|Reviews for I Write The Stories|
| Shiki chapter 29 . 11/25/2014
Sigh...I really want to read when Tifa beats the living hell out of Nicholas...
| SilverWhiteDragon chapter 29 . 1/22/2014
...aaaaanddd...looks like the epilogue never got written/posted...*sigh*
| JadeDawn chapter 27 . 7/21/2011
*claps* props for the hilarious slight Twilight bashing XD
| Miki Hoshigami chapter 10 . 6/10/2011
If someone actually drew the alter egos of Cloud and Sephy, I...
It would be an extremly late/extremly early birthday/Christmas present to me.
THAT IS ALL.
| Shinigami Clara chapter 2 . 11/22/2010
... brick wall... you could try using other descriptive words you know.. it's been repeated several times already and it gets frustrating... try 'unforgiving' or 'harsh/hard' or even 'marble like'
i'm sorry but i have to say this, you wrote:
"…as she prepared to run away, she found herself looked into his cold eyes, but what was that? There was something else in those eyes now. Compassion? Remorse? The desire to have forgiveness for being so cold? It was all answered in one simple answer, a simple brush of lips against frightened ones that were hesitant to accept the others lips because it was hard to realize that these lips were part of a brick wall that had failed to realize she had even spoken, but her lips seemed to soften as the once brick wall's lips slowly slipped and massaged over her delicate ones."
it was answered in one simple answer - try: "the answer was simple" or "the answer to her unspoken question was clear"
how many times did you use the word lips! you don't have to say it so many times for people to know you're talking about lips you know. Lets not forget the huge run on sentence
"a simple brush of his lips against her frightened ones; she was hesitant to accept the others'. It was hard to accept that these lips were part of the 'brick wall', the one that had failed to acknowledge that she had even spoken. Nevertheless, she softened against his once unforgiving frame and allowed his lips/tongue to slowly slip in and explore her delicately (or her delicate mouth)"
i know the urge to write extensively and elaborately when you're trying to make it seem like you're writing like a professional author but really, it just makes you more likely to write unlike an professional. You know what they say about trying too hard.
no offense. but this is the second time i've seen this in two chapters and couldn't resist
| EccentricFox chapter 2 . 11/21/2010
I don't normally read AU FF7 stories, usually stick with the good ole' time travel genre and though I'd seen your fic about a hundred times while I was searching through the archives, I hesitated reading it until now.
I was...reluctant to read your story but thought it worth a look at, at any rate (since I've read pretty much everything else that caught my eye).
...I'm a little disappointed...but mostly confused.
I haven't read enough to know exactly where this story is headed, but I have read enough to know that you need to work on your sentence structure and choice of words. Perhaps have a beta go through your earlier chapters and neaten up what you've written. I'll give you an example:
"It was all ANSWERED in one SIMPLE ANSWER, a SIMPLE brush of LIPS against frightened ones that were hesitant to accept the others LIPS because it was hard to REALIZE that these LIPS were part of a brick wall that had failed to REALIZE she had even spoken, but her LIPS seemed to soften as the once brick wall's LIPS slowly slipped and massaged over her delicate ones."
You'll noticed I've highlighted some words in upper case (I don't think bold tags work in reviews). These words you've repeated unnecessarily and to the detriment to your writing. I don't know if your point was to make Sephiroth seem like an amateur author, but that's how it comes across. Not only this, but the sentence itself makes little to no sense whatsoever. Don't be afraid of the full stop. Break up your sentence, make it understandable; give it pause and emphasis and suspense. Use your punctuation to your advantage and read everything back to yourself not once, but ten times and if something doesn't seem quite right, then that's because it isn't. It might mean having to read over it another ten times but your writing will be all the better for it.
Below I've re-written the same passage, I tried to keep to the same number of words (68), but only managed to get it to 73. I've also kept the same concepts that you wrote in that particular section, but I hope you'll see what I'm getting at.
"The answer became clear with a simple brush of lips against her own. Disbelief had her quivering within the circle of his embrace and instinctively, her arms came up to touch his chest, sure that this was some cruel illusion. He was warm beneath her hands. Warm, real and alive. This brick wall who she had believed unaware of her very existence was here with her, his mouth gentle, almost hesitant against hers."
Another thing, if you can say something with three words, say it. Don't over-complicate your sentences, it just makes them harder to read:
"I went down the road to the store that was on the corner so that I could buy the newspaper that had this morning's news printed boldly on the front page."
"I headed to the corner store to buy today's newspaper." - These two sentences say the same thing, but with varying degrees of success. the second says just as much as the first and in about a third of the word length, it's easier to read and still conveys the same meaning. Tighten up your sentence structure and really think about what is essential to the story and what is simply idle frippery. This review itself has taken me probably 45 minutes or more to write, because words ARE important and you need to treat them with a little more care and consideration.
I'm still going to try reading ahead, but honestly, I don't think I can persevere without some serious skimming. You have a workable idea here. Find someone to help you edit it and be ruthless with yourself. Really ask yourself if all those words are doing your story any good or if they're just getting in the way. Even if you love some parts, you have to be prepared to cut them out entirely.
| Burning In The Dark chapter 29 . 9/27/2010
I am eagerly awaiting chapter 30... (:
| Burning In The Dark chapter 21 . 9/27/2010
I love your story :) don't get me wrong with what I am about to say. Just trying to help.
I love the story... but the spelling and alot of other stuff needs to be worked on... PLEASE do not get angry at me for trying to help. You have an excellent plot... but your characters are changing and all so easily their character... changes so easy. How you write some things... can confuse some readers... as to how much time has passed... I think you would benefit from a Beta _ but if you don't want one... I completely understand...
I hope this helps... now I shall keep reading... :) I really like the story... you can reply to this... but don't get angry at me please... I am just trying to help you.
| Random reviewer chapter 6 . 9/24/2010
I'm likin this story so far, but I thought you should know that something is wrong with chapter 5. Every time I go too read it it won't let me. Normally I'd complain to the site admin bout something like this, but I figured I should tell you first since it's your story.
| DarkBombayAngel chapter 29 . 9/23/2010
Awesome chapter. -
| Dragi chapter 29 . 9/23/2010
poor cloud :( wonder if cloud will ever be the same :( looking forward to read the next chapter to see what will happen next.
| Dragi chapter 28 . 9/6/2010
:O this is getting more and more exsiting :D looking forward to read more so update soon :D
| DarkBombayAngel chapter 28 . 9/6/2010
Awesome chapter. -
| DarkBombayAngel chapter 27 . 9/1/2010
I love the chapter. -
| Wintersheart1766 chapter 26 . 8/31/2010
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WANT MORE! WANT MORE! WANT MORE!WANT MORE! WANT MORE! WANT MORE!WANT MORE! WANT MORE! WANT MORE!WANT MORE! WANT MORE! WANT MORE!WANT MORE! WANT MORE! WANT MORE!THANKS FOR GREAT UPDATE! THANKS FOR GREAT UPDATE! THANKS FOR GREAT UPDATE! THANKS FOR GREAT UPDATE! THANKS FOR GREAT UPDATE! BUT TOO SHORT! TOO SHORT!TOO SHORT! TOO SHORT!TOO SHORT! TOO SHORT!TOO SHORT! TOO SHORT!TOO SHORT! TOO SHORT!TOO SHORT! TOO SHORT!
WANT MORE! WANT MORE! WANT MORE!WANT MORE! WANT MORE! WANT MORE!WANT MORE! WANT MORE! WANT MORE!WANT MORE! WANT MORE! WANT MORE!WANT MORE! WANT MORE! WANT MORE!