|Reviews for Secret|
| Draenator chapter 9 . 12/16/2011
•It drags whenever you dump information. People, especially those with secrets (Bella) o those with "issues" (Edward) don't do the sharing-game unless they're in private and have become friends. Work? Not conducive to personal chats.
•Keeping Edward from knowing she's Charlie's daughter doesn't make sense; he's now her link to the department and would have the clearance to know such a thing - plus he'd need it to be prepared for protection detail.
Another plot hole: a single column in a a newspaper wouldn't bring a reporter to infamous status even if it's written in such inflammatory style… especially in the Internet age. It's too close to "normal" to suspend disbelief as you would if, say, it was set in the '40s or something.
| Draenator chapter 6 . 12/16/2011
Okay, I know this is an older work, but I have a few comments. I have no idea how you've improved or if you've written anything else, so I'll just comment on it as a whole. I'll try not to be harsh but I'm not the most tactful person
Inaccurate/unrealistic criminal behavior (bomb in a warehouse to kill off SWAT? No way, too much attention - especially if it succeeded), Charlie nearly violates police PR policies as far as giving Bella quotes goes, and Edward's issues are too spelled out and given away in a big blob.
Before you write a story like this, you should research crime in Seattle. I'm pretty sure the Triad (Chinese) or Organizatsiya (Russian) are dominant as far as organized crime goes (since they all border the Pacific) and I wouldn't be surprised if Seattle is a hub for human/drug/weapon trafficking considering it's both a port city and near the US border. It's also not realistic for Bella to have an "in" so high up in the Underworld that they would know about a major plot like taking out an entire SWAT team - she grew up rurally and the daughter of a cop - when the he'll would she meet anyone from the seedy underbelly of the city? Plus journalists aren't paid that well and information always has a price - money, leniency, etc.
Basically what you needed to work on here is subtle foreshadowing, pre-writing research (urban combat tactics and equipment, applicable laws, etc) and how to weave a character's background into the flow of a story.
On the plus side, your grammar and formatting are pretty good, although it would be nice to see more change in writing style between POVs besides cocktalk and swearing. For example, Bella could use more extensive vocabulary, (having a writing/English related major), different sentence patterns, and be more introspective to contrast an Edward that (along with sometimes thinking with his dick, as all men do) is more outwardly observant, an adapter, and cynical. Or you could just stick with one POV. A lot of times it adds to the suspense if you only shadow one character.
And… yep. I'll try and read more though.
| gatorgrl91 chapter 23 . 12/6/2011
OK-First, I have to say...I LOVE this story! How you've woven your own "unique attributes" into each of the character's personalities & added the dynamic punch of Law & Order meets "Harry Bosch" from Michael Connelly's book series! :)
Second, I have to say...I'M SCREAMING AT MY iPhone SCREEN AS I READ! MAN UP PEOPLE! :) I mean, what's up w/Edward "letting" Bella leave like that? Could he not be his "stalkerish" self & drive by her house on the way home THAT night? And can we say "text message"? Cell phone? Have her & Rosalie stay together?
Ugh! So many solutions, so little action done by these CooCoo Love birds! :)
I hate angst. But at least its tolerable IF E/B are together!
***I wish I could stake a claim in Edward, but I'll have to settle for the posters I have hanging in my closet! :)
| samily chapter 39 . 11/28/2011
love, love, love it!
| samily chapter 36 . 11/28/2011
| samily chapter 35 . 11/28/2011
I knew it!
| samily chapter 34 . 11/28/2011
is it jay?
| samily chapter 33 . 11/28/2011
cute! I hope Edwards ok!
| samily chapter 32 . 11/28/2011
is victoria bellas informant? Hmm..., another fab chapter, can't wait for Edward to propose!
| samily chapter 31 . 11/28/2011
take victoria down!
| samily chapter 30 . 11/28/2011
who is bellas source? LOL so frustrating!
| samily chapter 29 . 11/28/2011
I really hope the mole isn't emmett or trigger
| samily chapter 28 . 11/28/2011
that seems to easy on why he got caught...maybe he wanted to? Haha I love knowing that I can keep reading and find out ;)
| samily chapter 27 . 11/28/2011
I'm so nervous about whats going to happen haha. P.a amazing job!
| samily chapter 26 . 11/28/2011
finally! Haha p.s I'm so addicted to this, I came
accross it today and havent managed to put it down!