|Reviews for Whispers down the Path|
| evil sasuke girl chapter 9 . 3/1/2009
OH MY GOD OH MY GOD HURRY HURRY HURRY AND UPDATE!
GOING CRAZY HERE!
| Kohaku no Hime chapter 9 . 1/19/2009
Second to last? NO!
I have very few grammar complaints this time, so you are in the clear. Just remember to capitalize and use periods.
Aww, Blue died...D:...NOO! But Seto got Moku-chan back, so that was all right...kinda...KISARA MOMENT!
Noa and Cordelia's intro to Seto made me laugh. And Seto hugging Noa made me feel oh so fluffly (yes, you read that right. Fluffly is a word!) And the two of them are a couple...:D...
Now they are going home...where hopefully Seto will confess his love to Ishizu-dono-maybe
You have done a brilliant job with this story and I wait for the last chapter!
P.S. My penname is 'Kohakuhime of KONOHA"...lol...
| SereneShadows chapter 8 . 1/12/2009
Oh no whats going to happen to Kaiba! I hope he don't get hurt! Very good chapter keep it up! .
| Kohaku no Hime chapter 7 . 12/30/2008
I am SO sorry I didn't get here sooner!
As of right now, Chapter Fourteen of TR is under construction and your story that I promised you is on hold until I get it typed; it promises to be the longest chapter of the entire story...did you R & R chapter 13?
Now, time for a little thing with grammar: First off, your chapter was either underlined or in italics (mainly in the beginning, when no one was thinking). I am assuming that you did not do that on purpose...
Again, keep an eye on your use of "your/you're" (remember: Yourposessive and You'reYou are)and other such words of trickery. I know those are hard to work around with, but keep at it-I only saw one instance of it this time!
Don't be afraid to expand your vocabulary a bit (Seto's "forgoing" issue had me a teensy bit annoyed). Using a word over and over again can become monotonous for the reader and they may start skipping over it entirely, thus missing crucial parts of the story. Also, try not to reiterate a point too much (i.e. Seto's pride for his brother). If you must emphasize a point, don't place it all in the same paragraph-space it out a bit over the course of the section.
Sentence structure time:
“But you don’t have him with you now.” Gozaburo looked around, pretending to search for Mokuba.
-put a comma after 'now' and insert the words 'replied as' after 'Gozaburo.' It seems you got the gist of using commas/periods in sentences, but be sure not to over-use the period part of it...the dialogue with Gozaburo and Marik was a little choppy.
Speaking of dialogue, there wasn't that much of it in this chapter. DON'T BE AFRAID OF IT! There are times where it can get tedious without having any commentary behind it and the reader can get bored, so don't be shy about having dialogue.
Now, onto the plot.
My dear, I know exactly which Dreamworks movie you derived the Foursome's location from-and considering that the civilization I am referring to is entirely dead, it was a very nice touch to have it make a cameo appearance in the Land of the Dead. I admit, I was disappointed to not see the jaguar come to life...but I have hope that perhaps that may come to pass...
Hmm, Noa has a knack for biting random body parts (I had a very weird mental image when I read that little bit about Noa biting Marik's CHEEK). And EGAD! Cordelia is gone! ACK! NO!
It seems that Marik is beginning to chafe a little under Gozaburo's restraining thumb...mayhap that be a bad thing for Gozaburo on the horizon...He better watch out, lest he be destroyed by his own pawn...D:
Anyway, my dear, keep it up! I anxiously await the next installment!
P.S. Everyone's yelling at me to finish my story...ees very annoying...I am working AFAIC...:D
| Kohaku no Hime chapter 6 . 11/23/2008
AHAHAHAHA! ISHIZU IS HOLDING KAIBA'S HAND!
Okay, my dear, the plot advancement is brilliantly written-but there are grammar errors out the wazoo here. There were a whole bunch of sentences that were either run-on or fragmented. A couple of those instances were:
"Since Isis was the type of person to hold quiet authority, it didn’t take much for her to get her way. Which happened a lot; at the present, Isis was gathering the things necessary to take the trip they would take. She also gave Kaiba instructions on what to do, and that he must follow them to the letter. Kaiba agreed of course, and he was following them ardently."
What you can do here for this sentence would be something like this: "Since Isis was the type of person who knew how to wield her quiet authority, it didn’t take much effort to get her way. At the present, Isis was gathering together the things necessary to bring on the trip that their group would take. She also gave Kaiba instructions, insisting that he follow them to the letter. Kaiba agreed to them, surprisingly enough, and he was obeying them without complaint." Also, for the first two paragraphs you referred to Ishizu as Isis, which was a little confusing within itself.
You also need to space out the action and USE PERIODS! Don't be afraid to use them-like in these instances (my corrections are in parentheses):
"The ride was long, and filled with silence, only the sounds of whirring complexity of Kaiba’s innovations..." ("The ride was long and filled with silence." You don't need what comes after the third comma)
"Her face held no discomfort, it looked composed..." ("Her face held no discomfort. It looked composed and tranquil;...")
"It wasn’t an unpleasant feeling, on the contrary, it was very enjoyable even if it was a little strange..." ("It wasn't unpleasant. On the contrary, it was very enjoyable-even if it was a little strange...")
And there were a few errors with the dialogue concerning Gozaburo and Marik:
"“Yes Kaiba is here, he finally caught up with his dear little brother.” He sneered in reply, his voice sounding distorted." (put a comma after 'brother' and de-capitalize 'He'.)
