|Reviews for Traitor|
| Iggyfing chapter 4 . 1/21/2009
I'm intrigued. You must write more!
| elecktrum chapter 3 . 7/10/2008
I'm glad you're not going to abandon this story. It's had too good a start and it's too original to let it fall by the wayside. It doesn't matter how long it takes you to update or the length of the chapters. Writer's block and lapses in creativity happen to all of us. I'm living proof of that.
I'm as curious as Caspian (though perhaps not as anxious) to know more about this situation. A brother, another army, the possibility of dark magic at work - it adds up to a lot of grief for the new king of Narnia but a damn good story for us readers. I like that you're utilizing the Minotaurs - I suspect they're an ally that Caspian would want to keep close, busy, and happy. It was very in character for Reepicheep to linger until he had word of Caspian's condition, and the mice were a good choice to check the tower - their size will be to their advantage in this case.
I'm looking forward to what happens next!
| Mercury Gray chapter 2 . 6/22/2008
Oh, you slay me! No resolution on the identity of your intruder. That hurts - and makes me want to come back for the next chapter. Although if they keep being this short, I might stop coming all together... don't worry, I'm joking with you.
Masterful use of suspense aside, there's a lot of purely technical errors in this chapter, the first and biggest of which is your speech. Normally it's good policy to enter down and leave a space when another character is talking.
"Like this?" asked the author.
"Exactly like this," explained Mercury.
This makes dialogue a lot easier to follow, especially if you have characters who aren't speaking acting in between speeches. It also, by proxy, makes your chapters longer. :D
Reepicheep's name is spelled thusly. The other thing I might tell you to add is some description of how this man says "Isn’t the firstborn always the heir to the throne?" That's a really sinister line, and it implies a lot of good stuff, but if your readers don't notice it, or your characters don't notice it, then it gets shuffled under the rug and forgotten.
So I still want to find out what happens, and I'd LOVE to see this chapter after you've cleaned it up a bit! There were a few things in here I was fumbling to understand, and I want so much to understand them! Waiting for your update!
| elecktrum chapter 2 . 6/22/2008
Oh, I like it! This was quite a shock. An older brother? I can't wait to get the story behind this development.
| lacey chapter 1 . 6/21/2008
more more more MORE!
| Mercury Gray chapter 1 . 6/21/2008
Oh, who is it? We want to know! Allright, well, cliffhanger aside, this first chapter was really well written; it takes a good hand to write suspense like this well. I'm looking forward to the next chapter!
| elecktrum chapter 1 . 6/21/2008
A very interesting and intriguing beginning. It's refreshing to read a Caspain story that doesn't incorporate the monarchs of the Golden Age. Keep it coming!