|Reviews for Darkness|
| Fly Dragon chapter 1 . 8/12/2014
This story is so cute! It really brings out the bonds that Tien and Chiaotzu have between one another! Keep it up! XD
| was chapter 1 . 5/15/2013
| CulinaryChef chapter 1 . 10/3/2010
A cute read. I like how you don't just include what the characters say, but also how they say it, which is just as, if not more, important than the actual dialogue. Describing their tone helps me to paint a picture of what's going on. Good job.
| Sonar chapter 1 . 9/26/2010
That was an awesome story.
| Calla-Allac chapter 1 . 6/3/2010
Huh. I think this one is my favourite so far.
The depth of their relationship, the understanding and just...closeness they have with each other :D
| Emuji chapter 1 . 3/16/2009
Oh, that fic was so strange O_o What do Chaozu see?
By the way, don't you like the relationship between Tien and blonde Lunch? Because this part:
Lunch (the blonde Lunch, the one Tien felt far too uncomfortable around: at least the blue-haired Lunch treated him like a person and not a slab of meat)
| happy teacup chapter 1 . 7/28/2008
It's me again~ I read that one I'll try to give you a complete criticism with corrections even if they are not much, because good writters like it(I hope that time won't cut my post)
-You gave a good environemment. I see how them both have never been the ones who like to be in big group or party. The impression of being in a big group where people is having fun but you aren't is well pictured, I can really feel it at the beggining.
But u should have described also about the other people, because sometimes u don't say what they are doing and it's a bit difficult to imagine how they are. You say often everyone, but was Yamcha with them? I still wonder...because he is there normally.' So if he doesn't intervent in any part, it's a recommendation that you can mention him on the beggining or in some part, just to help the reader.
-...I like Chaozu here so much.:D You show how he is actually brave and noble, and that he can be often scared but his fear are not in vain. I've always thought so. Tien is also well pictured, i'd say. Because he is discret in front of other people, but protective with Chaozu. Also, they aren't gone to explain to everyone what happened, because they don't have the need to be understood by the others and prefer to keep it to themselves...that's completely them, yes
-I also like the conversation between them. What it is about, it is an interesting conversation. You could try to say the same in more short, because maybe too much dialog isn't good...And put more narration in the story. But i still love the content It reflex very much the characters, specially Chaozu... like I said above.:) And how you let the story about the fear into mystery, yes, better not to explain and let it like that.
-Hey, you complain about your ending sometimes' I like this one. But I still think that maybe you should look for one more... abstract? Or for closing the story, it's a good idea that you can get away little by little from the main, and end with a description of the environement, or something that is symbolical. For example, here you could mention, I don't know, maybe that a cloud finally uncover the moon and the night is not dark anymore, and the stars are shining.(it's stupid, sorry XD -_-U) But stuff like this, that is quite poetic and sounds good, but without falling on the typical too much. It's quite hard I know...
-In your writting, it's stil grammaticaly perfect. Not too long paragraphs, which is really pleasant. But you repeat too much "Chiaotzu" and "Tien". You can use synonyms for remplacement, I don't know, like "the boy with pale skin", or metaphoric, like "the porcelain doll"(lol sorry... they should be other better' I suck).
Well, that's all I could find to say' For a conclusion, it's a very good story, good plot and characterisation, maybe missing of a bit more narration, but still very interesting, specially about Chiaotzu.