"“ True. I’d still like Mokuba, he is younger, and I’d have more opportunities with him.” Gozaburo explained." (shorten the space between the quotation mark and 'true', and put a comma after 'him'.)
There are a whole bunch more of the comma/grammar errors in the scene after Gozaburo and Marik strike the deal, but this review wouldn't cover them all. My recommendation to you would be to type your next chapter on Microsoft Word and use grammar check to fix the errors you may have. That way, you won't have to worry about me checking your grammar so much. (The reason why you should use periods more often is 'cause all the commas make it seem like you typed it in thirty seconds and spent no time on it)
But don't let all that get you down, my dear.
Your story is coming along beautifully. I was worried that Marik might actually succeed in capturing Mokuba, but gave three cheers to Noa, Blue, and Cordelia for their assitance. Yay them! I noticed that you used one of my ideas-sorta, and actually used more than one-and that made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. :D
And Seto arrives at last! I wonder how on earth he is going to cope with the Dead Body Swamp-let alone all the weird phenomena he's gonna have to face. Though, I'm beginning to notice that he is a lot more tolerant of the 'hocus-pocus' now...maybe cuz of Ishizu...?
Keep up the effort and don't let my grammar corrections drag you down,
Kohakuhime of Konoha
| Kohaku no Hime chapter 5 . 10/26/2008
"Isis was dead serious." LOLOLOLOL!
And was that a LOTR reference? From the third movie when Frodo, Sam, and Gollum were crossing that swamp? Interesting!
Ah, but gramar...
"It was never wise to be the source of Kaiba’s anger; the way his entire form would become the embodiment of his rage..."
Huh? What is this sentence saying? The part before the semicolon was perfect, but it felt like you cut off the second half of the sentence; you should probably have added something like, "...would be enough to scare even Gozaburo," or something to that extent.
Also, remember when to use 'a' or 'an'; Isis has barricaded herself in A study, not 'an' study-that makes no sense and sounds awkward.
"I see, well lets get started then, shall we?"
Probably, you should put a period after, "I see," and make everything after that a whole new sentence.
“I’m coming with you, but first let’s rest up.” Noa replied
Just put a comma after 'up'; since Noa is the one who's talking, and he's immediately replying, you don't need to put a period after 'up'.
But enough with the grammar!
Your story is brilliant, and it has not lowered from my first impression at all. The details of the children in the swamp had me holding my breath in suspense, and to find Noa was waiting for them was a huge relief.
The fanfiction thing is telling me to wrap up, so here's my review! Keep writing and don't give up!
Kohakuhime of Konoha
P.S. Plot Help again with "The Return." Please
| PlayTheGameWithBacon chapter 5 . 10/18/2008
Awesome chapter! It's getting really good! That part with Noa was great! I was soo not expecting that! Nice job keeping him in character. Everyone else likes to make him still be evil instead of having him keep up with what he said, trying to make up for what he did.
... I'm sorry, I could have sworn I reviewed at least once before. So sorry about that.
| Kohaku no Hime chapter 4 . 9/6/2008
*squeals* AN UPDATE!
Ahh...your grammar has vastly improved from the first chapter. But there are still some errors (a comma where it isn't supposed to be, and "you're" as opposed to "your"). But that's all I have to say on that. Excellent job on grammar/spelling.
And your story is getting better and better each time I read it! Moku-chan and Cordelia playing with the little shadow children had me going, "Aw..." And Mokuba's instinctive trust in the children was very much in character.
And, well well, Seto has decided to team up with the last two people in the world that he would ever be seen with: a walking horoscope and the midget (from his POV). This should be interesting...
Gozaburo must die.
Great story so far, you're doing a brilliant job,
Kohakuhime of Konoha
| Kohaku no Hime chapter 3 . 8/23/2008
Whoo-hoo! Chapter three is up!
Okilie-dokilie, so a little grammar again: i.e "Yes." his own voice...
When you do that, you need to capitilize 'his'. But I am pleased to note that you paid a lot more attention to grammar this time, so I am not going to go in a tangent about it.
The suspense is picking up greatly *huggles Noa and slaps Gozaburo before running away cackling?* and you FORGOT a plunnie? Oh...I'll be looking for it now.
Yayness for the fact it is NOT in italics.
Don't give up and keep on writing,
Kohakuhime of Konoha
P.S. I need some plot help for "The Return."
| Kohaku no Hime chapter 2 . 8/17/2008
At last! AN update!
Okay, so make sure that your grammar is all in order-y'know, 'its' instead of 'it's', 'your' in stead of 'you're', so on and so forth. I am also curious as to why the text is all in italics...but my email says you published twice, so maybe the second version is regular. _~
But the plot so far is splendid! Mokuba is learning to trust someone he barely knows, and Blue Eyes cuteness all around!
Keep it up,
Kohakuhime of Konoha
| RuberDuckling chapter 1 . 8/5/2008
Really luvd it- great idea. Keep going :D
| Kohaku no Hime chapter 1 . 8/4/2008
Ah-ha! So the story comes to life!
All right, everything so far is so incredibly delightful-the plot has my eyes glued to the screen.
A few grammar things here and there need to be checked, and you may want to show when a characters POV changes. I kinda got lost in POV's. Other than that, what you have is pure gold.
Keep it up and update soon,
Kohakuhime of Konoha