|Reviews for The New Moon|
| attu chapter 1 . 12/28/2008
It's semi-ok. I still can't wait for it! Just don't rewrite it to differently, ok? I really liked it the way it was, but if you think this will make it better, go for it! And thanks to Cordria for betaing it! You guys will make a great team! :) I agree- I've fallen in love with this story, too. Good luck! :)
| musiclover9419 chapter 3 . 12/7/2008
Oh...that's hope to see the reviseed version up soon!
| bloodmoon13 chapter 3 . 12/7/2008
Okay... it's your story but please don't change it too much. It's such a good story already and it has so much potential and unluck so many of the stories here, your's has decent lengths of chapters and flows so well.
You actaully care about the quality of the content and don't rush it like others on . Please get the new story up soon though. I want to see how you rewrite this.
| Ill Lasanga chapter 3 . 12/7/2008
Aww... I was afraid you died and wouldn't be writing anymore. *sigh* Oh well. Make sure your muse is still working with you on the new version, becaus I REALLY wasnt to see the rest of it.
Random Last Words,
Cee Cee The Critic
| Cordria chapter 3 . 12/7/2008
DARN YOU I GOT MY HOPES UP WHEN YOU POSTED THIS! *screams and glares evilly*
| c-los chapter 2 . 10/1/2008
love the way this story is going hope you finish it soon
| Cordria chapter 2 . 9/22/2008
I will, without QUESTION, beta this story. I read it and I've fallen in love with it. (: You mentioned that you didn't know how beta-ing worked. I'll give you a quick rundown first, then do my review of your first two chapters, okay?
There are a couple ways that beta-ing can work. You'll have to pick which you feel most comfortable with - I'm willing to do any that I mention here.
-One: I just read chapters after you post and be rather evil in the review. I'm not a big fan of this one, but some people like it.
-Two: You send me the chapters before you post them. I'll read through them, make a variety of comments (I try for about half unabashed flattery and half constructive comments), and send it back. You can do whatever revising you wish before you post it. You can even send it back for a second beta-read through if you wish, some people do. If you want to do this option, we can either set up email contacts or set up a FFN beta link with the DocX program. Whichever you prefer. Email seems easier to me, but I'll go either way.
-Three: This one's not REALLY an option, but I couldn't figure out how else to say it. (; It's just about how deep you want beta-ing to be. I can beta every chapter, or every other chapter, or whatever you wish. If you want, I can just be a reader of the chapters and not know what's coming (I can't help out with plot much, then, because I don't know where you're going), or we can get into a dialogue about plot and how the story will run out (I'd know the ending and the plot outline). I'm not entirely sure how much help you really want or need.
Be warned, I'm not the 'nicest' beta-reader. I WILL speak what I think and it's not going to be all lovey-dovey. I see the whole point of beta reading to making you a better writer... and I keep to that. Let me know what you'd like - I won't feel put-out by your choices. It is your story.
It's very 'Dare Devil'-esque with the 'blind can see' concept - which is a fun twist that I might borrow for a drabble (and give credit to you, definitely). I can definitely see some influence from Lacey52's work (Art of Conversation especially) in your story. Since she's an awesome author, that's not a bad thing. I also am really liking the way your story 'flows'. You have a generally good sense of cadence and sentence structure when you write, which is a breath of fresh air compared to many of the stories on FFN. And your grammar/mechanics/etc are fantastic - I only spotted a few errors... probably fewer than I would have had. And the story was just 'fun' to read. It kept me moving and reading the storyline.
You mention at the very beginning that you use a lot of description and maybe not enough dialogue... I have to say that my favorite part of both your chapters was the first part of the first chapter. No conversation at all. (: Go figure. I was drawn into that part and I just loved it.
Now, the part I think you need to most work in (in merely my humble opinion, of course) so far is continuity. There have been a number of continuity errors so far... and it's only been two chapters. It's really important to set up how your characters work and what they can/can't do so that it stays the same throughout the story. Lots of readers on FFN won't pick up on it - FFN is not exactly a bustling hive of talented readers and writers - but small continuity errors can turn away some of your more 'advanced' readers.
For example... he wakes up because the sun is shining, then later you say he can't 'see' the sun, moon, or stars. So what did he wake up to? Or your first chapter proclaims 'Esperanto' to be the language of the ghosts, one no one else can really understand or translate, but then in your second chapter, Danny speaks fluent Esperanto in class and nobody seems to care. You'd think that if you have a kid that can speak Esperanto, while the town might not jump to 'half ghost', they'd definitely jump to 'Hey! He can translate for us!'
Some quick questions for you to think about:
-Can Danny read? It sounds like he can 'see' shapes, but would he be able to see print on paper? If not, how does he get by in school? I assume he couldn't see his reflection in the mirror (since he checked his appearance mentally), so I assume he can not read (and, likewise, write). If he CAN read... how in the world does he explain that to his teachers? That's something that wouldn't go unquestioned, in reality, by a school... and by some of your more alert readers.
-Can, or can he not see color? He knew what color his clothes were, but then he says he could not see color. Another small continuity error or at least something vaguely unexplained.
-When he did learn to speak Esperanto? Was it just something that he 'knew' after he became half-ghost or did he have to learn it? Has he taught it to Jazz?
