|Reviews for Serendipity|
| Rana Kane chapter 2 . 11/8/2008
There are seventeen instances of "seem" in this chapter. I could write you out of over half of them, but I'll point this out as an example of viewpoint character's perception.
"Words could not describe what Presto felt in this place. There was power like he had never felt before. Incredible, monumental, impossible… they all seemed to fall short somehow."
This can be a tricky one. We're in Presto's mind, so why be ambiguous about his feelings? Did these adjectives fall short or didn't they? This works fine: ". . . they all fell short somehow." The "somehow" shows that he doesn't know exactly how to feel about it.
Here, too: "She was sensitive to what was going on around her and it seemed that any slight noise would waken her . . ."
We're in her, Sheila's, point of view. Was any slight noise actually awakening her? You could have gone ahead and written "She was sensitive to what was going on around her, (comma here to separate two independent clauses) and any slight noise would waken her . . ."
In the preceding paragraph, you have a run-on sentence (comma splice). And this sentence needs work, too: "He could see a huge range of different objects; swords, staffs, capes, hats, crowns, a whip, various books, chain mail, armour, a few rings, some bracelets, a coil of rope, a phial or two of some odd looking liquid… the more he looked, the more things he saw."
I would edit it this way: "He could see a huge range of different objects: swords, staffs, capes, hats, crowns, a whip, various books, chain mail, armour, a few rings, some bracelets, a coil of rope, a phial or two of some odd looking liquids, and more."
Here, you don't use "seem," but it could be worded better:
"It felt like she was filled with excitement and anticipation this morning, like the morning of a big sports event, where she was going to compete. She liked feeling like that, the buzz of adrenaline that filled her body and made her tingle."
How about: "She was filled with excitement and anticipation this morning, as though it were the morning of a big sports event where she would be competing. She liked that feeling, that buzz of adrenaline that filled her body and made her tingle."
Your Presto trips me up, too. There was another story in which Presto had that crazy inner dialogue going on. And it's here, too.
"(The girls would be happier) Eric would be happier too! (But it wasn’t my fault the Hat didn’t understand) And it wasn’t my fault about the starch either (or the soap) or the soap! (Nobody liked the soap!)"
In the other story, it was new and different. His circumstances made it plausible enough, also. But he's doing it again, and I think he's the only one you do this to. I feel like he's going to snap one day and go insane.
There are many punctuation issues. It just needs a good proofread from a beta.
| Rana Kane chapter 1 . 11/8/2008
There are twenty-two occurrences of the word "seem" in this chapter. Some are used in telling phrases where I think showing would be better.
In this paragraph for example:
"The Arch-Mage let his Nightmare walked [sic] slowly forward. To Hank, their enemy seemed much more interested in them and their surroundings than usual. It was odd, and Venger seemed to be looking for something,"
The first usage is passable, but using it again so quickly should have stood out to you. Rather than tell us that the arch-mage seemed to be looking for something, you could describe what the arch-mage was doing that made him seem to be looking for something. What got the arch-mage's attention? Was he looking around, at the ground, or in the sky? Did he pause or hesitate as he looked around with scrutinizing eyes? Describing it gives a better picture to a reader's mind, in my opinion.
Some instances of "seem" are there for no reason I can think of. If you take out "seemed to" and change the following verb to past tense, the sentence has either the same or better meaning.
For example, in these two sentences:
"The road to the left led to a low-walled building that seemed to sprawl over the land like an unruly weed." and "The road to the right, the one with smooth, well-worn stones, led to a tall gate that seemed to dwarf everything else."
How about: "The road to the left led to a low-walled building that sprawled over the land like an unruly weed." and "The road to the right, the one with smooth, well-worn stones, led to a tall gate that dwarfed everything else." And you could remove the comma between "smooth" and "well-worn". It wouldn't be incorrect to do so. You could also pick just one of the adjectives. Something well-worn is usually smooth.
Here, too: "The scarlet shade of Eric’s face seemed to get deeper." This could be: "The scarlet shade of Eric’s face deepened."
And here: ". . . the fine grey dust seemed to streak slightly, . . ." Just say: " the fine grey dust streaked slightly, . . ."
And to get rid of this one: ". . . the note sounded again, closer this time, and the sound seemed to pass straight into his heart, sending a wave of hope and joy through him." I would rewrite it this way: ". . . the note sounded again, closer this time. The sound filled his heart and sent a wave of hope and joy through him." Not so wordy.
