|Reviews for Second Choice|
| BecomingInsane chapter 1 . 8/10/2009
I really likes this, great idea, well written! To be honest, though I will soon be one myself, all I have to say is: Women! 'I don't want to be a second choice!' Well that's the best you're going to get. Lol. :P
| LizTheFlyingDutchman chapter 1 . 3/10/2009
echt helemaal top
| dirty-icing chapter 1 . 12/16/2008
i lovd it...great story
| TomOrli BloomingWell chapter 1 . 12/6/2008
The character of Kayleigh seemed slightly marysuish to me. Her concern for Will's well-being seemed very forced, I suppose it's because you did not really reveal much of your character besides from her being a "medium-sized" girl (whatever medium is considered to be) and "a pleasure to see" with black hair and "a permanent smile on her face". In addition to this, "boys loved her" and she is so attractive that she has to have a boyfriend at any one moment of her life.
Your grammar and style could be improved. One suggestion would be to never start a sentence with a subordinating conjunction.
"But if only the visits were everything, she wouldn’t be concerned."
The syntax in this sentence is very messy and could easily be reworded into something like: 'Her concern was not only limited to his unusual visits to the Botanical Garden but also to his strange elusive behaviour whenever the couple was in the company of others'. Such a sentence cuts down on the length of the story yet reveals all that the reader needs to know. I would suggest a beta-reader as there were few spelling errors in your story, betas are always helpful for improvement in grammar and structure.
The use of italics in order to show Kayleigh's thoughts is slightly immature and I suggest that you not use it too freely. It may be grammatically correct but it makes your story flat, without dimension.
I'm afraid your story wasn't quite believable to me. It just doesn't seem plausible that Mary Malone would ever reveal the secret to a girl she had once met at a bungalow. However, it was a great insight into the love that Will so strongly feels for Lyra. Will's stroking of the "imaginary" cat was a nice touch and adds the element of parallel universes being tangible only if we truly believe.
| Asuka Rui Uchiha chapter 1 . 12/4/2008
i think your story was PERFECT!
| wishyfishy chapter 1 . 12/1/2008
Okay, out of the ones of yours that I've read, I like this one the best. It gets to the point without going fast. It has enought detail to tell what's going on. It was a good short story. I liked it. I really liked her point of veiw. Though, I would have like to see more of her feelings about the whole thing. But over all I liked it.