|Reviews for A Kiss Isn't Just A Kiss|
| Mary Ann Bittle chapter 14 . 5/22
I keep hoping to finally end up where she was so angry/scared/hurt/upset she chose to run off in a strange city on a strange planet. Oh, well.
'Of course[,] it wasn't as good as the one on the Tardis[,] but at least
'...shower was rose [scented] (not flavoured),'
'The diary was still there[,] but his clothes had ...'
'No, not even someone (omit: as) fixated on all things ["]him["] - as Rose was - would sneak into the bathroom while he was showering[,] and steal his clothes.'
'He looked at the diary[,] and gulped. If she had come [in] (not inn) here, then she would have [seen] (not saw) that.
'What if she had taken his clothes and was planning to build a shrine of him?' Is this really necessary? It sounds absurd.
'... I'm being attacked by a crazy woman[,] then he wasn't sure ...'
'He wasn't sure if it was the room to his right, or his left, but it was one or the other.'
'...a blush that had [crept] (not creped) up ...'
'He nodded, trying to keep his gaze on her face. Something [that] - even with his only [platonic] (not plutonic) feelings - was a difficult ...'
'She stepped forward and innocently [asked], "Yeah, I was. Is it any good?"
'He [discreetly] (not descretly) sniffed, but found he...'
'She grinned, "No[,] we wouldn't[,] now."
"I mean[,] I might as well (move be) just [be] naked."
"I suppose [you're] (not your) right."
'...book closer [to] (not ot) his back;
'... if that happened (not ahppeneed)[,] then he wouldn't be able to read it. And[,] what if he lost it? Then [it] (not that) wouldn't do him any good.'
"Oh[,] come on, you can tell me."
'Her face [lit] (not lighted) up.'
"... anything before[,] but you stink. And[,] I mean[,] stink. Really stink. "
[Her] (not She) mouth opened in shock. He gulped again, "Well, not stink[,] exactly. Sweat is perfectly natural. Actually[,] sweat is good. Sweat occurs all the time. You sweat when you run[,] and we run a lot. You sweat during any physical exertion[,] actually…uh, when you jump or hop. Remember hopping[?]"
His eyes widened, realising he had just mentioned a word he had not [planned] (not expected) to mention...' (the word I chose seems to fit better)
"Not that we ever would[,] [since] (omit: seeing as) we're friends. (omit -)
"Very warm in fact[;](not,) it is warm isn't it?"
'It was (omit: a) seemingly impossible not to.'
'No, wait[,] he said that to Rose...no, well, it wasn't his own [voice] (not body), but...'
'Oh, this was probably her fault. She had probably messed with Rose's head[,] after being stuck in there for so long[,] and then when she transferred over[,] [she] (not shyer, whatever that is) was susceptible to whatever he was saying...well, what she was saying. Well, what he was saying[,] because she was saying [it,] because she was in his body...'
"Oh[,] I bet you [I] did."
"...enter a room[. not ?] You did it [in not on] the Tardis[,] as well[,] and when..."
'...away from him to ask, "Ok[,] then, so[,] when..." (that many filler words generally means someone is stalling, so a comma between them is necessary, to show the hesitation.)
| Mary Ann Bittle chapter 13 . 5/22
David Tennant's Doctor in the shower...
Oh, ahem. Excuse me. I got derailed, there. I may be married, but I'm not dead.
Anyway, there were still several things that any good proofreader should have caught:
'... the hotel[,] it had almost...' (same paragraph here) '...in less than two hours[,] and the guests...' (same, still) '...ever so slightly[,] because of the small ...' (and still same) '... there [weren't] (not wasn't) any rooms left.'
"Doctor[,] I can [see] your toes through them. You really should start wearing socks[,] sometimes."
"... bought a pair [of] medi-shoes[,] because the heels..."
"...had to carry you to a shoe store[,] whilst holding a large..."
'...got her to the shoes[tore] that sold medi-shoes.'
'...heroic things[,] like carrying girl[s] who were...'
"...bought them[,] thinking they were the pheromone shoes[,] and he had to beat [them] (not it) with a stick to stop [them] (not it) from..."
"I'm Abby[,] and if you have any problems[,] you can ..."
