|Reviews for The Quest|
| natalieisawildflower chapter 1 . 2/13/2011
poor yugi's never gonna get to walmart again. wonder how happy he'd be with the pharoh then? great story.
| SkaterGirl246 chapter 1 . 2/12/2011
Hahahaha! Omg best story EVER! I was laughing through the whole thing!
| Tower of Babel chapter 1 . 7/7/2010
You have an excellent voice. Your story flowed very well. A few parts need polishing, but overall nice work.
There are a few things I'd like to point out, however. When you have inner dialogue, try to use italics. And when inner narrative is used, never use with inner dialogue. Try to adopt one or the other in your story. I noticed you attempted to use both in one paragraph, or that's how I read it. It makes for easier flow and reading. And when you begin descriptive narrative, start a new paragraph; don't mix with inner dialogue. Just easier to read and it won't confuse the reader.
What is an "aibou"? I didn't understand this term. You need to describe, however brief, what this is... Not everyone is an expert or can remember everything in the Yugioh universe.
Try to be more subtle with Yami's voice. Some of his language used sounds contrived. Try to be more casual, but not too much. Yami is a 5,000 year old ancient Egyptian pharaoh (and not Japanese as you had him near the end). Yami would speak a form of ancient Aramaic in ancient times, but with Yugi, he adopted his used language, possessing his body to communicate.
And one more thing, when making a time change from day to night, use either separators like ***, starting a new paragraph, or try a gradual change like "Day became night, as Yami made his way back to Yugi's residence with his loot..." or something along that range.
Overall, excellent work! 9/10 for effort.
| SRRH chapter 1 . 9/27/2008
That. Was. (laughing uncontrollably) Brilliant. Simply Brilliant. I almost wish there was more too it.
| swordiemercenary chapter 1 . 9/11/2008
I love it!
It's definitely funny!
you should write one with kaiba or bakura as the character...hehehe...
| Kohaku no Hime chapter 1 . 9/7/2008
I have tears in my eyes from laughing so much...XD...ah me...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I don't understand why no one reviewed this, so I claim the honor of first review-if Atem doesn't randomly steal it! HAHAHA!
Kohakuhime of Konoha