Reviews for Potion Peril
Vola chapter 8 . 9/25/2008
I almost forgot a few points! :0

Your end was a little anti-climactic. No big boss battles to end it, in fact, no fights in 7 or 8 at all. The last thing they fight is a giant squid, not too original or exciting. The ending did not really resolve much.

Also, you probably could have squeezed chapter 8 into 7, seeing as it’s so short.

Anyway, I look forward to your next arc etc.

P.S. You should know who I am. My name gives it away to you, if you remember.
Vola chapter 8 . 9/25/2008
I think you could have done better if you had someone to edit your work. There're many times in which the story is interrupted by the way you formed your sentences. Good grammar is the key to conveying a story. If you can't read it out loud with it making sense, something needs to be change.

I noticed that you took some of Cas' advice, but you seemed to have sacrificed grammar for description of action. I think you should go back and fix whatever does not make sense, re-word, edit, and improve; if at all possible. I think Black Panther's Knight could help you with your edits, as could I to some extent.

The fact that you warn about Shonen-ai content probably drove a lot of would-be fans away. I did not appreciate the insinuation that Llednar raped Marche and that is the only hint at this content aside from comments made by a few characters and Llednar's own thoughts. Also, it is completely unrealistic (even in fiction) that one who got raped would want to be friends with (let alone lovers, if you were going in that direction) the person who raped them.

Aside from all that, it was a good story. I look forward to the next one and hope to see some improvement in your writing style.