He looked down and then towards the teleport and shook his head
"... 'Oh[,] look at that rain. I[t] looks right.'..."
'The door opened[,] and they both stood there in shock as they took in the room, "Oh[,] my ...*" Also, God, not god.
'...simple room[,] and that was...'
"...going to start soon[,] anyway."
'...into the bedroom, "Oh[,] my [G]od..."
'No[,] that was definitely not good.'
'Quite the opposite[,] in fact[,] was his aim.'
'... no[,] this was definitely very bad.'
"... bags down here[,] and I'll be..."
'...quickly ran out the room[,] and...'
'... he would be in love with Rose[,] and that ...'
'... sure[,] she did wonder why he licked the walls sometimes[,] but she didn't question it. She accepted him as who [he] (not eh) used to be[,] and who he was now[,] and he had done the same[,] but that didn't mean he ...'
'...love with her[,] but as a...'
'...definitely (omit: into things) analysing [things] too much.'
'No[,] she was his best friend[,] and he liked her as that. There was noting else [to] (not too) it.'
'No[,] it just wouldn't do.'
'Not like Doctor hot[,] but[,] my [G]od[,] did he have some muscles on him! Oh[,] who knew 33rd...'
'Maybe he should write that on a sign[,] and hold it...'
'Still[,] it didn't give any guy...'
'She'd probably blame him[,] and he'd get slapped[,] and it would...'
'You know[,] I wonder how the Doctor...'
'I mean[,] the Doctor's great and all[,] but he's a bit scrawny[,] and this guy – Ryan was his name – well, he was ...'
'The Doctor looked down.(not /)'
'Rose wouldn't know [if] he was muscled or not. She hadn't seen him without his shirt[,] but he was a bit muscled.
He wasn't scrawny though.(omit -) Never scrawny. You don't run as fast as he could [by] being scrawny.
| Mary Ann Bittle chapter 12 . 5/22
Another chapter before we find our why she was hiding in an alley, crying like the victim of an assault? Sheesh!
Anyway, here's the edits a proofreader should have caught:
'...accompanied by himself[,] and she was ...'
'Really[,] really the opposite[,] in fact[,] because anything Rose wore ...'
'...not [a not an] juicy red apple[,] because then[,] of course[,] a juicy red apple could (down the line) be associated with temptation - the forbidden fruit[,] as it were...'
'...just a colour[,] and colours didn't ...'
'...just a colour[,] and colours didn't...'
'...he knew he would stay[,] because of ...'
'... wouldn't have even dreamed, imagined[,] or contemplated ever being [on] a planet other than Earth[,] travelling with someone other than [a] human[,] and [buy] (not by) a dress ...'
'...had never imagine[d] (not s) wearing a dress like it before, but you only live once[,] and it was ...'
'...the[y] ever seemed to have a recurring trend of visiting was Earth[,] and most of those trips[,] the Doctor would prefer to hide in the Tardis[,] rather than...'
'She knew if her mother [were to ever see] (omit: had ever saw) her in this...well, it would be fair to say that the Doctor... '
*probably wouldn't be the only one afraid of her mother's every action.* I don't think this needs said, or if it does, it shouldn't be so dramatic. Perhaps instead say, ' the Doctor might not be the only one afraid of a potential Tyler Slap.'
'He'd complain[,] and tell her to wear something else. Either that[,] or he'd be even more frightened if he ever got [a]round to reading any [space] more of the diary.'
'...because he obviously hadn't[,] by the looks of things.'
'She took in her image once again[,] as her thoughts lingered on the Doctor.'
'He tilted his head[,] and [*]moaned in annoyance, "Rose[,] hurry up!"
* I would suggest 'cried,' not moaned, or just 'spoke up.' You seem to use the word moan a lot, and there are so many other words the language has to offer.
'The curtain was pulled back[,] and Rose smiled...'
'...get you some clothes[,] too. So[,] let's buy this stuff[,] so we can get you ...'
"...party as you say it is[,] then ..."
'He (omit: let out a) [groaned] (not moan) and (omit:with the) [petulantly, not petulance] (omit: of a small child he) demanded, "But[,] why can't I wear this suit?" He paused, [frowning, not pouting], "I like this suit. I want to wear my suit. In case you haven't noticed[,] it's a very nice suit. Which makes the first part of that paragraph smoother, thusly: 'He groaned, and petulantly demanded, "But, why can't I wear this suit?" He paused, frowning, "I like this suit."
