|Reviews for Dim as Lightning|
| Guest chapter 1 . 2/15/2013
was that scream granddad?
| GhostCrusader3 chapter 1 . 9/5/2012
Though I think you have a lot of talent, this and Quiet like Thunder could've been better. Since I don't want to post this on as two commentaries, I'm posting my review here.
I really don't like reading one-shot lemonfics, because they don't have the slightest inkling of a plot. It's always sex this, sex that, but what led up to that? What happened afterwards? And what were the characters thinking? Stories like these are more fantasy than fanfics, and I suggest writing them in a private journal, not on the Internet. However, your stories had some plotlines. I just didn't think either of them is well-explained.
Huey's a revolutionary and he takes his personal/political opinions seriously. I highly doubt he would change all that because of his “feelings” for Riley. I know you said in the last fic that Huey was, and I quote, “consumed with an emotion he couldn't describe”. How did that happen? If he had seen Riley get beaten all his life, why was this different for him? Whenever someone says, “It just happened”, I feel that the author isn’t trying hard enough.
The same thing goes for Riley. Riley is a loudmouth gangster in-training, and we all know how much he dislikes gays and physical contact with his men (unless it’s a fistfight). Once again, why was it different in Quiet like Thunder? Why didn’t the kiss disgust him? Why didn’t he punch Huey the minute their lips locked? It doesn’t make sense for their characters to change in an instant without explanation.
Also, the sex scenes feel very arbitrary, to me. Now, I know what you’re thinking: She’s ranting about this because it’s an incest fanfic. Actually, that’s not the case. I don’t care about the content of the story, but I care about how it’s executed. These two stories weren’t executed very well. There are several plot-holes in these stories. Wouldn’t Granddad hear them upstairs? When did the transition from disgust to pure desire happen? If these questions aren’t answered, then the scenes feel a little rushed. In this story, the sex made a little more sense because you described their relationship going on the flimsy side again. However, what would make the execution stronger is if you took these one-shots, merge them together, and try to turn the important events into chapters. That way, you may be able to explain the situation more clearly.
The organization was a little shaky, too. In both stories, you tend to bounce back and forth between past and present. It can get very frustrating, and this is where expanding the story length comes in. Both of these stories had the potential of being merged into a very engaging chapter story, but you instead chose to write in a one-shot format. Instead of flashbacking in the midst of a story, start from the beginning. Retrace your steps to when the tension first began and go from there.
The fluency was better than expected, but there’s still room for improvement. Some of the paragraphs in each story suffered from repetition. If you have big piles of text in every paragraph, you know that it can be trimmed down. You’ve already stated the main idea, but there’s no need to restate it.
Repetition also affects your word choice. I’ve seen some overused words here and there, such as “love”, “sin”, “Hell”, “angel”, et cetera. Recycling these words for narrative purposes is pretty cheesy, when you think about it. If you use these words over and over again, it feels like you’re manipulating us into emoting. Instead, add more dialogue. I know that sounds random, but it actually helps. Focusing too much on your words and not the real interaction between characters can damage your story’s outlook. Try to focus on Huey and Riley’s interaction, instead.
Now, this story isn’t a complete flop. You are a very intriguing writer. Some of your lemonfics actually do have some plotlines behind them, but they had more potential for something greater. Also, I do like the tension you’re conjuring up, but if you focused on that instead of word choice and description, it would’ve been much better.
Alas, you’ve been gone for 2 years, so I doubt you’ll read this. But if you do (I hope you heed my advice.
| aangandnaruto chapter 1 . 9/29/2011
THAT WAS A GREAT STORY! I DON'T NORMALLY SUPPORT GAY'S BUT THAT WAS A GREAT STORY! KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.
| sweetiiey chapter 1 . 2/20/2011
You are a naturally born writer...
I love how dark and deep it is
| XxchibiholicxX chapter 1 . 12/3/2010
one word this...WOW!
| Marina Yano chapter 1 . 10/18/2010
That was amazing. I never thought someone could make Boondocks beautiful like this.
| PistolTrapp chapter 1 . 7/7/2010
| WaSaBIxPiRaTe chapter 1 . 6/25/2010
Dude, your writing is insane! I loved the prequel and this sequel is just as awesome. This was very romantic, hot, steamy...fuckkkkk I love you. I want to make sweet love to you like Huey does to Riley.
| PlayElli chapter 1 . 6/19/2010
ur so amazing!
| AEDReaper chapter 1 . 7/18/2009
I'm speechless. The best i can come up with is amazing utterly .
| naru1014 chapter 1 . 7/8/2009
there r no words i can say to say how great is was...that's how great it was
| Estra chapter 1 . 6/28/2009
This was really good, and I just have to review so that you know that I know. I loved both this and the one before. I actually wanted a scene where they were courting each other, because I thought that that would have been cute...
But it was good, nonetheless! Thank you for such a wonderful story!
| Gaara123 chapter 1 . 1/19/2009
wow what a great and effective story
| sasuruto300 chapter 1 . 12/9/2008
i never thought of a boondocks yaoi story but this is great!
| MiiChanRules chapter 1 . 7/29/2008
Yay! I loved it. And I love you for making a sequel.