|Reviews for The World|
| sagewolf chapter 1 . 8/30/2008
"Soft as a summer breeze and as gentle as moonlight on the grass"? HECTOR thought that? About ELIWOOD? No way: I can't believe that at all. Also, towards the end, Lyn's movement is described as 'fluid and strangely graceful', which does sound like something Hector would think, but we couldn't know, since that part was from Lyn's POV. Also (I'm willing to let this slide, actually), not many people would think of themselves as 'tall, loud and argumentative.' Then again, Hector might actually be one of them. (Long story, short verion: you slip out of viewpoint/character. Overall your characterization is quite believable, but the examples above either made me go 'what?' or stopped me dead in my tracks.)
Otherwise this is quite good. The dialogue feels natural and the story flows well. Nice one. (Last thing: it's a conscience, not a conscious.)
| FireEdge chapter 1 . 7/9/2008
I haven't read a fic about the three lords for a long time now. It's pretty fun to read about their friendship. Especially Lyn and Hector's, since it's so rocky. I've never written Hector before, so I can't really give you an opinion on that. However, he was amusing to read. The whole stalking Florina's sister (Farina, I guess? I can't remember their supports) made me laugh. It took him so long to realize it. Anyway, interesting fic, and definitely different from the usual.
| Raskol chapter 1 . 6/27/2008
Your Hector is amazing. I mean, too many people write him as a bit of a "brute" (from what I've seen so far, though admittedly I haven't read around that much), and it's tremendously nice to see him actually contemplating and thinking . He's intelligent and thoughtful, which reflects his background; sure, he's been said to sound like a commoner and all that, but he's a lord. I'm sure he's not utterly stupid.
So, yes. Great portrayal of Hector. Good job with the voice, in particular!
[Eliwood opened his mouth as if he wanted to speak, as if he had something really intelligent to say...] - This, in particular, is absolutely priceless. XD
However when you first introduced Eliwood, I had to raise an eyebrow at this sentence: [A voice interrupted his thoughts, as soft as a summer breeze and as gentle as moonlight on the grass.] - I'll admit, Hector isn't just a brute, but ... that poetic? That's stretching it a bit, in my opinion. But, y'know, it could be possible ... just not likely, I think.
Still, loved Eliwood's characterization and his interaction with Hector!
Lyn: Great touch with the accent. Love that. Of course, characterization. Heh. Great.
Now, for the criticism:
Adverbs are everywhere in your writing. Not entirely bad, but they can break the flow of a piece if used excessively. Furthermore, they usually provide absolutely no information about an action. For instance: [Hector chuckled slightly and shifted his weight to his other leg, cocking his head to the side slightly.] - Not only is "slightly" the most useless adverb ever (doesn't even tell you to what degree an action is performed), you use it twice here.
Another example that better illustrates my point: [She set her chin stubbornly and narrowed her eyes.] - I know from your writing that she is setting her chin stubbornly. Why else would she be setting her chin, in this context? That adverb is worthless, cluttering up your sentence; it's redundant. So, get rid of it.
I, personally, am not too fond of the entire "redheaded" designation you used for Eliwood. For one, this is written from (mostly) Hector's viewpoint, meaning that we're seeing the world through his eyes. Now, why in the world would he think of Eliwood as "the redheaded man"? Now, it may just be me, but I honestly don't recognize my friends by their hair colors. When I see someone I know walking down the street, I don't think: "Oh, it's that guy with the, y'know, black hair!"
Same thing to say about "the future Lord of Pherae" and "fellow nobleman". Use them occasionally (as in, uncommon usage), but don't use them too often. And then, later on: "blue-haired man".
Also: [The broad-shouldered man shrugged and shook his head.] - In Hector's POV...Er...Wow, usually people don't think of themselves as "broad-shouldered [men]"...
And the Lyn/Lyndis switch you seem to do a bit...He thinks of her as Lyn. Let him keep with that particular designation; don't suddenly switch her name to Lyndis in Hector's POV, especially if he...thinks of her as Lyn.
Okay, I'll shut up about this, but you get the point, I hope?...
You should use "said" more often as a dialogue tag. There's an entire thing I can get into about this, but I won't go into it here. If you want to know more, you can PM me. :)
POV changes: Ah! Okay, you quickly, way-too-rapidly, switch POVs from Hector to Lyn with this sentence: [Her head snapped up at the sound of the blue-haired man’s loud voice, but she did not reply.] And then you switch back: [he could admit to himself that he only wanted ...] This is a problem. First of all, breaks the flow, and second of all, you just jump. No eye contact, no way to tell you might be switching - just a jagged jump.
If you want to switch POVs, I prefer a scene break. However, if you must switch during a scene, make sure it follows along smoothly and naturally.
Andd, I think that's it, though I may have missed something with me being insanely tired. (Apologies for typos/incomplete insentences [which are likely to exist], etc.).