"I love your suit, but not when there is a giant marmalade stain on it." she pointed out, "And the chocolate ice cream isn't very helpful either when going in formal wear."
"I don't see any stain[,"] he pointed out. (omit:")
'She stopped abruptly[,] and he almost toppled by the sudden stop. Before he could exclaim[,] she had turned ...'
'She bit (omit: on) her (omit:bottom) lip, (omit: trying) to suppress the laugh[ter] (omit: that) threaten[ing] (omit: ed) to [bubble out](not teeter). Thus: 'She bit her lip, to suppress the laughter threatening to bubble out.'
'... to make him feel uncomfortable[,] without it being obvious...'
"You have a really long one[,] about here., (Is this anywhere near where he is carrying these brand new clothes? That would be bad. So...)
" she indicated a stripe along the underside of his sleeve, thankfully away from the new clothes.'
[(I would make a new paragraph with:)] 'She grinned[,] and brought up her hands...'
'In fact[,] it was on the open ...'
That's definitely [dried] chocolate sauce, don't you think?" Added because, again, he's carrying brand new clothes.
'...in a voice that was * surprisingly higher pitch* than usual,' This either needs an 'a' at the first asterisk, or the word pitch should be pitched, instead.
'...coughed[,] and repeated, "Is it? I hadn't noticed.(not?)"
'Even (omit: when) after seeing the price (omit: of the amount of) [for the] clothes Rose had bought, he had not reacted...'
"Ok," she smiled, "Let's get you a suit."
[Need a type of divider here, whether * * * * or ~ ~ ~ ~ or something similar, to let the reader know this was going to be a change in place and time]
He pulled back the curtain, seeing Rose waiting in a nearby chair[,] reading ...'
'...he wasn't sure what he would [do] (not so).'
'Sure[,] the first one...' (and same paragraph) '...third [time's] (not times) lucky."
'... interesting article on ["H]ow [T]o [T]ell [I]f [H]e's a Plic."* She had absolutely no idea what a ["]Plic["] was, but it was time[-]consuming enough to try [to] (not and) guess.' The * was because this is a Title of an article, so deserves capitalisation.
"We can leave now[,] right?"
'...his shoulder[,] and coughed back a laugh, "You have to go get changed first[,] so we ..."
'... on his heel[,] and headed back inside the changing room[,] leaving a bemused Rose to return to her investigation of [what] a ["]Plic["] was.'
| Mary Ann Bittle chapter 11 . 5/22
Well, for one, you backed up SO far, you didn't meet back up with the horrible thing that had her running away, so that was disappointing. Perhaps next time, pick a better time to jump forward and then back up where you can get back to the "present" in the story before the end of the chapter.
You are doing well, especially considering the language barriers, but still, you badly needed a proofreader.
Anyway, here are the things a good proofreader should have caught:
'...tears well up (omit: from her behind) [in] her eyes,' (simple and concise is always better)
'... but for now[,] she just ...'
"... the past few hours [fully, not finally] caught up with her. She felt drained, disregarded and dejected.(omit: as well as any other word beginning with 'd' that could sum up what she was feeling.) None of this is the least bit helpful to the story; it's more like the writer is showing off (whether you meant it that way or not).
'... away from home[,] and she was miserable.'
'.. at least respect her[,] but after]
'... let [her] be on her own... better yet, ' ... leave her on her own...'
'...her life had [gone, not went] from
'Why [had] everything spun...'
'... anyone saw her[,] she let out a (omit: sob; a) heartrending[,] painful sob[,] and sank...'
'... large, orange[,] and had a ...'
'... sludge it was covered [in].'
'... bad enough[,] the purple spots that
'... Doctor assured her wasn't [accurate] OR [true] OR [the case])[. But] what...'
'... made her stick this in the [']worst food item [she'd] ever seen['] list was ...] See, you need something to indicate this isn't the normal flow of the story, but an 'aside,' something separate from the flow of events. Using the ' will do so nicely, I think.