-Does Jazz know about his 'sight'? She seemed to know everything else about him and it kept coming across like she knew, but at one point in the first chapter you put in a cryptic sentence that made me think that no, she didn't. On that train of thought, how much does Jazz know about her half-ghost brother? Is Danny more secretive, or does he tell her /everything/?
-How did he learn to play the flute? Does anyone know he plays the flute, or is that a ghost-thing? If it's a ghost-thing, why did he decide to learn to play? Does Jazz know why he plays the flute at night? What does she think about it?
-Speaking of, where did the flute come from? Will you explain in the story? I'm interested, now!
-Since Tucker, Maddie, and Jack spend so much time around Danny, if they ever got close enough to Phantom would they be able to see the 'something different' in his eyes - the blindness - would they recognize it? Just how much contact has he had with them in his ghost form?
-Where did the new costume come from? Did he get his ghost-powers in a basically cannonic form, or was it something else? If he did activate a ghost portal (which I assume, based on your short summary), why did he go in? How much of the 'accident' do his parents (and Tucker) know about?
-Will Vlad be making an appearance? If so, what will he look like? Will he play an instrument too (maybe a cello or something)? _
This is an intriguing story. The characters seem a little under-developed, but they have this potential that makes little fireworks go off in my head. I read the first chapter this morning, snuck off to work for a bit, and then had to finish reading when I got home, and your 'Danny' character was stuck in my mind ALL DAY. I love the idea of him playing some sort of spectral instrument... (in my mind it's more oboe or recorder-like than flute... not sure why...) and the idea of him speaking a different language struck some kind of chord inside of me.
That might be part of the reason I liked your first section so much. It was just so... gorgeously created. You took a well-known character and threw him into an AU without any apology, no holes barred. That took guts and it really shows off your talent well. You described him really well, threw in enough 'extras' to make us understand the world around him and really connect to him. This could have been an OC and you would have had me hooked with that section.
You mentioned that you had plot problems for the upcoming chapters. I can help you with those, if you'd like. You'd have to tell me what you had planned for the future and I'll see if I can come up with a variety of suggestions. XD Plotting is fun.
I will continue to watch this story - I'm excited about it!
| anonymous 666 chapter 2 . 9/20/2008
excellent story so far. very intriguing ideas ... great chapter length and easy to read. useless bit of heresay(?) I heard ghosts can speak and understand any language. Always on the PS3.
| MaxRideNut chapter 2 . 9/8/2008
LOVEY! AWESOME! CONTINUE!
| Writer's-BlockDP chapter 2 . 9/6/2008
Sweetness! The random Esperanto thrown in there just makes it more believable, and I LOVE the whole "ecto-sight" thing. Way cool. :D Definitely one of my favorite fics out there; keep up the good stuff!
| Ooshii Kurai chapter 2 . 9/6/2008
Oh. So Danny is a goth in this? Well I can certainly see why- being blind at such a tender age, and losing his sight so violently... he probably has a lot of reasons to feel morbid. Not to mention being half-dead.
So enter new kid, Sam Manson. Looks like we are gonna have a little bit of romance in this story after all. Which makes me wonder who Phantom is speaking to in the sneak peek, Sam? Tucker? I'm putting my bets on Sam.
This chapter was much better than the last. It was easier to read and had a much better flow. I still love the Esperanto inserts. Very intriguing.
I do have a few questions. Who knows about Danny being a ghost? Does Jazz know, or does she simply know that he can see because of the portal accident?
And is Danny wearing the bandana around his eyes? I would have thought it would be more subtle to wear something like sunglasses. Blindfolds tend to attract attention, but I guess if it goes with his gothic attire.
Danny does seem much more outgoing in this story. Which granted, Tucker did say seemed uncharacteristic of Danny- because of Sam. But I do feel if you were humbled by something like blindness and then sudden returned sight... that maybe you would hide the fact that you could suddenly see again. Or perhaps deny all facts of being blind. Danny's showing off his abilities like some sort of parlor trick might give him some trouble if people start to piece together when Phantom showed up and when Danny had his accident.
Or not. It is your story after all. I suppose we shall see when we shall see. I look forward to your continuation. Keep up the good work!
| Golden Mean chapter 2 . 9/6/2008
I, for one, think that Danny should have told Tucker about Phantom. Given the context of the story, it makes sense that he didn't. But it was still a stupid thing for him to not do.
| attu chapter 2 . 9/6/2008
Hey! This story has a really good plot! I think that Danny's being blind is a really cool twist in the AU, along with him speaking Esperanto. I wish I could speak it! I really can't wait for the next chapter- I love it!
Thanks for the awesome fanfic!
| KHFREAK14 chapter 2 . 9/6/2008
neat-o story! i think the 'blind Danny' thing is a very interesting twist in the story *gives author 5 kookies* update soon!:D
| Ill Lasanga chapter 2 . 9/6/2008
Aww... DxS wuv, SO KYUUTE! (insert fangirl scream)
Let's see, Tucker is just the matchmaker, Sam barely knows anything about anyone, and Danny is the guy that got caught in the middle. WOOT! This is a perfect beginning for an awesome AU! (insert ANOTHER fangirl scream)
I liked that DannySam both were/are Gothic, and also that he stuck up for her. Tucker has been noticing mutual affection with those lovebirds too, so he probably wants some blackmail material.
Snd who doesn't love a good ghost story? Keep it up, I've got more critque if you keep writing.
Random Last Words,
Cee Cee the Critic