|Reviews for Till The End of Time|
| No-Rhyme-Just-Reason chapter 1 . 10/20/2011
I agree with most of what your previous reviewers have said. Severus is severely out-of-character here. Not that a relationship with Hermione wouldn't loosen up some of his stiff ways; but it would take longer than a one-shot to morph him into this less-reserved personality. Rather than just summarizing the reasons for his transformation in a paragraph or two, you would have to *show* the changes as they gradually happen, using both character dialogue and actions to do so gradually and realistically; which would take many, many more chapters. In addition, Severus has a rather informal way of speaking and acting here that might "work" better if he were being portrayed here as a teenager, maybe with Lily as his female love interest; or otherwise with Hermione in a "time-turner" type fic.
Rather than go through all this, it'd be better to just have kept him more in-character, and written his personality (along with the scene of the marriage proposal) differently. Maybe have him and Hermione at a quiet dinner for two at an upscale restaurant when he pops the question. Given Severus' natural reserve, combined with his history with Lily, I think he'd be unlikely to risk possible rejection and disappointment by laying his heart and hopes on the line in such a public manner like you've written it here; as just a few months are not enough time to overcome decades of being someone else entirely. The other characters could then later be invited to an engagement party to offer their congratulations after Hermione has accepted.
The proposal itself is quite romantic and well-written; and includes many of the things he'd probably be thinking, whether or not he'd phrase them all in just that way. I think it was good that he gave Hermione opportunity to think things over (if she'd wanted) for an "I-love-you-but-I-want-to-wait-a-bit-before-taking-that-step" type response; but then that's incompatible with the "just one syllable" stipulation he places on her in the same sentence. Also a *12-carat* ring sounds pretty unrealistic. If you want to make it super-unique and special, maybe you could describe the design in more detail; or create it out of some costly specialty gems found only in exclusive locations within the wizarding world.
One thing none of your previous reviewers have mentioned; but a good writer rarely inserts themselves into their fiction stories. You would not use the pronoun "I" unless either writing in a preceding (or subsequent) author's note (A/N); or if the story is written entirely first-person from the viewpoint of one of the characters (a workable but rare approach). Phrases like, "But anyway, he's not the main character of the story," and "oh I mean" are both unnecessary and jarring to the narrative. They take your readers out of their immersion in your story.
On the positive side, you display fairly good spelling and grammar here. I found few errors in spelling or punctuation (i.e., nice call on the rendition of "fiancé"); and I especially liked the part where you italicized Severus' /inner thoughts/ to set them off from the rest of the paragraph. Many times when beginning writers use this device, they mistakenly either paraphrase or summarize the thoughts, where they should be a literal word-for-word presentation from a first-person character perspective. You did not do this; and so this helps to make your work look more polished.
Sorry for the length of this review compared to the length of your story; but I like to be specific as possible in pointing out both strengths and weaknesses, and hopefully you'll find this helpful to improve your writing in the future.
| Skyla Rivka Snape chapter 1 . 2/22/2011
Okay, just saying my ONE GREAT pet peeve on FF is NAMES! I think u have great potential as a writer, cause I love OOC stories, but Snape's name is Severus TOBIAS Snape, and Hermione's name is Hermione JEAN Granger. Thanks!
| OldFashionedYouth chapter 1 . 7/1/2010
Sorry, but no! Snape was extremely OOC, which is never good. The only thing that this Snape and J.K.R. Snape have in common is the name. He looks different, he talks different, he acts different... That's not working for me! Neville wouldn't call him Severus that soon, and Snape would never let Harry, Ron, Luna, Neville, Ginny... call him Sev. I think only Hermione can call him Sev, maybe Minerva (not sure) but others no! He would tell them to call him Severus not Sev! Also, I don't think he would propose in front of everyone! He would do it when he was alone with Hermione, or maybe, just maybe, during a dinner with friends! After all this bashing, I have to tell you good things too, right? It was rather romantic, Snape would really say that (the proposal speech). The teasing was cute, also might happen (in private). I like the way you write and you should keep it up, don't let one not-too-good story stop you. Just try to keep your characters as they are in the books/movies/tv/whatever!
Peace & Love,
| vuyr chapter 1 . 10/12/2009
It was OK, but Snape is very OOC. I hate that you cut his hair, change his clothes... It's just not the Snape that we know and love. I don't think that Neville would get past his fears that soon and just called him Sev. I like the way you write, but try to keep you're characters in their role (I know it's hard, but that's the beauty of it)! You have Snape acting like a teen. Sorry to be so harsh. But as I said good writing so keep writing, don't let a few mistakes stop you. Take care!
| Twili chapter 1 . 2/16/2009
All i can say is AW!
| silveredges chapter 1 . 10/16/2008
i think sev was taking it a bit far
just a bit
more than a bit on second thought
he is rather OOC
| m4severus chapter 1 . 10/2/2008
Severus is very, _very_ OOC. I normally don't complain, but I hate it when Snape is acting like an infatuated teen.
Don't take it the wrong way - the story is nice, it's just the characters that don't fit :)
| Olympia chapter 1 . 9/17/2008
For further writing, you may be interested in this site: /sapienti_university_of_magic It's a role playing site based on the Harry Potter world.
Either way, good luck with your writing and I look forward to reading more.
Olympia Collins, SUM student
| debjunk chapter 1 . 9/16/2008
Her teasing him was cute, and his 'real' proposal was beautiful. Lol, I loved that the whole Great Hall was cheering.
| notwritten chapter 1 . 9/15/2008
This is such a sweet beautiful story. Thank you for sharing it. Keep smiling. :-)
| eac-dudette chapter 1 . 9/15/2008
aw that was the cutest thing ever!