'A [stench, not smell*] which was... ' Try never to repeat a word, especially one which has so many good variants. You could use 'an odor,' or 'a stink,' or 'a fetor,' etc., or even a 'fetid odor,' for that matter.
'... the Doctor [brought, not bright] it as close as ... ' (minor typo, here)
"Come on[,] Rose!" He [whined, not wined]...' OR better yet, cajoled, protested, murmured, grumbled, blustered, disagreed, lamented, griped, objected, bemoaned, reproached, demurred, looked askance at, or SO many other words. Whining just isn't something I think the Doctor would ever do - ever. Pick a different word!
"If it's not that bad[,] then you take a bite out of it!" She responded hoping (omit comma) [- ] no[,] praying [-] that he would get it away from her.
'The Doctor shrugged, "Ok[,] then[,] I will!"
'(which[,] in reality[,] it was),'
'(which[,] in fact[,] they did* (omit: have a lot in common in fact)) All that's needed is the first 5 words in parentheses. Two are repeated, and the rest are inherent in the remaining words.
'... than she thought[,] they did so it would show...
'...never eaten before[,] or stuff he knew tasted horrible. He coughed[,] feeling a hair...'
'...and[,] with a grin[,] said,'
'... tea here[,] but it wouldn't get ...'
'... smiled[,] remembering the fact ...'
'... and dog[s] with no...'
'He really should (omit: get him and) [take] Rose to visit ...'
'... made me point (out, not off) I didn't...' (I haven't left notes about any small errors in the section from the diary reading, as it's possible a person would write like that)
'...the diary[,] and was horrified ...'
'...black tux[,] and she would ...'
"Normally[,] two of those..."
'...he returned[,] and he gave a ...'
'Fortunately for him[,] it took ...'
"Hey[,] are you okay?"
'...while he had been away[,] and instantly regretted it[,] so (omit:now) she just decided...'
'...a horse[,] and Rose suspected that maybe some part of this array of disgusting food (omit: there) might actually [contain] (omit: be) a horse.(omit: amongst it)...'
'...swallowed[,] and took a sip...'
"Eat up[,] Rose..."
'...had already tasted[,] and knew for a fact was horrible[,] and landed...'
'Sure[,] she had seen ...'
'... best left un-licked[,] and stick his fingers into jars. Marmalade[,] especially. He liked to [stick, not stuck] his finger [into a jar] and eat marmalade if ...'
'...be such a slob[,] and this was...'
'...mouth full (unsuccessfully)[,] as well...'
'... party in ages[,] and the last time they
'... unexpectedly[,] and she had passed out
'...Doctor holding her hand[,] and blood dripping ...'
'... a hug[,] and wouldn't let go for ...'
"...been ages[,] and Lord Dracula wasn't ..."
"I mean[,] I can understand being a vampire[,] but once you try [to] bite a [Time lord, OR Timelord], and his assistant[,] then[,] that's just not right."
"...not an assistant[,] you're a..."
"Oh[,] what a good friend you are[,] indeed.
"...best friends, can you[,] Rose?"
'... rather loud way."Oh[,] what good friends we are[! not ?] Have I ever told you you're my bestest friend[? not .]"
"... more [ - ] or less than [ - ] friends."
"...not my assistant[,] but a very good friend."
"And before that[,] too."
"...going to be there[,] so I thought we could rent a room[,] and..."
"Yeah, a hotel room[,] and we could head..."
"But[,] we don't have any clothes[,](not.)" she protested.
'...patted his arm gently[,] and nodded. She would almost have felt sympathetic[,] had he not ate like a slob at dinner. She had suffered through bad food[,] so he was going to ...'
| Mary Ann Bittle chapter 10 . 5/17
I seriously doubt the Doctor would give her anything dangerous. As well, I just can't picture the translation ability being so faulty that she can't tell what he was saying. I dislike that part a LOT. However, I'm attempting to go with the flow.
But, I still must add the edits that should have been done, and where I suggest fairly significant changes, I attempt to explain clearly why they arw needed . I know this is an old story, but perhaps the suggestions i make will gelp someone, whether or not it's you, to improve.
'Rose had to say it, (omit: but) the psychic paper had to [be] one of the best...' OR: 'Rose [hated] to say it, but the...' would work, as well.
'... diary got you[,] then she would do things like this more often. She smiled at the Doctor[,] who was looking over...'
