|Reviews for King of Bandit|
| Lord Otello chapter 12 . 10/4/2016
Hey, great story! Does it have an ending? Are you planning on writing some more?
Seems you need a beta, you have some grammatical errors, but, it's quite fine :P
(and some spelling ones, care to consider an automatic spelling checker?)
Weird second prophecy, mmm
| crusherman5 chapter 7 . 3/25/2016
| draco7347 chapter 12 . 6/6/2015
love this story so please new chapters
| Hope6968 chapter 12 . 1/1/2015
Fabulous story. I am truly enjoying it. Thank you for your wonderful imagination. Can't wait to see what comes next. Hope.
| Alex2909 chapter 12 . 12/24/2014
really like this version of june more. love how the two siblings treat each other
| Makarva chapter 12 . 12/23/2014
12 chapters in six years?
| anthony.pengelly.10 chapter 12 . 12/23/2014
good hope for more
| ElementalMaster16 chapter 12 . 12/22/2014
PLEASE UPDATE SOON! (_)
| Penny is wise chapter 12 . 12/22/2014
Awesome chapter. Glad you didn't forget about this one.
| Guest chapter 11 . 10/9/2014
you are amazing the detail is just perfec keep keep up the good work
| Cuddly Cat chapter 2 . 10/6/2014
Why you kill Lily? And what is up with the lack of reaction from Harry over finding out his mom is dead, hell he banged Hermione not even 20 minutes later, after just meeting her, knowing she has a boyfriend and ignoring the fact that her parents were there.
And she gave her parents such a bullshit reason for running of with him too, "we are going to look around the ferry", really? I cant believe they actually bought that, they just saw the two of them making out in the deck and would have probably have seen them go into the restroom together as well. Are they thick in the head, they are dentists so they must have a higher level education in order to get such a profession, they should figure leaving their daughter with a strange boy alone, after having caught them together is all kinds of stupid.
Also how the hell did the death eaters even get on the ferry in the first place, and at that instant as well, it's just too perfect, plus the fact that since they were on a ferry that meant they had to apparate onto a moving object, which is nearly impossible with how hard apparating is said to be.
If I were to find out my mom died after not seeing her since I was four and finding out that at the time I left she was pregnant, which may have explained her behavior at the time and the reason for her not being there for him, I would be devastated. Also he had just found out that he had a baby sister that he has never even met, and the first thing he does is decide to have sex with the witch next to him, that is messed up.
I am just stating the facts, I do not mean this as a flame, just pointing out mistakes in the story, I mean it as constructive criticism as do I intend all my reviews to be. (Unless it is me gushing on about a story or wishing for a pairing with all my heart)
| Cuddly Cat chapter 11 . 10/6/2014
Frankly all the random Ocs without any actual back-story are really confusing, and you seem to be trying to pair a lot of the secondary characters off which is going to make it hard to keep up with so many relationships in the future, frankly most of the OC girls seem like fuck-buddies or how he called them "close-friends" he has, and the guy OCs are usually related to the female OCs.
Another thing is that you are making the weasly's in this chapter way out of character without reason, I mean Molly was blowing a fuse 3 chapters or so back because they were defending themselves and now she is fine with something like Ginny sitting on the lap of a boy she knows nothing really about. Plus the stealing of a gem seems kind of pointless really, and way off the left wall and random, plus he is going to be a teacher soon so he would need to curb his stealing habits. You also at first stated that it was Dumbledore and his manipulations and the fact that it was his fault that Harry was ostracized from the family and that it was him that suggested for Rose to be mean to her brother in the first place. Now Dumbledore is supposed to be a good guy, and Harry has no hard feelings and will work under the man, hell no, huge plot hole and contradiction there.
Frankly I think multi pairings would damage your story rather than help it, as for Rose and June I don't think they should get a pairing it would just be weird, and seem more like a fling than anything since they have already been at hogwarts for several years and Rose has shown no interest in pursuing a relationship until her brother popped back up. I mean I could even see Rose with Harry since they had no childhood together really to speak off same with June, hell I was mentally prepared for it coming to that with the summary and the fact the sole reason he came back was for them.
He never even saw June growing up, or even be born, they are just really strangers that are no longer even related by name, so a relationship between them would not be that weird. Hell you can make it so that he had to purge his blood in order to be able to do some of the magik's that he does, or for a summon and is no longer related by blood to them. Anything just please don't add too many side pairings for the story or barter off the girls and put them with random OC guys. So far I am rooting for a Rose x Harry pairing.
Also something i noticed from your writing is that you have a repeating pattern going on where you have one interaction whether it be with a person or a scene, a fight, then another interaction maybe meeting a new character or something, and another fight, and so on and so forth. After a while though the buildup between the fights became really weak and became kind of nonexistent, while the fight scenes were well written, some characterization would be good as well as some out of combat dialogue. But I observed that in later chapters you became a bit better with this aspect.
Too many action scenes can be a bad thing if there is not build up in between them, also a lot of the characters are really shallow and need characterization and actual personalities, plus the dialogue seems pretty dry at times. And the relationships seemed really rushed especially with the clerk girl and Hermione, who had sex with him just way too quickly (few minutes after meeting him) and one was even in a relationship at the time, hell he never even knew the clerk girls name. And most of the parents of the girls seem just fine with with him and then him leaving like nothing happened. Jing did not actually have sex with any of the girls usually at most 'stealing' a kiss from them before he left and most of those girls parents were not alive or a part of their lives like in the story.
All in all though loved the idea itself and the fight scenes were well detailed, and a lot of the scenes such as the one with the sirens and the coffee shop were original and well written. Your grammar is usually spot on with few mistakes which are usually just forgotten words rather than spelling love some parts of this story to death and other parts seem really out of place and unneeded.
| WolvenDevilClaw chapter 11 . 8/28/2014
awesome fic, i cant wait for the next chptr
| Danielams chapter 11 . 8/13/2014
Right now it seems like you are about to steal something from another author, or it may be from one of your stories, but the thing with the diamond, and taking Ginny, to kind of use her as a disctraction while he steals the diamond or something. I can remember reading something similar somewhere.
| Thrans chapter 11 . 7/30/2014
Please Please Please don't end this like so many other stories do, and have a 3-5 person harem and palm the rest of the cast off on each other. If you don't want to include Incest Rose could just decide no man could ever match up to her expectations (someone equaling Harry) and just stick by him as a live in nanny/Aunty for his many children. And remember that no male will happily loose or hand off a girl who their involved with, men are petty and don't like to share their toys, so please please please don't make the mistake of pairing off main or secondary characters (e.g. Hermione, Gabrielle, Tracy, Susan, Katie) with OC's because it seems like to much work to have a large Harem.
Large Harem stories are like actual relationships to write, they take a lot of work and can seem very possessive, but the reward for putting your all into it can lead to far greater satisfaction than a more easily written small Harem story.