|Reviews for Dance With the Devil|
| Guest chapter 29 . 7/25
STILL REALLY AWESOME experience!
| Guest chapter 23 . 7/25
This story keeps getting better and better!
| Guest chapter 14 . 7/25
This is really good! Jokers my favorite!
. \\ *.*
| Guest chapter 33 . 6/15
When are you gonna update "Uninvited?" Please update the story, it's really great
| Four-Eyed Koi chapter 8 . 1/15
Oh my gosh. It it weren't for you breaking the flow of the story everytime there was a sudden change of time or setting with big bold, "Press Conference"s or "Bruce's POV", I swear, I'd *neve* be able to figure it out for myself.
Yes, I am being completely sarcastic.
You don't need to hand hold us like that, we can figure this stuff out on our own, ya' know?
That said, I am going to be very blunt: Jessica is a splendid example of a Mary Sue. I don't remember the Joker ever using profanity in the film. Jessica is a Mary Sue. The story has absolutely no pace and moves too fast. Jessica is a Mary Sue. You never slow down to write out things so we can actually feel the suspense (is the truth behind Jessica's kidnapping actually suspossed to be something we care about, that interests us? Because it certainly doesn't feel that way with these very superficial ponderings of your protagonist.) Uh, yeah, Jessica is a Mary Sue if I haven't mentioned it.
All these things are very serious problems that really kill the suspension of disbelief in this story. They are mistakes made by either amateur or young writers which I do believe that you were both of at the time of writing this.
You don't need to hold our hands, we are smart enough to figure simple things like setting and put pov out ourselves. Try spending more of that wasted effort you put on elaborating simple facts into elaborating on on the deep emotional stuff. The stuff that actually will help make your story more immersive and make readers more attached to your work. Cause' these superficial little strolls down drama lane aren't working. Like when those bombs went off; am I supposed to care because Jessica is crying? I don't even like her-and why should I-you've given me no time! And don't even get me started on these instances with her and the Joker in later chapters- her little observation that Joker's soul can't be saved or whatever went by so fast (and falsely) I don't know how you ever thought that could have been convincing. Or dramatic. And how did she know this? By looking into his eyes for a split second of course! You realize how juvenile that sounds, right? Spending more time on moments like this will drastically increase the quality of what you put out.
I complain about the Joker swearing, but in all honesty, that aside he is still far more canon in your story than he is in much of the others I have read.
There is simply no pacing in this story and very little coordination of plot. If you would reread this, you would find Jessica going through a whole rollercoaster day (again with over-rated drama when put in relation to the time it was given to play out) things slowing out to a decent pace for a short instant (usually when she is doing something to piss off Joker) and then she faints (and usually at a time when it is most convient for her if you'll notice). First off, rereading your story before you publish a new chapter will help you realize if things are going to flow into the new one before you post it. Secondly, it'll remind you of stuff you forgot, which you seem to do often. Jessica get the beating of her life then the next morning they are putting her in a Press Conference rather than letting stay in a hospital. Really? Or were her injuries not that bad? Injuries, specifically, you have a hard time keeping track of. Furthermore, actually reading and being honest about what you have will not only help you improve as an author, but make you realize it when you need to slow your writing down for the sake of clarity. The whole story feels like a movie played in fast forward-and who wants to watch that? Oh, and other readers may not have caught on to it but *I* sure did: Jessica seems to never spend more than a week with Joker, cummulatively, of course. Yet in the second book, she remarks that she had spent weeks and weeks under his capture. Even if I am wrong, you can't blame me. Look at the messy pace of this story. I mean, come on! Even when Joker gets her back-he pretty much turns around to surrender himself and her back over. Am I expected to believe he'd go through all that trouble in order to do that?
You might have thought that with how many times I mentioned it, that Jessica's being a Mary Sue was my greatest quam with this story. That is not the case completely. In my time reading many fan fictions on this site, analyzing them, picking them apart for all they are worth, I have discovered something huge about Mary Sues.
They are a result of either lazy or amatuer writing. Kind of just like everything else I have pointed out here in this review.
Mary Sues will generally occur in stories that have
1) poorly paced or unplanned/"rolletwheel" plotlines
2) characters not possessing clear boundaries of individuality in behavior and dialog patterns
3) characters failing to remain consistent in their established canons, be them original or not (graceful, realistic changes of heart not counted)
4) a gross favoring of "telling" over "showing" in narative approach; subjects where what is "told" does not conflict with what is "shown" and is done so intently and with proper "voice" given the nature of the narator are not counted in this
5) details of story which do not carryover through it with reasonable consistence (i.e. Injuries in one chapter which affect walking, seem to be gone in the next)
6) inconsistent or unfocused plot details or aspects of interest attributing to the plot (often a result of not planning in rule one)
7) moments of emotional or interpersonal significance given superficial lengths to be expressed
Of course your story doesn't fit all of these here.
Now let me make this clear. I am not some hater trying to pull you down and make it so you never want to write again. I am actually trying to help you because the truth is I don't think you are a bad writer. Quite the contrary, I think that you actually showed lots of talent given where you must have been at this time. That's why I want to be so brutally honest with you because it is the only way people ever learn
| Breeana chapter 30 . 12/9/2014
So good! I read this whole thing in 2 days!
| Protagonist Of Life chapter 29 . 7/19/2014
You've succeeded in making the Joker absolutely terrifying. Props
| Karatebunny64 chapter 5 . 6/12/2014
It's so easy to write the bad guy. And so fun!
| xXGlamorousGloraXx chapter 27 . 3/11/2014
Well Crane's holding her hostage and is civil, but still nothing yet has happened for Jess's rescue...
| xXGlamorousGloraXx chapter 26 . 3/11/2014
And the Joker is pissed off...and thirty six hours ago.
| xXGlamorousGloraXx chapter 25 . 3/11/2014
I guess aka Scarecrow came for her, and now that he has her things will grow intense again.
| xXGlamorousGloraXx chapter 24 . 3/11/2014
So far so good...though there are bad news will they grow even worse.
| xXGlamorousGloraXx chapter 22 . 3/11/2014
Yeah! I know its too soon to be happy...yes Jess can have her personal space and the sweet taste of freedom again...its been a while.
| xXGlamorousGloraXx chapter 21 . 3/11/2014
So the Joker killed her parents, all this time with the secret planning, it's coming clean now...but why does he want her so bad?...when did he see or find out about her long ago?
| xXGlamorousGloraXx chapter 20 . 3/11/2014
This is a sick obsession...the Joker will never let her go, come on someone help the poor girl...