'... right (omit: about that fact), at least she was pretty sure he was up to something[,] but like everything else when it...' No need for the omitted words. When words can be removed and the story (or sentence, or poem, or anything else) remains the same, then get rid of them. This isn't a 1000 word essay, where you try to say things the longest way possible. Clarity and conciseness are paramount in writing something others will be reading.
'...an enigma wrapped in a puzzle placed in a locked room and hidden far away in a uninhabited area that no one ever expected to come across, but accidentally finds it only when lost or driven completely and utterly insane that they don't realise that the Doctor would make them look saner than any living being on Earth. Actually make that the universe, ...' Oh, dear, that's a mess. It should me more like this:
'... an enigma, wrapped in a puzzle, then placed in a locked room, hidden in a uninhabited area far, far away. It would only be by accident that one would find that puzzle, and then... well, then they would discover the Doctor could make nearly anyone look sane by comparison. Or perhaps, the Doctor could drive a person mad, simply by virtue of his existence.' See, if you are wanting to go metaphysical, you need to do so very carefully. As well, there are plenty of human beings far more insane than anything the Doctor would do. Hitler comes to mind, as do serial killers like Jeffrey Dahmer, or Luis Garavito, or Fritz Haarmann, or Mohan Kumar (I tried to choose some from several different geographical areas), or many others - had to look up spellings of their names, as I'm generally not a fan of serial killers). I added the last as a simple mirror image of the previous line. After all, the Doctor, if true, would be quite an insane concept, LOL!
"... gestures[,] and holding out...'
'... had not been reading[,] and found herself faced with a [list, not load] of names of food products [she couldn't decipher;] she had absolutely...'
'... at the Doctor[,] who was studying her with a bemused look on his face. He was [SO] up to something. She groaned as she studied the menu once again, "Ok[,] I don't have a clue what any of this is." Capitalising SO puts an extra emphasis on it, and on her suspicions. But, WHY is the TARDIS translation circuit not translating any of the words she was seeing? It translated everything but Gallifreyan, even written words. Why not the words on the menu? Unless she wasn't understanding what the words actually meant, even after translation... That is the only way this could be accurate.
SO... I would suggest an addition: 'Sure, the TARDIS had translated the words for her, into something at least resembling English, but still...' (and then continue with the rest of your own paragraph). That would go a LONG way to an explanation of why she couldn't decipher it.
'...a chuckle[,] and she couldn't...'
'... blush [crept not creeped] up her neck[,] and she could (omit: n't help but) [only] pray that he wouldn't notice.
'She hadn't bother[ed] mentioning the menu...' And, later in the paragraph: 'No[,] she had been too preoccupied[,] staring at him (omit: through lidded eyes,) surreptitiously over the menu...' This draws the picture of the event more clearly.
'... have a clue (omit: on) how to figure out which of these words were edible foods[,] and which one[s] meant the word breakfast[,] or specials[,] or something else entirely. I have a big problem with this, due to the TARDIS' translation ability. She would KNOW which word meant breakfast, and which meant specials. SO, that portion would be much better like this: '...have a clue how to figure out which of these words were edible foods, and which ones were meant for creatures with different digestion abilities, or which ones were poisonous to her, or... She looked at the Doctor. She hated asking for help, but there was nothing for it. She WAS hungry.'
'... eyes lit up and she suddenly had an ominous* feeling overwhelm her (omit: sense). Ominous? Over a dinner choice? With a person she KNEW would never deliberately hurt her? NO. Use another word, like fleeting (if you want the feeling to be there and gone quickly) or wary, or leery, or quizzical, or palpable, etc... note, though, that each of those selections would all need the word directly before it to be a, not an.
'...for her to hear[,] whatever it may be.'
"...about to suggest[,] no!"
"But[,] Rose…" He now was a perfect imitation of a[n] (omit: small whining) eager little child[,] with the puppy dog expression to boot[,] but she wasn't...'
'...slightly[,] and she felt ...'
'... (omit: stupid) soulful eyes of his[,] with that (omit: stupid) sweet and silly expression on his face[,] and she...' She would not think of this erratic genius that is the Doctor as "stupid," nor should the reader be subjected to the writer putting down the hero of the story, even if it is by the heroine of the story. This story keeps suffering from you inserting such negativity into it, when it is by no means needed.
