|Reviews for Caught|
| Guest chapter 1 . 2/26/2013
| Petticoats chapter 1 . 11/16/2011
I'd just like to take this opportunity to give you a few suggestions for things you could improve in the story. Most of these are just little spelling/grammar fixes, honestly.
"Nessie, I love you with all my heart, and I will love you forever. Will you marry me?" I asked. Just needed a little more punctuation there, and to separate it into two sentences.
This one is more of a suggestion than a concrete correction: "Oh yes, Jacob, YES! I will marry you. I would love to be Mrs. Jacob Black; it is all I ever wanted." Nessie told me as she put the ring on her finger and admired it.
"in Bella (and Edward)'s cottage." Is there any reason to have the parentheses there? Does it mostly belong to Bella, or something?
"You know what you need right now Jake?" "No, what?" You have only one space between these two quotes, though you need two.
"Less clothes," Whenever you continue a sentence after you end a quote, you should have a comma before the end quotation mark.
"Same with you." And with that, her shirt came off. S needed to be capitalized, and I feel that it should be two sentences.
"a pair of dears" I do believe you mean a pair of "deer", dear.
"Do you see this, Bella?" Comma.
"Well, uh, huh?" "What is the big deal? They are both adults and they can do whatever they want, as far as I am concerned." "Thank you, Mom" Nessie said. Need some more spaces between these quotes.
"Well, uh, that's different."
"Oh yeah? And how is it different?"
"Unfortunately..." Bella mumbled, "But that is because you were still a prude then."
Nessie volunteered, "I thought of it."
"can't deny her"
"If I did, then I would be a hypocrite, wouldn't I?"
"What do you mean, Bella?"
"Suddenly, Edward stopped walking and turned around to look at me with eyes that could be explained by the phrase "if LOOKS could kill."" This sentence is very wordy at the end. Perhaps you could consider using the phrase "if looks could kill" within the sentence, as a descriptor, instead of a standalone piece? For instance: "Edward stopped walking, and turned around, shooting me a look sharp/potent/poisonous enough to kill" Or maybe "Edward stopped walking, and turned around, staring me down with a look that could kill." Or something of that sort.
"I want to wait until marrage just like you and Bella did. Actually,speaking of that, what did Bella mean by 'being a hypocrite?'" When you have a quote within a quote, it is customary to use single quotes for the inner quote, and double quotes for the outer quote. Such as "And she was all like: 'WHAT did you do with your hair?' And I was like: 'It's called hair dye. You should try it, with THAT bland color.'"
"Look Jacob, I know that you will always give Nessie everything she wants, and that you want to be with her in every way imaginable." When you have the first "that", you have to have a second "that" to make the second thing he knows agree with the first.
"No, but if I EVER catch you two together like that again, you will be."
With that, we went inside.
"How about you two?"
So there are a few things you could improve here and there to allow the story to meet its potential.
Have a fantastic day, and keep writing!
| bananasrgood chapter 1 . 7/17/2010
im sooo sorry to say. i hated it. it seemed to childish. no offense.
| I-Will-Defy-Gravity chapter 1 . 2/1/2009
this is really good, its funny, you should continue. ]
| life takes time chapter 1 . 12/24/2008
That was cute!
I really liked the less clothes part, I lawled
But re-read you stories a few times before posting because there were some spelling mistakes, like spelling phrase as 'fraze' (that also made me kind of chuckle)
And I do believe you meant "If looks could kill" no "if could kill" or something like that. I also think that if you re-read some more you would also find more things to put in your one-shots, making them a bit longer and in depth.
Otherwise I really really really really liked your stories!
It was adorable.
| JeNeParlentPasVraimentFrancais chapter 1 . 12/2/2008
reviewing again! AWESOME! I was like hysterical! Now read MY fanfiction and cry!
| harrypottermeetstwilight chapter 1 . 11/26/2008
There is more right? The wedding right? PLEASE!
| spacechick08 chapter 1 . 11/15/2008
| Random Little Remus Lover chapter 1 . 10/26/2008
That was great! I loved "hypocrite!"
| Emberseve chapter 1 . 10/1/2008
AW! That was so cute! I LOVED IT! :]
| XxXcrimson.and.clover.XxX chapter 1 . 9/25/2008
id throw myself at jake too..
but more so edward p
| AudreyBethABBaby chapter 1 . 9/20/2008
lol my favorite part was when
"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?" Edward stormed in.
lol good job!
| Katanagirl16 chapter 1 . 9/20/2008
Nah, it wasn't suckish, I just think my Jacob/Nessie fic is better :D please read it.
| karaage chapter 1 . 8/14/2008
i thought it was awesome!
| IntoTheSkye chapter 1 . 8/11/2008
haha! this story reminded me of this really funny thing i found on the internet. it was a letter to edward from jacob and it went something like this:
just wanted to let you know that i will be doing your daughter in 6 and a half years.
i thought that was funny and your story was cute.