|Reviews for Only For You Sensei|
| Syeroix chapter 1 . 7/22/2009
I liked this odd fic until this line:
He had avoided Cloud’s eyes through this, which had widened almost as large as the full, pregnant moon above them.
D8 So many horrible mpreg fics came to mind.
| Jiyunamai chapter 1 . 1/19/2009
*grins* Told you I'd be reading more.
I'm disapointed though, that you chose to leave this at such a short one shot. Its a lovely story line. And if you'd taken more time with the idea, it would have been enthralling. :)
(Take a little more time in your proof reading. There were no major errors. But there were some awkward places that I had to reread to make sence of.)
| Schizophrenic.Artlessness.13 chapter 1 . 12/10/2008
Since I'm one of those writers and readers that likes constructive criticism I'll point out what I enjoyed the most, what confused me or I disliked, and some errors that I saw.
Overall your story is nice for one of those 'forbidden sensei-student' relationships, which always gives them fangirls wileys. But your writing style seems to be more told, not shown. I enjoyed reading it, but at the same time it almost felt like a report instead of a story. That told feeling was just a little too strong here.
Okay, even with a copyright mentioned in the author's note, lyrics, unless written by you aren't allowed on fanfiction in their stories.
The first two paragraphs, they seem good enough. But it feels a bit passive. If you don't know what I mean by the passive voice you can always look into it. It's hard to explain, but you can find details when searching for it.
But I did enjoy when you said Cloud's age that you said it in a more 'tribal' way. 'Ten-and-eight-years'. Though he worked day up and day out...that's not really accurate. You mean day in and day out? Though describing Sephiroth as a hard-ass made my day. But the paragrahp is still a bit redundant, especially when describing from the beginning how Sephiroth disliked him.
When you described Seph's popularity it was kept very in-character and almost to the game's line. Just be sure not to over use 'hard-ass' in this one-shot. There are a couple misspelled words here, I'm mainly looking at taxingly. But your description of Cloud losing his breath, that's really descriptive and enjoyable to read.
This is more of my own opinion, but the detail about Seph is nice, poetic, but his face gently made? He has sharp cheek bones, slightly sunken cheeks, that give him that stern, hard look. But then his mouth pushes out more, to add a slight round to that. It's more harshly made than gentle. Once again you start to be a bit more passive and telling not showing. The last part 'Like a gorgeous diamond butterfly trapped in a venomous spider's web.' That doesn't need to be there, too long and wordy. Shorten it without so many words. People usually take spiders as being venomous or bad, sinful. While butterflies are seen as beautiful, free, ect.
The simple peasant part, with Cloud wondering, left me confused. He'd be more glorious if he had come from a poor setting?
It gets redudant when Cloud is feeling more 'aroused' by Sephiroth watching him, and not a sexual arousing, maybe a little. But I'm hitting more on the excitment of being focused on. You repeat it without meaning too. Look closely.
I also really liked when it sounded like a good thing that Seph was focusing on Cloud so much, but when he's told to work harder how it contridicts the emotions the reader is getting. Very nice.
A couple of unneeded details here and there, but nothing really big or needing to be pointed out. A bit redudant on the silence part as well, when Seph is observing him. Also when they speak, when Cloud is talking to him the first time, it doesn't need to be in italics, the sensei part that is and you might want to make the speech more shown with spaces between the next paragraph. I do like Cloud's thoughts and emotions in this fanfiction, it shows the more rebellious side that people seem to skip over or lose, because they make him too girly for the part in fanfics.
The next parts seem fine. The time shift is fine, but you might want to at the beginning mention that this is Cloud recalling what has aspired to lead up to the present point. You used the wrong form of 'then' and 'than' a couple times.
The only part that really actually bothers me enough to stand out is the whole 'love' part. There is a bond between student and teacher, but it's one of the grudging ones that is helped on by lust and determination. All I'm seeing from Cloud's POV is lust and a lot of admiration. It's too rushed for love, nothing even close. From Seph's POV it could be closer to love, with lust. Since Cloud stood out so much and he tried to deny himself but in the end his thoughts and instict wants won out.
I know this is just a fanfic and all of these things are easily ignored, but not if you're aiming for the erotica and romantic area in writing. The whole 'take me' part. No. I mean lust sure, but it's not often said. More in actions. Like Cloud suddenly tackling him and kissing him. That could lead into the actual sexual scene. Seph also seems to be rambling on about the whole I didn't hate you part. It could have been shortened.
There are a couple more parts in the actual 'smut' scene that don't exactly fit, but I won't bring those up, since this is indeed a fanfiction and I would have to go into a lot of detail. Yes, I am lazy to some point.
Overall, it's a decent story. Written better than a lot of them I've read and seen before. I would avoid using too much Japanese, because it always comes off as over-rated, over used, and somewhat dumb. Master and student is more of the 'lustful' and 'forbidden' feel to their relationship. It's still a nice, short read and I'll be adding you to my author alert list. Keep it up.
| sohma-kitty-10-14 chapter 1 . 10/13/2008
What can I say? Teh cuteness, teh cuteness! :D As a matter of fact...this is going under my favorites! -
| Hell's Angel-Heaven's Demon chapter 1 . 9/3/2008
oh! I just discovered the you have more Cloud/Seph stories *-* and this was a one-shot! Just was i wanted to read! nice, sweet, and finished ) I still see that Seph still need to learn how to deal with his emotions...but! At least he was honest in the end!1 )) (lets hope Seph in kamen does this soo P)
| spopococ chapter 1 . 8/1/2008
Very good. -claps-
The story line was nicely built up, and for some strange reason, I always appreciate a few good flashbacks.
If I were to have any criticism, it would be that Sephiroth perhaps got a little too soft too quickly. It wasn't anything too major though, so I loved it. :)
Very good work. :)
| pseudonymphomaniac chapter 1 . 7/29/2008
So here I am before bed time, and I decide: I need read some Kurai-Tenshi before I head off to bed, I know I won't be disapponted.
Well, I was right. Your work, although so short, is so well developed and thought out.
I just love the detail and effort you put into your writing, it's phenomenal.
Fantastic as usual!
p.s. Reading your other work had inspired me to start writing again. I posted a chapter of something I made up out of my own head, which I'm not sure is allowed, but, oh well, I wanted you to be able to read it so you could tell me what you thought. I figure that if I can make myself good enough to be considered a capable writer from you, than I am indeed well enough off.
Of course, please be honest, if you take the time to read it...
| Tobirion chapter 1 . 7/28/2008
Aww! That was cute!
The "You have no talent" part made me laugh a bit. Cloud Strife...no talent with swordfighting? Bah! P And too bad there's not more, but it's good as a oneshot too. Thanks for writing! :]
| ddtrunks77 chapter 1 . 7/26/2008
WOW... but look very on character and it is easy to get into end is...great.
| Punkjello chapter 1 . 7/25/2008
Awhh. That was wonderful, lovie! :3 I love how you write Sephiroth in your stories.