|Reviews for Sweet Dreams|
| Flare the Ninetales chapter 1 . 4/9/2012
This is one of the stories I remember you for, aside from the one with Waluigi and the wooden Garchomp. You have the rare trait of being able to break the fourth wall as many times as you want without the story getting cheesy. I FINALLY got the joke about the prey 2 years after reading this. You should show Pikana your THE THING fanfic!
| arandomreviewer chapter 1 . 2/22/2011
| Pikachu127 chapter 1 . 6/2/2010
I am slightly DISTURBED.
| Thought Cloud chapter 1 . 5/25/2010
Heh, I knew Daisy's 10 times sexier than Peach.
But... what happened to Lucas?
| Decoy-Dragon chapter 1 . 6/12/2009
wait, did rayquaza have a sex dream?
if so, oddly hot!
| Australian Lucario chapter 1 . 10/18/2008
Hehe poor Dialga. Although I'm curious as to what Ray-ray was going to say before Dialga whacked him over the head. Good story.
| Echos of 2008-2009 chapter 1 . 10/3/2008
| Formerly Chilltown chapter 1 . 9/19/2008
The joke at the end killed me. xD
You're too much, man. You're too much...
| Ginkyofu13 chapter 1 . 9/11/2008
Wow cool story with Rayquazza! impressive!
| Crazy Foxie chapter 1 . 7/31/2008
I only read this whilst I was on the way to review a fic page by page and realised you're the author. The one who was supposed to have left this fandom however long ago, but still manage to weave their way back in one way or another.
And the fact it was about Rayquaza, which most people don't bother to write about.
In that sense, your fic's very original, both in your choice of characters and plotline. You know how to use paragraphs, which some people still can't even get the grips of.
However, there are few things I must point out. Whilst you have...unique tastes in your characters' personalities (namely Peach and Rosalina), they don't look to be that sort of people. You've made them into something which isn't really princess material and the impression I get is that you've been trying to keep a particular gag about the two going as an attempt to make it funny. This goes for the Peppy lines as well, but I'll let that one slip by. I think you get the idea.
Here's something: How do you 'smile cocky'? Cocky is a noun. I believe you're looking for 'cockily'. ‘Haughtily’, even.
Next thing, can you tell me how Dialga can lift a mallet, let alone walk with it? I would understand if you used Palkia or something, but a four-legged creature physically 'holding' a mallet in his hands? Perhaps say the mallet was held by his tail to make it a little bit more realistic. I actually thought he was holding it in his hands. Might just have been me being stupid though.
Uh oh, this doesn’t look too good. Just look at this sentence and tell me whether you can spot a mistake: ‘"Uh oh... I think I had an accident..." She muttered’. -faints- Besides two ellipses in one sentence (which looks utterly hideous), there's one major flaw in it. The s in she should be lower case, since you're still referring to how Peach said that sentence. I can't tell whether you're already aware of this error, since you’ve very cleverly used names earlier.
And, why Peach, Lucas and Donkey Kong are together in a room at night I have no idea. A sleepover perhaps, or maybe they were assigned as roommates (goodness knows what Master Hand was thinking). Or perhaps Lucas had snuck into Peach's room for comfort and Donkey Kong was...just there. You need to make this sort of thing clear, since I have no idea how this is meant to relate to the fic in general. Both in terms of what’s going on and what the intention of the insert is. I'm sure most people feel the same way.
Okay, there's a lot going on in this one sentence: '"GET OUT." Donkey Kong growled as he grabbed both Peach and Lucas, and shoved the two together in a closet, locking them in as he jumped back onto the bed and snoozed peacefully.' Anyway, perhaps split this up since there's no way not even a massive ape can do all this in one go.
And how can he growl whilst shouting in block capitals...? Since growling could be a way to describe the speech as well as a sound. Whichever one you’re using, I have no idea. If you’re using the sound, make it a bit clearer like saying, ‘A growl escaped Donkey Kong’s throat’ or something like that. It’s easier to make it a noun rather than a verb. And how did he get a key in the first place?
My recommendation is, '"GET OUT!" Donkey Kong yelled, grabbing both Peach and Lucas around their waists, one on each arm. Once he had shoved the two into a closet and locked the door with a satisfying click, he jumped back onto the bed he was previously sleeping on. Soon he snoozed peacefully again, as if there had been no disturbance at all.'
But even that’s very brief. There's a lot you can add in that one sentence, like what I’ve done otherwise it’s just boring. Were Peach and Lucas screaming? Did Donkey Kong just pick them up randomly, or did he grab them around the waist or the back of their collars? Were the two struggling, or were they just hanging there like limp dolls?
Green-colored dragon? You only need to say green, since green is a colour (sorry, I'm English so I'm using English spelling here). This error could possibly be evaded if you put 'green-scaled', maybe even ‘green-plated’ since they're two different ideas. Understand?
Grr, Mario's dialogue. I'm not an Italian, but I'm pretty sure they don't say -a after every single word. Maybe after a few which seem to slur into the next, but this is just overused to the point you can't find where the actual words are. Please sort that out, since this sort of humour isn’t really to my, and perhaps a lot of people’s, taste.
That's enough about the characters. Now about the writing itself!
Right, this is something that just gets to me, but using bolded text in prose just looks hideous. You don't see actual writers using that li’l tool to get attention, do you? No, they use italics!
Next thing, the descriptions of everything, particularly surroundings are very bland. What was in Dialga and Rayquaza's room? What did Rayquaza's head look like on the plate - lopsided? Tongue hanging out?
Don't forget to add thoughts as well - everything doesn't have to be what exactly goes on, there can be some paragraphs dedicated to thoughts to break up the constant banter of dialogue. It adds to the detail, and can give the reader a better idea of the character’s personality rather than the actions themselves.
-pant- I’ve never written such a long review (the next longest review I’ve ever written is a little more than half of this one!). Why people read this and think this is utterly brilliant, I have no idea. You have a lot to improve on and seeing you’ve written 216 fics, I hate to see what your previous fics have been like, and I don’t think I’ll even bother reading those ones.
And, writing this fic two days after you said Brawl sucks makes me wonder what goes on in your mind. If you think your words don’t mean anything and just randomly decide to come back, then think again. If you make a promise, you keep it. You don’t go back on it. You’ve done it plenty of times, and now I think you should actually do it properly this time. Before the front page is infested with these ‘amazing, utterly brilliant’ fics.
18 (yes, I was bored enough to suss it out), and you still write like this. You have a lot to improve on, and hope you take my advice into stride.
Is this a flame or constructive criticism? Hehe, you decide! I doubt you’ve received something quite like this. So, if you decide to improve and once you eventually think of yourself as a decent writer, with the same capabilities as many out there, then let me know. I want to see whether you take all my advice above, or whether you remain the self you are now.
Until then! :)
| Coey890 chapter 1 . 7/26/2008
So Funny! I've also read Tiptup's revenge... and it ended weird... sorry.. Oh well.. AWESOME! Im adding you to my favorite authors list!
| CrazyKomitchii chapter 1 . 7/24/2008
Lol that was cute but I dont get why you jumped to Peach and Lucas wetting the bed and why is DK there?
its confusing but pretty good
| Gonzales512 chapter 1 . 7/24/2008
WTF-a? How-a do-a adults-a have-a accidents-a? Unless-a Lucas-a did-a it-a and-a Peach-a thought-a it-a was-a her-a.
That-a was-a good-a story-a. Good-a job-a Yoshizilla-a!