|Reviews for Undying|
| HitmanPAC chapter 3 . 10/13/2008
Great chapter! You're keeping the suspense on what happened to Peach well maintained - you're giving us stuff, but we still don't really know anything, and that's a good thing. It's making me so curious! Anyway, another great chapter. I look forward to the next one!
| Ninjamuffin13 chapter 3 . 10/13/2008
Meat, shaped like popcorn... with butter.
That sounds both horrifying and insanely hard to make. (meat cubes, on the other hand...)
A little rushed-looking in a few places, but not so much on the whole.
Also, I note the actual use of Shy Girls now. As nurses. Not surprising, as no one likes a male nurse.
Arcade hallway of infinity! Like the never-ending staircase of death from Super Mario 64. I always wondered why they never cast a loop like that in a place that would cause Mario to starve or drown or some such thing. Eh, besides keeping the series alive, I mean... Must take tons of magic to keep up.
Getting home will most likely be a huge problem. I doubt Bowser's gonna be letting her out of his sight in the foreseeable future. Though, really, a Darkland doctor should be just as good as a Mushroom doctor, since I doubt word of her 'condition' has traveled far beyond the royals and their retainers. Plus few darklanders would have the gall to lie to the Princess Peach.
Course, I'm beginning to wonder if this isn't one of those 'it's all a dream' deals, what with her slipping back in chapter one.
Or, maybe, everything's real, but she's completely wrong in her suspicions and something else is going on. Whatatwist!
Oh and hey, just noticed, We got Peach's first documented transformation. And she can breath fire. AND SHOOT LASERS!
Or maybe not that last bit.
It's weird not reading Ludwig with a German accent. Still heard it in me head, though.
And... That's all for now.
P.S. Ever notice all the sweets Bowser seems to eat? He must have a killer exercise regime to work all that off.
| DMan51 chapter 2 . 10/10/2008
Sorry I took so long to review, the direction the story is going is pretty amazing I caught the easter eggs of Cloud Strife, but didn't know about DMC though. Anyway I wander if Peach is developing a darkside? Keep up the writing.
| Sarifina Filth chapter 2 . 10/10/2008
I read the second chapter, and it seems way different from the first. It's like a total turn around! One moment she seems unquestionabley sick and has been cut off from the world for her own good, the next, he lets her go near people and she seems perfectly healthy! It's like it's a whole different story. It also creates more questions that I hope are answered in the next chapter!
| Suit of Storms chapter 2 . 10/10/2008
SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG TO REVIEW! Yeah, that got your attention, didn't it :) Serious Peach is something I usually don't like, usually 'cause people write her a little to emo, but you do really good at keeping her in character, and keeping a dark side to the story. I haven't had much of a chance to get on FFN lately, life's been pretty crazy, so I might not be able to review your chapters right away, at least 'til things calm down a little. Don't think it's because I've lost interest, I swear that won't happen ;)
| le dead chapter 2 . 10/9/2008
Thanks for reminding me, though it feels good to know that my opinion is worth something.
With this chapter it seemed that Peach already knew stuff before they happened, such as when Mario enters the ice-cream shop and Peach describes it even before she 'actually' knows that he's there. In an effort not to preach to the choir, you just need to watch on how you word things and the events going on around the central character. First person perspective is truly achieved when you only describe events as the character can, or does see them.
Another thing I saw was that you were telling us what to think instead of 'showing'. It takes more effort but is well worth it when the reader is led there instead of being hastily dragged towards an actual conclusion, such as if something is wrong or if there is a change in someone's emotion. An example would be to instead of saying someone is angry, to say that their smile changed to a frown, the edge of their lips deepening into a scowl.