Still, overall, great job! Loved the character interaction! :)
PS: Sorry for being so late with this. .
| Talren chapter 1 . 6/24/2008
Ah, the arguments that quickly turn into insult bouts between the two more hotheaded lords. They never cease to amuse me.
Hmm...so you're not used to writing Hector? Well, that was very good portrayal of Hector. Hector WOULD be the kind to initiate an argument to break someone out of a melancholy mood.
["Though, if there’s one thing I know I cannot do, it’s keep you out of trouble.”
Yep. Sounds like Hector all right.
I do like how Hector just bulldozers through without much regard for what anyone else has to say. And how poor Eliwood just can't get his say in the argument. You pinned downed the interactions among the characters quite nicely.
Only a minor complaint:
[It had been approximately two days since Lyn’s encounter with Hector and Eliwood, and she was still angry about what the insensitive one of them had said to her.]
The sentence seams to drag a bit, probably because of the wording choice. The "It had been approximately two days since Lyn's encounter..." makes it sound like a omniscient, outside narrator rather than Lyn mulling over how she feels. Maybe swap "Lyn's" for "her" and "she" for "Lyn"?
Ah, you just HAD to smuggle Kent in didn't you?
| crazygunbladergirl chapter 1 . 6/18/2008
i think you did hector's, if not everyone's, personality really well!
i never thought of lyn having an accent, but i guess it makes sense...
| HellfireSupremacy chapter 1 . 6/17/2008
Best FE7 fic I've seen in along time. Hector is my favorite character in the series, and your writing does him justice.
| Xirysa chapter 1 . 6/17/2008
Ops. Something went wrong with my last review.
What I meant to sat was this...
/any woman of the female persuasion/
| sadal suud chapter 1 . 6/16/2008
Yay, Hector! I actually liked how you wrote him, though I don't think I've seen him written this way before. Purposely trying to start something with Lyn, even though he realizes (deep down somewhere) that she shouldn't be bothered? Insensitive Hector through and through. Good job.
But at the same time I suppose that, in his own way, fighting with Lyn is Hector's way to keep her from brooding. At least she's directing her energies somewhere else.
Haha, I liked Lyn's little dig at Hector about Florina. Yeah, you big oaf! Maybe if you paid a little more attention...! And the growth on his shoulders... Amazing. You should write Hector and Lyn aruging more. Haha...
And I laughed at Kent's small little part as Lyn's bodyguard.
Another good fic. Do I even have to say that I liked it? XD Hector's my man. You write about him, you win.
| Xirysa chapter 1 . 6/16/2008
Hello again! Hm... I actually thought that you portrayed Hector pretty well right here. :D "Damn straight!" And Eliwood's reaction(s) made me giggle. Really, they did. Let's see now...
That was the only bit that seemed a bit off to me; really, it was just an issue of redundancy.
And... Had to squeeze Kent in there, eh? [cackles] Liked it though.
As for Lyn's accent... It would be interesting to see how it would be portrayed through writing. I've got my own idea how it might sound, but maybe it's because I'm Indian; somehow, I've always equated Sacae with that region of the world...
Well... There's the end of my ramble. I hope to read more from you in the future!
| Sardonic Kender Smile chapter 1 . 6/16/2008
Must review. Must review. Because this one was so awesome.
First off, I really liked all that nonsense about Lyn's accent. Culture studies are pretty much the best thing ever, and it takes real thought to decide that Sacae and Lycia are different countries, have different cultures, and therefore will probably have different languages. So incorporating a real-life view into that only makes the story so much better.
The tone of this whole fic was SO amazing! Of course it had some angst and whatnot, but a lot of it was really funny. Especially Eliwood, with the way he was portrayed...there were so many funny lines...him getting embarrassed about Ninian, him grumbling about how he'll let Lyn kill Hector, him opening his mouth "as if he had something really intelligent to say"...oh, and the line "Full of what?" I could just SEE Hector opening his mouth to tell him EXACTLY what and having Lyn cut him off xD.
I also liked the part when Hector was trying to guess what Lyn was thinking about...and she was like "Some things never end!" and I was thinking "Oh NO, don't say LOVE!" and then Hector totally bashed the love thing xD. Go, Hector!
I had one problem with this, and that was how it seemed like Hector went out SEEKING to bother Lyn. I know he's always arguing and loves him his action, but Hector never struck me as the type to go LOOKING for trouble...he just says what he feels like sayin' and trouble ends up finding him :-P.
Great job on making both him AND Lyn really human, though. Their fiery tempers were faults. Man, it's refreshing to have characters with relatable faults. Uber-props to you!
| A very odd fellow chapter 1 . 6/16/2008
I think I may have to try my hand at this interaction, as I'm a personal practitioner of "saying stuff purely to get a reaction" conversation tactics. Not to mention the stalking comment brought back memories (court ruled in my favor, so I'm still safe). Unfortunately, that statement is only half-tongue-in-cheek...but that's a story for another time. Enjoy your first review from me for a fic not directly involving Sain.