become one). It's hard for a lot of people to admit it in their writing, but Sasuke is a cold, arrogant jerk who cares only about killing his brother (and if you come up with an excuse for that, then he should "appear" to care only about himself). It's believable that Sasuke would save someone from being hurt (as he did when he told Itachi to leave Yasha alone), BUT he probably wouldn't stick around to talk unless there were very specific reasons. And he wouldn't joke around about Yasha's personality like you made him do.
I know that the above advice can sound a little hard to follow. I mean, how do you get an original character to interact with someone such as Sasuke? But actually, that's the key in writing a SasukexOC romance! Sasuke makes conflict easy! And conflict between the hero and heroine is very necessary. So using Sasuke's character may make the romance, let alone friendship, far off in the distance, but the story will be much, MUCH better!
More on Sasuke's character-remember at the 3rd episode where Sakura was criticizing Naruto for being "alone." That's a very touchy subject for Sasuke, and in this fan-fiction, his reaction, to Yasha saying how he has no idea what it's like to be alone, was very small... Just add a little more there, and you're one step closer to getting Sasuke's character right!
In the following sentence, you're telling, instead of showing what's happening:
I follow my brother out of the Academy, both of us proudly wearing our new forehead protectors. Mom and Hana greet Kiba and congratulate him but they don't even seem to notice that I'm standing next to him, it's like I'm not even there.
:Try adding more description of what people look like. For example, instead of saying "don't even seem to notice that I'm standing next to him," you could say instead, "Mom and Hana's eyes only stare at Kiba and they only congratulate him, even as I stand next to him." The reader is smart enough to infer the emotions that the implications give him or her. :)
Also Yasha's parents must have a VERY good reason to ignore her like that. Seeing as how it's the Inuzuka clan, I can understand how their family is a bit cold-hearted. But their cold-hearted against ALL their children, and not just one in particular. Maybe Yasha is a rule-breaker, and her parents punish her by ignoring the problem. Choose an easy reason, but be sure it makes sense!
So basically, in short, keep Sasuke in-character, make sure in the future that there's a good reason for Yasha's parents to act like that (I see you made Kiba tell her that they had no idea she felt like that, so that will probably work), SHOW emotions instead of TELLing them, and good job on your description!
I hope I helped a little. :)
P.S. Please excuse any spelling or grammatical errors on my review. It's really early where I live, and I'm definitely not a morning-person. Thanks!