|Reviews for Flaming Heart|
| Visitor chapter 2 . 1/16
I noticed that this fic has been edited semi-recently, but I also notice that there are grammatical mistakes that are fairly consistent. They are also, unfortunately, distracting.
There seems to be some issue with using periods and quotes. Commas are used in the very instances where they no longer make sense.
For example: ["We're also going to be team-mates,"]. A comma doesn't make sense here. It has to be a period. If it was ["We're going to be team-mates," Rin said.], it would be fine.
Another example: ["Anou... Minato-sensei has asked me if you could stay with us for a while," Rin said softly, "O-only until you have the means to find your own place..."] The issue here is that by doing [said softly,] instead of [said softly.], it indicates that the two sentences are continuous and building from the other, in essence one sentence. Seeing as these two sentences by Rin are both independent clauses and are not joined by any sort of conjunction or a semicolon, a comma here creates a run-on sentence. It would read as: "Minato-sensei has asked me if you could stay with us for a while, O-only until you have the means to find your own place..."
A grammatically correct way to do it would be: ["Anou... Minato-sensei has asked me if you could stay with us for a way," Rin said softly. "O-only until you have the means to find your own place..."]
Another time, it was actually almost correct. ["On the contrary, Kakashi," Minato looked on, watching as both girls approached them, "When was the last time you saw Rin look like that?"] This is actually a time when it's already to have a comma after them [them,] because everything that Minato is saying is in one continuous thought, and [Minato looked on, watching as both girls approached them] is really just an interjection into that single sentence. The issue is that, since it is all one sentence in the quotes, it's incorrect to capitalize ["When]. Because that would read as, "On the contrary, Kakashi, When was the last time you saw Rin look like that?" See? It's not correct.
A general rule to follow though is that, unless the interrupted quote is not complete by the time the first quote bit ends (ex: "She was saying," Jim cut in, "that she forgot something at home."), it is alright to use a comma to lead into the next quote.
If, however, the thought and sentence IS complete (ex: "She was saying she forgot something at home," Jim cut in. "Doesn't that seem a bit suspicious to you?"), it's not correct to use a comma. As in the example, a period is appropriate to separate them.
If you simply haven't learned enough of English grammar in school yet, and if these rules are totally new or unfamiliar, it might be helpful to find a beta who could comb through your writing and help you tighten and polish everything help. You're obviously committed to improving your writing seeing as you've gone through and edited. It would just be a matter of getting another eye to look things over, right?
I apologize if this review upset you in any way. A lot of writing is marketing yourself, and a writer is always taken more seriously when their writing is free from typos and grammatical errors. And this story already seems to be made with quite a bit of thought and care, the makings of a quality story. But these sorts of grammatical issues that I mentioned above are distracting in their nature because they're fundamentally wrong. And the rest of your writing looks so clean and polished that the errors that are in here were jarring.
It is in no way my place to say any of this, and I sincerely hope this wasn't too offensive and that you continue to learn and grow as a writer. Seriously, it's awesome and incredible that you wrote this story!
| cloystreng chapter 25 . 11/16/2015
I just finished reading through this story and enjoyed it. I know you wrote it a long time ago and may not even see this, but it was fun reading a story from back in the time before we got to a lot of the later Akatsuki info.
| Guest chapter 24 . 10/28/2015
Omfg .. is this going to be canon? What a bs story
| SaltWaterSwimmer29 chapter 25 . 9/28/2015
This was such a good story! The plot was really enticing and entertaining! Great job!
| lov3silhouett3 chapter 9 . 6/9/2015
I would highly recommend to seek a beta reader since quite a few syntax and grammatical errors have been present within the story so far. Additionally, there are moments that information within the story seems to be repeated multiple times thus making the story quite repetitive. It is also my own personal preference in regards to the stammering/stuttering that Rin-as well as some other characters-have been seen using within the chapters, but I would do away with it. The use of this dialectic seems to put a halt on the flow of the sentences and the same effect can be achieved through other methods. Furthermore (more of a personal preference), there is a mass amount of details that are not accurate in regards to the Narutoverse. I understand this is your fanfiction and you have the beautiful freedom to weave together words to create a new story of your own, but perhaps you should include a disclaimer stating that you utilized your artistic ability to change a few timelines/information or maybe you could update the story to reflect the correct details. I have greatly enjoyed your story up to this point (Chapter nine) and I look forward to continuing to binge read your work. D
| Blank chapter 25 . 5/22/2015
This is so wrong why the hell did u put Sakura with Kakashi!?
I DEMAND A CHANGE TO SASUKE!
| Nameless Lurker chapter 24 . 2/27/2015
The battle doesn't make sense to me...I thought Sakura trained for something but all you let her do is scream Sasuke's name stupidly the whole time. That had been pretty disappointing. She didn't change at all, like the story claimed to be, she's just like her genin self staying at the background worryinh over her teammates and doing nothing. Or maybe she'll do better in the next chapters? But yep. I'm disappointed, she's just a love-struck fool girl here, she was much better in the early chapters.
| Koomahana chapter 26 . 1/6/2015
That was a beautiful story!
| mika chapter 12 . 11/24/2014
Rin is so cute! :3
| mika chapter 11 . 11/24/2014
Even Kenji approve their couple! :D
| mika chapter 10 . 11/24/2014
Nice chapter :b
| mika chapter 9 . 11/24/2014
Finaly she told someone! :'( or she would have explod!
| mika chapter 8 . 11/24/2014
Why can t she stop crying? Sakura just act!
| mika chapter 7 . 11/24/2014
Oh poor Sakura! :'(
| mika chapter 6 . 11/24/2014
She should have killed him! Stupid Sakura