Reviews for Avatar: Last Firebender
Guest chapter 3 . 8/29
Only just finished chapter 2 and i must say your doing a bwautiful job so far. Everyones in character and im even watching the real ATLA along with it. To the northern water tribe we go!
Ganheim chapter 10 . 12/6/2016
Chapter 10
History is a set of lies we can all agree on-
[Amusing bitter cynicism, but missing closing period]

that, "ReBirth of
[Rebirth]

the new "film" medium
[They called them Movers in the Legend of Korra]

reduces Katara little
[to little]

annoying is it's reduction
[its]

why I called you here…Hama was in the room uninvited
[If she was called, she was invited. Only if she barged in (which wouldn’t be called) would she be uninvited]

scout the area surrounding the area
[Repetition]

ambushed in the dead of night by Air Nomads
[Wouldn’t that be at least as likely now that they’re not a known presence? Even if not active combatants?]

you will, not, interfere
[Commas are pauses in clause, ellipses for pauses in speech (or periods to indicate ‘barked out words’)]

not understand.." here
[?” Here]

wench from lady
[a lady]

eye show's not
[shows]

clearly indicated that the girl was a waterbender
[That would only be certain if she was bending from it. This could be a scholar, enthusiast, or forger]

before realizing just what had happened
[Why would she not keep up the façade? She has no reason to give away her identity yet]

series of violent raid
[raids]

fast as she could
[Without her disguise…]

He's going off and fighting
[He was off fighting

smashed through it like glass
[Glass is a very strong substance, crystal is pretty universal in its delicate structure]

YOU" Katara's rant was finally cut off
[Passive, backpedaling. When you break to a new character, break to a new paragraph]

Agni she had retired
[Passive. The whole paragraph takes us out of the action and away from the characters, though I understand you’re trying to rush the story along]

being "deserters" some
[,” some…though I want to point out this is all implied in the argument between Hama and Katara and feels like an Exposition Dump that slows down the plot]

they look forward
[looked]

having one faction, winning, no matter who it was
[1: one faction win, no matter who…, 2: this is the same justification that led to millions of dead in warlord power grabs in Japan, China, Persia, and everywhere else ambition overtakes people. Not sure if Hama would be wise enough to think about that, though, as the sentiment might be something of a post-nationalist thought that might not see a rise in this world until Korra’s era]

Chapter 11
more a creators
[as]

underhanded deals and tricks to rule
[That’s still conquest]

kingdom had it own
[its]

Clubbed baby seals
[But that voids the warranty]

Slowly they began to get larger
[As this is a fantasy universe with active magic, you might want to avoid implying that people literally change size – which this does. ‘they landed’ isn’t as exciting, but also doesn’t imply a wrong meaning]

"idiot!"
[Idiot. Also: there are a lot of people in this scene, and you identify almost none of the dialog. It’s important to know who’s saying and doing what, especially in a tense scene]

and help a band that already has people after them
[That’s very astute]

"I'm a girl!"
[The audience didn’t know. We also don’t have a clear picture of the Who and Where, with the who being a particular point here]

the winter." Azula lifted
[Source Mixing: when you break to a new character, you need to break to a new paragraph or you muddle the source of the action. Without a character description, the formatting indicates Azula says this because she’s the only named character in the paragraph]

gone on at the docks
[This day? If it’s a long time ago, we need a note of the passage of time]

Terribly thing, those
[Terrible]

as Azula began calmly walking away
[No way would Azula turn her back on an enemy. She might watch him leave, smirking]

bow and arrow is all but dead
[Um…no. Even if you’re fighting the Air Empire, not ALL of their forces can bend. Even if you fight a complement with air benders, archers can force him to engage in defense instead of offense. Anybody can learn to use a bow, only Benders can practice Bending]

Chapter 12
microcosm; an extreme microcosm
[unneeded semicolon and repetition]

temple accessible by
[temple was]

were truly born
[passive]

supply based filled
[base]

were notorious secretive
[notoriously…but this shouldn’t apply because following their own leadership seems what you’re referring to instead of hiding themselves from the world]

"Uggh!" Azula made
[Does not set the scene. Yes we all know you’re building off an established world, but you have the freedom to change it significantly and just closed a large foreward where you did so. You now have to show us where we are so we have a better idea what isn’t there because it’s not the same as the canon story]

something no firebender could afford
[Seemed like it was the only thing they could all afford to waste]

the nuns were wary
[They’re no longer nuns, they’re assassins]

Azula's flame wasn't blue for nothing
[That flame DOES take more energy]

watch as the killed
[they]

Raising his voice,.
[missing words?]