'...weak[-]willed. If this weren't the Doctor[,] she would be so ashamed [of, not with] herself for giving in so easily[;]* but this was the Doctor[,] and when he...' *here, you could also do this, instead: [. But]
adorable pout[,] and the
"Oh[,] come on[,] Rose,"
'on top of hers[,] and she found herself forced to look up into his eyes when he brought his other hand to rest under her chin[,] drawing her gaze to focus entirely [on him],'
can't be good and there isn't
"[Fine,] but if you even dare make me eat something alive[,] or moving at all[,] then you..."
'He mock cowered[,] and brought his hands up in front of his face (omit: to pretend) as if he was defending himself. Poorly, she would add[,] but not aloud.'
"No, no[,] don't mention..."
"Hey at least she didn't give you the Tyler kiss."
"Well[,] that would be a shame…" She teased, "I wonder if [you] would have the same..." OR "I wonder if I would [produce] the same..."
'...gaze away from Rose[,] he raised a hand[,] motioning him over.'
'...Doctor nodded[,] and began to ramble off a string of words and phrases that Rose could barely make out in his [rapid] (omit: tone of) pace.' OR rapid-fire, or brisk, or intense, or mercurial, or any number of similar words, instead of rapid or rapid-fire.
'...was agape[,] and she couldn't...'
'...walked away[,] and the Doctor turned...'
~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~
Yes, that's a lot, but that's truly what was needed on this chapter. Good work, though, for what appears to be an un-proofread manuscript.
| Mary Ann Bittle chapter 9 . 5/16
I am uncomfortable with you writing a Doctor that is uncaring of a companion's pain - worse yet, deliberately letting it happen. That isn't our Doctor. If he is aware of a companion's pain, he WILL intervene to help. More often than not, though, he would simply not be aware of it.
Apart from that (which I do point out at the relevant passages) it's a good, solid chapter. Although, the inveterate proofreader that I am, i have found many mistakes that should have been caught when it was read over by the proofreader. And, even as old as this story is, either this will help you, or perhaps another reader who is working on their own story.
Here are the needes edits:
Although[,] she really wished she had ...'
'At the time[,] she had wanted ...'
'... into walking[,] she had changed her mind when the pain* of walking in high heels was made painfully* clear( omit: er). Choose a different word for one or the other, discomfort of walking, or achingly clear, for example. Repetitive use of the same term makes the reader feel like they're reading a children's book.
'...grinning every so often[, apparently] at her discomfort,' See, the Doctor doesn't like it when people get hurt, so he would not enjoy a companion's pain, period. Just, no. So indicate that she thinks it might be that, but not that it is absolutely from that.
'...take a hovercab[,] because if ...'
'...he had won their little unspoken battle[,] and she was not letting him win[,] so she stuck a smile on her face and kept on walking.' Another bit where you are writing it as if he is deliberately enjoying a companion's pain. I do not like that idea one tiny bit, as I cannot believe any version of the Doctor that NOTICED his companion was hurting would allow it to continue. Perhaps he is simply not AWARE of it, but he would not like it.
"Top nosh." That should be top notch, as the phrase means it (whatever is being discussed) is very high on a list, or very top in the marks of a critic, etc., but doesn't refer to the word knosh, meaning to eat.
'Suddenly[,] it stopped[; e]verything stopped[,] and Rose felt...'
'... paid for the cab[,] and they got out[,] muttering their farewells...'
"Did you[,] Doctor?"
'...without her noticing[,] or maybe...'
'She [did (not does)] a hell of a job hiding it from him at times. He had[n"t] even known ..." and later, '...everything clearer[,] and he had to ...' Did, because you must maintain the tense [time-inferring qualities) of the piece. Does is present, did is past, and your story is written in past tense, except for the odd mistake like this one. The only way that can change is if you use an internal speech, like a thinking of it, like "she does a hellyca giod job of hiding it,' he thought to himself. That is generally indicated by italics if the place it's published can do that.
"So[,] Dame Rose,"
'...they headed inside[,*] hand in hand.' This one isn't absolutely necessary, but is often used.