Another: ". . . Diana seemed to turn red under her dark skin." How about simply: ". . . Diana blushed." Or if you want to keep the attention to her skin color, you could write: ". . . Diana turned red under her dark skin." Maybe: ". . . the dark skin of Diana's face took on a rosy hue." Ideas.
"Venger gave a snort of laughter." Now this I can't even picture. He just wasn't a snorting, laughing villain to me. And you use "gave" like you use "seem" sometimes. Your characters give smiles, give this gesture and that. How about, though I can't imagine it, "Venger snorted with laughter."?
And instead of: "Then the still-grey Cavalier gave a snort that sent a small plume of grey dust up in front of him." How about: "The still-grey Cavalier snorted, sending a plume of dust around his face." Just an idea.
Here, too: ". . . Bobby took the paper from Hank’s hand, then gave a loud whoop." You could say: ". . . Bobby took the paper from Hank’s hand, read it, and whooped." A whoop is already loud, by definition, so you wouldn't even need the word "loud."
If you go back and take a careful look at all your "seems" and "gives," you could probably write yourself out of over half of them. I believe the story could benefit from it. Using "seemed to" and "gave" has a passive feel, when it could be worded in more of an active voice.
| Jennyvre Moss chapter 2 . 8/26/2008
Again I am intrigued...this is really good so far
keep writing ans please update soon :D
| Polgara of Erat chapter 2 . 8/11/2008
For a place that's supposed to be all good and peaceful, this monastery sure is creepy. They are suddenly all so very meek...
I'm very curious what happens next...
| LadyKatherine29 chapter 2 . 8/9/2008
Excellent set up chapter. The plot is slowly growing and becoming more and more interesting and intergaing. The flow is still perfect. Loved the povs and slight forshadowing. Can't say for sure I know whats up. But I'm willing to bet tons of wild and crazy things are in the works. Will niffty five headed Tiamat finally have hatchlings? Will she delare Sheila the babysister? Will Venger the cranky arch mage get some action or perhaps a new buddy for his flying horse? Will DM ever simply disapline his wayward off spring? Or will DM finally turn things over to newly gotten back daughter Karrena? Will Karrena show up at all? Will Sheila be reviled to be a super thief/mage? Will I ever shut up? Who knows! But I do know this has been a heck of a lot of fun to read!
| Bluetiger chapter 2 . 8/9/2008
I have to say, this monastry seems like a pretty creepy place, and oddly, for a refuge of good that evil cannot enter, it seems to be able to cast a somewhat narcotic influence over the young ones, that's downright sinister. I mean they seemed far to happy to be seperated when taken to their own rooms, and, maybe it's just me, but those oh so comfy bedrooms seemed to feel a little too much like prison cells. :O
Oh, and I have to wonder, if their weapons are so useless within the monastry, then why must Dungeonmaster's pupils surrender them? :)
I really have no idea where this is going to go, and why everyone is acting like I do on Saturday morning/afternoon, lol, but I am really enjoying it so far. )
| D.B. Cooper chapter 2 . 8/9/2008
Ah, it is good to see the gang have a chance to relax for once. However, the fact that they had to give up their weapons sends up alarm bells. Is everything as peaceful as it seems? Probably not, no.
| Polgara of Erat chapter 1 . 7/21/2008
Lovely first chapter, you raise so many questions...
| elektralyte chapter 1 . 7/13/2008
Finally catching up with my reading!
I started reading the story before I read your author notes. When the part about the 'Halls of Sentience' came up I got really excited because I had read the Fayzalmoonbeam fic a long time ago. This is a neat shout out to a good story.
Anyway, I can't wait to see where this is going!
| D.B. Cooper chapter 1 . 7/7/2008
Man, can you ever write!
| LadyKatherine29 chapter 1 . 7/7/2008
This looks very good. The plot is very interesting, has a good air of mystery to it. Like the flow and over; all I very much enjoyed my read of your first chapter.
| Bluetiger chapter 1 . 7/5/2008
I don't know quite how you manage to come up with so many great plot ideas, but I'm gald you do. )
I do feel for poor old Eric, neither his personal suffering (and his straits have seemed a lot more dire than those of the others just recently), or recent acts of self sacrifice, have done anything to change the way the others seem to see him, lol.
| ForeverJetrisLPL chapter 1 . 7/4/2008
Teehee I loved the whole joke with Eric being statue grey. Once again I find myself waiting desperately for the next chapter.
I feel like a child beggin for another cookie before dinner.