|Reviews for Piercing Through the Dark|
| Frozen Nitrogen chapter 1 . 8/21/2008
I very much enjoyed that start. First you have the Author Voice, which is something I havn't seen used well very often, so kudos on that. And then you have Shadow at breaking point, written like he's in a fight or something...
But no. He's moving furniture. Extremly well set up, I must say... but that dosn't quite counter the fact that Shadow would NOT help Amy move furniture. Nope. Never. Gratuitous OOC, right there.
On the other hand, Sonic throwing his chip bag one-armed over-shoulder into the bin without looking was a sweet bit of IC.
Then we go on, I spot a petty proofreading error, but I'll point it out anyway:
"Didn't expect to see you here, either. So...how's it going for you, anyway?" Sonic stated firmly.
He didn't STATE firmly. Or any other way, because the quotation ended in a question.
Then ye write:
Both of their eyes widened. "Great, Egghead's at it again, I suppose." Amy said in disbelief. "Does that guy ever give up." Shadow agreed with a fist high at disposal.
High at disposal? What does that mean?
And then you go on to switch scene to Robotnik, in a manner much requiring of the horizontal bar to seperate 'Amy's Apartment' scene from 'Eggman's Mountaintop Fortress' scene. You do it AFTER Eggman's scene, so why not before?
Shadow being terse with Tails: good, and IC. I liked the way Sonic's inquiry didn't snap the fox out of it, so Shadow just yells at him. :D
AND the fact that Tails can't figure out the intricies of the Doctor's machine is something I appreciate a lot. Loads of writers seem to forget that even though Tails is smart, Eggman is still the top dog mad scientist. Much kudos for that.
So yeah... I see a lot of potential here. The only thing I don't like, beyond the petty formatting / language errors I've pointed out, is that Shadow helping Amy redecorate is OOC. But you seem to have him back in IC by the second half, being generally surly to everyone. Muy bien!