And, one more time (though I don't mention it each time), it is NOT necessary, and is, in fact, absurd, to end each chapter with "to be continued." That is a GIVEN in a chaptered story. Stop it.
| Mary Ann Bittle chapter 8 . 5/16
The visuals were good, the concept of the chapter is interesting, but there were still several things that should have been edited:
'...could not help but [notice] (omit: d) the look...'
'... reached [its not it's] midday cycle...'
'...trying to [shut not shun] the image of her out...'
"...you said so yourself[,] and I ..."
The Doctor looked down at her and suddenly forgot (omit: about) that he was trying to make him[self] seem like a horrible date[. not ,] (omit: but) [W]hen she was looking at him with that look[,] (omit: then) it wasn't surprising that he forgot about his plan and let himself be brought into the shop, forgetting the tortuous wait he had [endured] (omit: been forced on) the last time he went clothes shopping with a companion. (This had been an interminably long one-sentence paragraph. Avoid them!)
'...ever (omit: more) clearer in his mind[,] as with each second he spent in the shop,[ ]the crazier...' First, if you must use more, use more clear, or it must be left out, and only use clearer. Second spot needs a comma, to break up the long sentence, and finally, a needed space was missed.
'...before that[,] or the one before that,'
'... make him speechless[,] and bring a smile to his face[,] and she had ...'
'It was payback[,] anyway[,] so it didn't matter,'
The Doctor watched her retreating form[,] and suddenly found himself once again [very] bored. Time Lords weren't meant to be this, (omit: Lords) weren't meant to be waiting for their companion to choose an outfit so they could go to dinner. (Although, this seems unusually rude a thought, to me. After all, he's been in jail cells much longer than this, and he DID choose to do this bit. Need to tone it down...)
'His stomach growled at the thought of food. He needed to get his mind off of food otherwise he would go crazy with hunger. Either that or he would crazy by Rose's inability to choose a dress.' Frankly, I'd omit this entire passage. He's never been that driven by hunger, so the whole "go crazy" thing is WAY over the top. Were it the Doctor, he would normally just wander off if he were that bored or hungry...
Anyway, even though this is quite old, perhaps this will help you in the future, or help another writer.
| Mary Ann Bittle chapter 7 . 5/10
Well, last review was for Ch. 5, and this one is for Ch. 6, if you go by your labels up top, rather than with what the site labels it. Not sure what the problem is, but no way to edit the reviews, so, this is the best it gets. Hopefully, it will show up labeled as the correct chapter. Odd, though. You should be able to discern which chapter the edits are for, either way.
I am enjoying this a bit more, now, but am still the inveterate proofreader. Not many mistakes that I spotted, but here they are.
Edits desperately needed for this chapter:
"Up and atom." That's not how that goes, no matter what it may seem to sound like. It's "Up and at 'em," not atom, which is a very tiny particle of which all things are made.
'...enough for him[,] but...'
| Mary Ann Bittle chapter 6 . 5/10
I just realised how very OLD this writing was, but still, it needs proofreading, desperately.
Worst edits needed badly, Ch 6:
Firstly, 'try and kiss' is a poor way to say it; should be 'try to kiss.'
'He wasn't the one who was head over heels in love with him...' made little sense in that context. Should be 'with her,' or just edit out the 'with him.' It could easily handle just removing that entire part of the sentence, in fact, starting instead at "There would be no reason for him...
"Oh [,] sorry Rose [,] but..."
'...until they heard off to...' I know for a fact heard should be head.
"He'[d] have to..." easy typo...
'DOCTOR 4 ROSE' I'm not sure if this is a British thing, but in my part of the world, that would say, 'DOCTOR -N- ROSE' or 'DOCTOR 3 (oror ) ROSE'
| Mary Ann Bittle chapter 4 . 5/9
I am enjoying this, but as I have said before, I am a born proofreader, so here are the minimum needed errors in this chapter:
'He stopped [comma] placing a hand...'
"Now [comma] you won't fall..."
'The [ship's] high hum...' not ship
"Rose and me..." no, no, no - and I, not and me. And same paragraph, "...almost had gotten eaten..." Should be "We almost got eaten..." or "nearly got eaten..."
"Ok, ok [comma] let's just drop the subject ...(and) Now [comma] can you please stop..."