Hopefully I'm not being harsh, just hope this helps you write better. :D
| Rock Raider chapter 2 . 10/9/2008
Nice work on this fic here, & I mean really nice work.:) This is quite the story. I wonder what's up with Princess Peach. At first, I assumed it was stress that caused her headaches & illnesses, but now I think this is something like that movie REC (the original movie that the upcoming flick Quarantine is based on). Maybe Peach is turning into a Koopa. Perhaps she contracted some kind of virus that has been quarantined in that lab & lead to its shutting down. Maybe THAT'S why it was. You think so? Also, I hope Skyri is alright for Keres' sake. She's his fiancee after all, & I'd hate to think of what he'd do if anything happened to her. Will we find out what's up with Peach? Perhaps soon. Also, I never really LOOKED for the references, or knew of them. However, that was clever, especially in how you hid the reference of Cloud Strife in Sky Land. I figured since it was SKY Land, the Cloud Delivery Service was based on clouds, know what I mean? Anyway, I like this fic, & look forward to more of it. Update soon.
| ZADRookie chapter 2 . 10/4/2008
LOL! I knew it! When you described the running cactus at the spa door y thought: "Mhmm... just like the FF cactuars". I missed the sundae, since I had never seen the DMC anime. And the Delivery Service I did recognize.
Anyway, nice chapter. And it was GENIUS to use the 100th kidnapping as a celebration. Very original! (I think none ever had the idea of using it as material for a BxP story, CONGRATS!).
I'll be looking forward to chapter 3. Cheers!
| DMan51 chapter 1 . 9/30/2008
I like the way the story is going, and I can feel the suspense building up in me keep up the good writing
| Ginkyofu13 chapter 2 . 9/30/2008
cool keep it up!
| Ninjamuffin13 chapter 2 . 9/30/2008
Hmm... missed the Dante ref, though that's not surprising what with my not having played that series. Half-caught the Cloud one. Strongly suspected the cactaurs.
Bowser's a bit like a seven year-old. Ice-cream fights, quick temper, disproportionate pride for simple accomplishments... I'm not bashing, mind you, just noting.
Also, I'm pretty amazed Koopas can go out and buy new shells. I mean, they're removable, yes, but they're also organic. Somebody has to grow them...
Course, that just opens the issue of Koopa culture and how they view the removal of your shell in public/ wearing a shell you didn't grow yourself. Though, doubtless there are shell donors for those who are injured, in a similar vein to organ donors...
But, I digress. Back with Bowser.
Don't forget that he's more than a giant kid or a hopeless romantic or even a monstrous powerhouse of a turtle/dragon. You don't become, and subsequently stay, king without being at least relatively smart. Or shrewd, at the least. It's fun to portray him as an over-the-top romantic goofball who can crush you should the need to protect Peach arise, but you can't forget that his brain does indeed work.
Though, again, I digress. Character and setting analysis is something I tend to get into and ramble about.
One final nitpick: "I'm not sure why my appetite has grown all of a sudden. It's as if I need to replenish energy I don't remember using up." If this is a misdirection, it's not bad. Kinda odd, but not bad. If it's not a misdirection, then you probably want to avoid things like it in the future. It's a bit obvious for a hint and it's a little too insightful for Peach to be thinking if she's supposed to be in the dark about what's going on. Try for something more of a rationalization than theorizing. (Worrying about Skyri and the intruder making her hungry, or even speculating that relaxing itself builds up an appetite are more likely tings for someone to come up with, for example.)
Sorry for the rambling, just trying to offer some good 'ol constructive criticism. Still liking and reading the story.
By the by, are Shy Aways female Shy Guys? Or just Shy Guy subset that happens to have girls?
| James Birdsong chapter 2 . 9/28/2008
| Siran 774 chapter 2 . 9/28/2008
Pretty much a chapter where Peach hangs out with Wendy? I really enjoyed it!
| HitmanPAC chapter 2 . 9/28/2008
Nice chapter. Like the last one, there are bits where I persoanlly would use different grammar, but the story is interesting. I really like your attention to detail; the pipes in particular impressed me with your description. They're usually taken for granted. This mystery is getting interesting; I look forawrd to seeing what you do with this story!
| HockeyFreak chapter 2 . 9/28/2008
Once again, you've managed to pack a lot of action into a small amount of writing. I envy your imagery...I feel like I'm watching a show on TV! Everything is incredibly vivid and realistic.
I also appreciate how you let Peach bond with Wendy a bit. Nothing I've ever read has done that, and I always wondered how she felt about being stuck in a gigantic castle(s) with seven brothers and no one to talk to about girl stuff except the servants.