|Reviews for Undying|
| Sarifina Filth chapter 2 . 10/10/2008
I read the second chapter, and it seems way different from the first. It's like a total turn around! One moment she seems unquestionabley sick and has been cut off from the world for her own good, the next, he lets her go near people and she seems perfectly healthy! It's like it's a whole different story. It also creates more questions that I hope are answered in the next chapter!
| Storm Princess chapter 2 . 10/10/2008
SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG TO REVIEW! Yeah, that got your attention, didn't it :) Serious Peach is something I usually don't like, usually 'cause people write her a little to emo, but you do really good at keeping her in character, and keeping a dark side to the story. I haven't had much of a chance to get on FFN lately, life's been pretty crazy, so I might not be able to review your chapters right away, at least 'til things calm down a little. Don't think it's because I've lost interest, I swear that won't happen ;)
| mariosonic chapter 2 . 10/9/2008
Thanks for reminding me, though it feels good to know that my opinion is worth something.
With this chapter it seemed that Peach already knew stuff before they happened, such as when Mario enters the ice-cream shop and Peach describes it even before she 'actually' knows that he's there. In an effort not to preach to the choir, you just need to watch on how you word things and the events going on around the central character. First person perspective is truly achieved when you only describe events as the character can, or does see them.
Another thing I saw was that you were telling us what to think instead of 'showing'. It takes more effort but is well worth it when the reader is led there instead of being hastily dragged towards an actual conclusion, such as if something is wrong or if there is a change in someone's emotion. An example would be to instead of saying someone is angry, to say that their smile changed to a frown, the edge of their lips deepening into a scowl.
Hopefully I'm not being harsh, just hope this helps you write better. :D
| Rock Raider chapter 2 . 10/9/2008
Nice work on this fic here, & I mean really nice work.:) This is quite the story. I wonder what's up with Princess Peach. At first, I assumed it was stress that caused her headaches & illnesses, but now I think this is something like that movie REC (the original movie that the upcoming flick Quarantine is based on). Maybe Peach is turning into a Koopa. Perhaps she contracted some kind of virus that has been quarantined in that lab & lead to its shutting down. Maybe THAT'S why it was. You think so? Also, I hope Skyri is alright for Keres' sake. She's his fiancee after all, & I'd hate to think of what he'd do if anything happened to her. Will we find out what's up with Peach? Perhaps soon. Also, I never really LOOKED for the references, or knew of them. However, that was clever, especially in how you hid the reference of Cloud Strife in Sky Land. I figured since it was SKY Land, the Cloud Delivery Service was based on clouds, know what I mean? Anyway, I like this fic, & look forward to more of it. Update soon.
| ZADRookie chapter 2 . 10/4/2008
LOL! I knew it! When you described the running cactus at the spa door y thought: "Mhmm... just like the FF cactuars". I missed the sundae, since I had never seen the DMC anime. And the Delivery Service I did recognize.
Anyway, nice chapter. And it was GENIUS to use the 100th kidnapping as a celebration. Very original! (I think none ever had the idea of using it as material for a BxP story, CONGRATS!).
I'll be looking forward to chapter 3. Cheers!
| DMan51 chapter 1 . 9/30/2008
I like the way the story is going, and I can feel the suspense building up in me keep up the good writing
| Ginkyofu13 chapter 2 . 9/30/2008
cool keep it up!
| Ninjamuffin13 chapter 2 . 9/30/2008
Hmm... missed the Dante ref, though that's not surprising what with my not having played that series. Half-caught the Cloud one. Strongly suspected the cactaurs.
Bowser's a bit like a seven year-old. Ice-cream fights, quick temper, disproportionate pride for simple accomplishments... I'm not bashing, mind you, just noting.
Also, I'm pretty amazed Koopas can go out and buy new shells. I mean, they're removable, yes, but they're also organic. Somebody has to grow them...
Course, that just opens the issue of Koopa culture and how they view the removal of your shell in public/ wearing a shell you didn't grow yourself. Though, doubtless there are shell donors for those who are injured, in a similar vein to organ donors...
But, I digress. Back with Bowser.
Don't forget that he's more than a giant kid or a hopeless romantic or even a monstrous powerhouse of a turtle/dragon. You don't become, and subsequently stay, king without being at least relatively smart. Or shrewd, at the least. It's fun to portray him as an over-the-top romantic goofball who can crush you should the need to protect Peach arise, but you can't forget that his brain does indeed work.
Though, again, I digress. Character and setting analysis is something I tend to get into and ramble about.
One final nitpick: "I'm not sure why my appetite has grown all of a sudden. It's as if I need to replenish energy I don't remember using up." If this is a misdirection, it's not bad. Kinda odd, but not bad. If it's not a misdirection, then you probably want to avoid things like it in the future. It's a bit obvious for a hint and it's a little too insightful for Peach to be thinking if she's supposed to be in the dark about what's going on. Try for something more of a rationalization than theorizing. (Worrying about Skyri and the intruder making her hungry, or even speculating that relaxing itself builds up an appetite are more likely tings for someone to come up with, for example.)
Sorry for the rambling, just trying to offer some good 'ol constructive criticism. Still liking and reading the story.
By the by, are Shy Aways female Shy Guys? Or just Shy Guy subset that happens to have girls?
| James Birdsong chapter 2 . 9/28/2008
| Siran 774 chapter 2 . 9/28/2008
Pretty much a chapter where Peach hangs out with Wendy? I really enjoyed it!
| HitmanPAC chapter 2 . 9/28/2008
Nice chapter. Like the last one, there are bits where I persoanlly would use different grammar, but the story is interesting. I really like your attention to detail; the pipes in particular impressed me with your description. They're usually taken for granted. This mystery is getting interesting; I look forawrd to seeing what you do with this story!
| HockeyFreak chapter 2 . 9/28/2008
Once again, you've managed to pack a lot of action into a small amount of writing. I envy your imagery...I feel like I'm watching a show on TV! Everything is incredibly vivid and realistic.
I also appreciate how you let Peach bond with Wendy a bit. Nothing I've ever read has done that, and I always wondered how she felt about being stuck in a gigantic castle(s) with seven brothers and no one to talk to about girl stuff except the servants.
| Walkazo chapter 2 . 9/28/2008
I especially liked the food-fight part: I can totally see Mario and Bowser duking it out with ice-cream XD However, I thought the part with Skyri's note was a tad superfluous, like it didn't really accomplish anything. I did like Wendy making an appearance, though: that was a good idea _
The part with Peach and the ice-cream was very intrigueing, espeically since it DIDN'T bother Wendy, so obvioulsy Peach's condition isn't merely her turning into a Koopa... I can't wait for more X3
| ebtwisty9 chapter 2 . 9/28/2008
Not a very revealing chapter, but I like it that way. Gives hopes this delicious story will last a while longer.
Collecting clues...e I can't wait to see what's happened to her for realz. :D
Lovely scenes. Hahaha I laughed when Wendy was talking about eating ice cream, because it sounded just like the hypothetical "what-if-a-koopaling-ate-ice-cream" conversation we had once. C:
Also...I was the first you saw using Wendy's "like"s? :o That's pretty nifty. I guess I was the first I saw using them, too, 'cause before I started writing my only knowledge of the koopalings was from wikipedia and the games. ;)
Mre cannot wait for your next update! SUCH a mysterious, exciting story.
| LUKBY chapter 2 . 9/28/2008
wendy is just awesome a food fight with ice cream that was Hilarius
post scriptum: mario suck ...forever bowser and Peach