Next paragraph, " "Now [comma] warn me..."
Next paragraph, '...how [messy] she...' not how mess.
'...loads of Rose's in...' either no apostrophe, or tell us Rose's what? Apostrophes mean ownership when they're not indicating missing letters (as in can't or isn't). Continuing, "in the universe [period, followed by capitalized None...]
'He looked around [comma, not semicolon] ignoring the irony of the situation he was in [comma] and decided...'
'...she might of put it.' No, no, no. Might've and might of are two different things, and the latter is an error. The words with 've are short for HAVE. Would've, could've, might've, etc., all mean HAVE. A common mistake, but an annoying one.
'...had been stuff[ed] in there', not stuff.
| Mary Ann Bittle chapter 3 . 5/9
When there is a 'so' in a sentence, you can almost guarantee there should be a comma either before or after it:
'...so too [comma] so maybe she...'
"So [comma] can you drop me off at a shop? I won't be long [let's say period or semicolon or even ellipses ... those] although we do need to pick up some groceries [comma] so maybe I should take my time getting some food. And I did need to get my hair redone. I haven't had it cut in ages. You don't mind [comma] do you?"
You know[comma] I'll go up to the job centre today [comma] and-"
Several more just like those, missing commas, like this one: '...too stunned to move [comma] and thinking...'
One more thing: there is NO need to finish each and every chapter with "to be continued." That is a given when there are multiple chapters.
Again, keep practicing, and work harder at proofreading.
| Mary Ann Bittle chapter 2 . 5/9
Okay, first, this is an interesting story so far. I'm not sure I am thrilled with the idea that the Doctor would think himself irresistible, but I'm willing to give the idea some room to grow.
Second, I'm an inveterate proofreader. I stumble over any little typo, misspelled word, ir awkward turn of phrase. So, here are the edits needed in what I've read so far, which are the 1st two chapters.
A couple of times, you have one of them say or think "I mean," and don't follow it with a comma. There should be a comma there, because anytime anyone says it, there is always a pause, and the comma represents the pause.
"happened ages ago [need a comma here] but you'd think..."
"Wouldn't you [comma here] Doctor?"
"...away [comma here] and this was..."
"...next answer."Hmmm...yeah."" Need a space after that period and the quotation marks for 'Hmmm.'
"His head turned, a cracking noise in head was made obvious." An awkward sentence. In his head? Overhead? Whatever you meant, it didn't come through.
"...who could blame them, he was utterly brilliant..." should read, "...who could blame them? He was utterly brilliant..."
'...more woman surrounded around him when he..." Awkward turn of phrase, and woman is singular. Should instead be, 'more women surrounded...' or "more women were always around him...' instead, and note the plural, women.
"Oh sorry…" should have a comma after 'oh.'
'Rose gave an innocent looking face.' Should be 'Rose held an innocent look on...,' or 'Rose kept an innocent look on...'
' it had happened [comma here] and it was unlikely...'
captains should be captain's
'how good it felt,' should have a period not a comma.
'embaressed' is spelled embarrassed.
"Aw, come her Doctor." Should be here, not her, and [comma], as in "...come here, Doctor."
" ...with a aching head" should be an aching head.
'Oh, this wsn't good' should be wasn't, instead.
'Her hanDhad...' obviously should be 'Her hand had...' and same sentence, '...on his cheek [comma here] and he...'
'He was that irrestable…espescially in this new body.' Irresistible, and especially.
'Maybe she was only concerned…maybe but she had seemed so persistent earlier and then…nothing.' Drop the 2nd maybe, and comma after 'earlier.'
Now, I know that's a lot of editing, but it really needs done. Does that mean I think you're a bad writer? No. You just need better proofreading skills, or need to get someone to proofread for you. Keep practicing.
I am also going to proofread any other chapters I read, to help you, until either I get asked to stop, or I get distracted by something else, or it gets so bad, I can't continue.
| I-Sit-On-A-Throne-In-Hell chapter 19 . 12/28/2015
Did you seriously just use the 'as you wish line?' Really?!
| Thor chapter 40 . 11/17/2013
I like this chapter... *throws it on the ground* ANOTHER!
| FOLLOWING chapter 40 . 11/12/2013
It's taking so looooooong :(