|Reviews for The Golden Fox: The Light in the Darkness|
| GaruAlpha chapter 3 . 12/13/2009
Great story, I just finally caught up.
| tanithlipsky chapter 3 . 12/8/2009
cool. interesting. :D good
| leobelkin chapter 3 . 12/3/2009
| DeadPoopsmell chapter 3 . 11/18/2009
Things are rounding up quite nicely, i like how you leave nothing floating around, it truly proves your skill as a writer.
Still, as good as the plot goes i still see too many repetitions. An example of this is in the following:
“Naruto didn’t fight alone. I fought with him. We had them right were we wanted them but they used a Jutsu that sucked Naruto into a void. If Akatsuki got Naruto we have to stop them immediately.”
Senzairu spoke, “Hayami, the goal is to find Akatsuki. Doing so we will be able to locate Naruto and the others I’m sure. It sucks though; Akatsuki has Naruto which means they probably have ‘Heaven’s Blade’ as well.”
“Actually, ‘Heaven’s Blade’ is with me. Before nii-san got sucked into the void, he threw me the sword”
Makeinu jumped in, “Then that means Naruto is…”
I have spotted the word Naruto six times, which can be easily turned into three times. Let's analize this, in the first line we can turn it into the following:
“Naruto didn’t fight alone. I fought with him. We had them right were we wanted them but they used a Jutsu that sucked nii-san into a void. If Akatsuki got him we have to stop them immediately.”
Throughout the story you have given our main character several nicknames, then use them . I am not telling you to have Hayami call him 'Golden Fox' so as to avoid repeating the use of his name (that would be out of character as she calls him nii-san mostly, we actually recognize that Hayami is who she is when she says nii-san), but there is always a way around repetition. Furthermore, some of it is allowed when the characters think or speak, as when we think or speak we repeat things a lot, but the fact is that once you are talking about someone then you don't have to keep repeating his name, we know you are speaking about him when you say 'he' or 'him'.
Now, let's analyze this next phrase:
Fading from view, this caused Naruto great surprise. In defensive position with the sword resting over his right shoulder blade, Naruto blocked the kunai. Jumping out of his body, Mayonaka went to attack Safia. Safia just shifted her eyes as the kunai came toward her chest but the kunai was stopped by Naruto’s blade. Naruto, who was in front of Safia smiled at Mayonaka, “To create a clone that fast in battle is impressive but I’m your opponent”
I spotted the use of the word Naruto four times in here together with other errors. Let's correct it, shall we? Compare the one above with the one below :
Fading from view, this surprised Naruto(no such thing as causing great surprise, one either is surprised or isn't. [[Also, you confuse 'cause' with consequence. This resulted in Naruto being surprised, no such thing as this caused him surprise, the cause was that he faded from view, the consequence is that he is surprised[[. A heavier word than surprise is shock, so instead of saying greatly surprised you can use more powerful words too). In defensive position with the sword resting over his right shoulder blade, Naruto blocked the kunai (here the repetition of 'Naruto' is allowed as one might not know who was attacked). Jumping back (no such thing as jumping out of your body, unless i did not understand what you meant here), Mayonaka went to attack Safia. She (no use in repeating her name, you just mentioned she was the one being attacked) just shifted her eyes as the kunai came toward her chest but it (here you repeat 'the kunai'. no need either, when you use 'it' you assume you are talking about the kunai because you just mentioned it. Other alternatives are saying 'the blade' or 'the weapon', maybe even the 'throwing dagger') was stopped by Naruto’s blade. He (no need to repeat the name, you just finished the last sentence mentioning him. Also, here you can call him by any of the nicknames you gave him as it is not someone talking or thinking, you can mention him as the blond boy or the blue-eyed Jinchuuriki or Golden Fox), who was in front of Safia smiled at Mayonaka, “To create a clone that fast in battle is impressive but I’m your opponent”
Beside those corrections is the fact that you confused Safaia's name. That is a heavy mistake, especially when the character you confused the name is an OC. The outcome is the following:
Fading from view, this surprised Naruto. In a defensive position with the sword resting over his right shoulder blade, Naruto blocked the kunai . Jumping back, Mayonaka went to attack Safia. She just shifted her eyes as the kunai came toward her chest but it was stopped by Naruto’s blade. He, who was in front of Safia smiled at Mayonaka, “To create a clone that fast in battle is impressive but I’m your opponent”
What i am trying to do is make you realize one of your faults so you can correct them and better your writing, make it more enjoyable, so do not take it bad, that is not my intention. Thinking up Synonyms is one of the most important job's for a writer, as people usually get to recognize the characters by those. We recognize this Naruto by the words 'Golden Fox' or recognize Shikamaru with adjectives like 'a lazy shinobi...'. The use of synonyms make the writing richer and more enjoyable, so i hope you better your writing. I am sure looking forward to more of The Golden Fox, keep it up!
| Iffritman56 chapter 1 . 9/19/2009
Dude, your story is awesome! I just finished reading the first Golden Fox story and I plan to read this soon! Plz review soon!
| unsung soldier chapter 1 . 8/24/2009
wow! i just now found out you have started writing again! i love the first GOLDEN FOX and cant wait to read this one. great first chapter and will continue to read more tomorrow. cant wait to see what you have come up with for this one.
| 8kb24 chapter 3 . 8/21/2009
Nice. I just finished the golden fox. But I noticed that you took a lot of time off after your last update. I am eagerly waiting for your next chapter.
| tcl7189 chapter 3 . 8/3/2009
Another great chapter...finished up 'the golden fox' earlier today and made my way here...oh saw one small boo boo close to the end..."With 'Hayami' in the front using her Byakugan to lead the way, the group continued their course toward the two Akatsuki members."...I think this should be Hanabi...lol...so many names to keep up with...
| narutoadventurist chapter 3 . 7/27/2009
dude that was verryniice!
| Burning Axe chapter 3 . 6/14/2009
Good story. Keep writing when you have time.
| jacalman chapter 3 . 6/3/2009
this is awasome plz continue the story
| Dr Monstaa chapter 1 . 5/20/2009
This is awesome! Plz update! Do it for the Bunny!
Argh, bunny looks fat in this...
| Trechdren chapter 3 . 5/6/2009
Awesome! update soon!
| blkbubble chapter 3 . 3/25/2009
omg what the hell is going on in this story.. so many different characters & names that its giving me a headache..
ur first story was truly amazing.. this story however, is beginning to suck.
i know u said u will finish whatever u start but if ur not gonna put ur heart into it.. just give it up.. SERIOUSLY