|Reviews for In My Dreams Tonight|
| Larissa Fae chapter 1 . 2/19/2009
All of my "shoulds" and corrections are suggestions (unless it's spelling/grammar errors) that you don't have to follow.
"in hundred different places"
It should be "in a hundred different places"
You use an excessive amount of colons. The part about the looking glass flickering makes it seem like the glass itself is flickering, not the reflection of light. "Flickered oddly" might work, if it's supposed to be sort of surreal. I'd also state right off that it's fractured. That way the reader has it in their mind, and also helps to explain the flickering.
"something utterly plain and simple that she almost tore it off."
Something that was SO utterly plan and simple that she almost HAD to tear it off? Or something she almost tore off because it wasn't hers?
This seems a rather medieval-type setting. "Nightie" wouldn't be used. Nightgown would. All the numbers need to be spelled out.
"memories of those unspoken 2 months from 5 years ago, that period of her life she refused to acknowledge around her right now, a solid reality she could not easily escape from."
The memories part should be explained. Did they come crashing back? Force their way to her conscious mind? Make her sick as she realised where she was, and remembered how she'd escaped?
"that period of her life she refused to acknowledge around her right now,"
Is she refusing to acknowledge it in her normal surroundings, or is it a period that she'd previously refused to acknowledge that is now surrounding her?
"since she last entangled with them"
Hair & sheets get entangled, locks get tangled with. /entangled vs. dictionary./Tangle_with
"have to run shoeless to"
"have to run, shoeless, to" 'shoeless' is an interjection, therefore should have commas.
"Fingers frozen from their task"
"Fingers frozen at their task" 'from' makes it sound like the task froze them.
"whenever he was apparent ... first time she met him"
'apparent' means "not actually being what appearance )". "in the room" works better, also, what's the scent doing? "first time she had met him" It needs to indicate past tense more.
"not have caught with her"
"caught up with her"
"sneering lips peeling back from pearly teeth, musty cold breath cast across her face."
Your prose, it has a purplish tint to it. Too many descriptors.
"Oh no Aoima"
Commas, commas are your friend. "Oh, no, Aoima"
rag tag rag-tag, well controlled well-controlled
"one's bones" The bones belonging to one.
"and drawing from the room"
"and withdrawing from the room" When you leave, you withdraw.
"She lunged forwards"
"She lunged forward"
"swallow both him and her"
"swallow both of them"
"the pain that occured"
"the resulting pain"
"where he stood over her"
To be holding her, he's probably kneeling.
"Standing up ungainly"
"Standing up unsteadily"
"bad dream.” She mumbled,"
"bad dream,” she mumbled," 'she mumbled' is a continuation of her speech, describing how she said it, therefore needs a comma and to be lowercase. "bad dream." She mumbled it as she straightened her nightgown." would work for the period and capitalisation.
sensitive looking sensitive-looking
"and to inspect it himself"
"and inspect it himself"
What did he guess? Or did you mean "“I guess.”" as in he guesses she hurt him?
"You’re dreaming about"
"You were dreaming" or "You've been dreaming"
well intention well-intentioned
"neither of them could accurately surmise when the past would finally ensnare Aoima with any certainty."
"with any certainty" reads oddly being at the end. 'accurately' and 'certainty' have much the same meaning; I'd use just one.
*dies* And there's your friendly neighbourhood beta for the day. . All technical since I'm not familiar with the game. Bug me later about the other chapters. Also, I like it so far.