Zhao waited till
[A till is an item money is placed in (or a verb for upturning earth for agriculture). ‘til is a contraction of “until”. However, you didn’t give a description of Zhao being in the scene until now. His mention regarding the armor plate means little given the number of times we have Telling. If his presence is important (and it is with the tantrum indicating a relationship/personality development) we need to see him reacting to the conversation earlier to place him there]

Sorry monky but
[, monkey,]

You're cooperation
[Your]

One second I've
[, I’ve]
day or two.
[two.”]

and was now trying
[passive]

sneer of distance
[distaste]

insanity', that leaves
[-,]

Hama shrugged; death
[. Death]

crouching down she
[, she]

few basic kata's
[katas]

of day Azula
[day,]

branching her feet
[bracing]

corner, instantly Azula
[. Azula]

with a bit brains
[bit of]

neutral aberration? I'll
[There’s a lot of these mistaken words. Are you intending to portray Jamayang as an idiot trying to use bigger words than he knows?]

hoping it would come to this
[not come]

prevents sound from moving through the space
[Which would also disable conversation]

seemingly noticing Malu
[Weak description. Does the author know? The scene is written from Jamayang’s perspective, either he notices or he doesn’t]

You're continued feud
[Your continued feud with]

the past with has
[-with]

the Easter Air
[Eastern]

Interesting variation, but there’s quite a few technical problems that with the passive or Telling hold back what could be a riveting narrative.
Ganheim chapter 1 . 9/8/2016
Chapter 6
Azula rushed out
[She was just thinking about the value of subtlety, with her disguise wouldn’t she just walk past and whisper “we need to meet at a rendezvous point”?]

this was beyond surprise
[You still haven’t described anything. You’re having characters react to something we have zero information about, so what’s to say it isn’t paranoid ramblings from hunger delusions?]

Whale-Wolf posses very little blubber
[Blubber is used for buoyancy and aids endurance, animals without tire easily and die quickly when faced with small changes to environment. One of the reasons humans fare so well in so many environments is the higher fat-content enabling distribution from feeding times to hunger seasons]

with an appetite for meat
[They haven’t been around enough for quips like this to come up on the spot yet]

take it with us than have one Zhao's trackers find it and follow it
[Not mutually exclusive]

for your stupid Koans
[koan isn’t a proper noun, it doesn’t need to be capitalized]

fit only for scavengers
[Even normally grazing animals are opportunistic. I’ve seen a horse eat a wounded bird that landed nearby, for predators and scavengers to eat and move around bodies should be almost expected]

clean it out or the microbes in the ocean will make it worse
[Depends on the severity of the wound. If it’s serious enough that microbes would add to the infection you’re likely to die of infection anyway and if not the salt wouldn’t be extremely likely to help appreciably]

Chapter 7
only Sokka was willing to go on an all meat diet
[As Sokka himself mentioned in the Sozin’s comet arc, he has more jokes than just “I like meat”, so this is boring. Diversity of nutrition is vital to avoid malnutrition, starvation, and death, and he’d know that or he wouldn’t have sampled so many things through the series]

there weren't any other animals lodging
[After Sukara there wouldn’t be]

destruction of the Fire Nation colonies
[Would these colonies even have been established without the sequence of fire nation imperialism that happened in canon?]

Lordy name to be
[to me?]

refuse and request
[a request]

hard to breath
[breathe]

whole is came
[it]

to waist the energy
[waste]

readied it's messily
[“its” is the possessive of it. “it’s” is the contraction “it is”]

Azula's service. "Your civil
[Who’s saying this? You don’t clearly identify an agent, Bumi is also mentioned in this paragraph]

This could be interoperated to say firebenders
[interpreted. Interoperate means “to work together”, which granted they often do]

finishing move looked like
[looks]

in the perfect firebending stance
[There’s no such thing as a perfect stance, just one for a purpose. The problem is you’ve shown him to be strong and adaptable, with Azula tiring. Without any concrete details, she wins because THE PLOT DEMANDS instead of clever resourcefulness, which always breaks suspense of disbelief]

Aang send his greetings
[sends]

going to be cake
[Waiting for “it’s a lie” joke]

trip down had not been fun
[Telling, passive summary after-the-fact. Give us the events as they take place, like a movie showing the events happening, don’t turn off the projector and have the director come out and tell us what should’ve happened]

be earth bended open
[bent?]

"Please calm down
[You need to set the scene: give us the who (you only mention Zhao), the where (is this in a ship? Fixed hospital? Requisitioned mansion? Field tent?), the when if necessary]

sitting down with a Guqin (Chinese string instrument)
[Telling. Describe it with specific, concrete details. “the sound chamber resonating as he set it on his knee” gives us action and description]

"."
[I hate empty ellipses (they don’t describe anything), but this is even less. Not even character attribution (you imply Sukara, Katara, and Sokka are also right there)]

Fortuneteller? There's no such thing
[Wrong, there are MANY. She just doesn’t believe in them]

steam was actively rising
[steam rose]

Zhao was already headed down the stairs
[He’s ambulatory now? This is another reason you need to concretely set the scene before jumping into things. We can’t know where things are going if we can’t figure out where they are to start with]

threw the door open
[Fine…but now we don’t have any description of the who/where/what inside and you dump dialog on us before any new characters are actually introduced]

take wet clothes
[the wet]
them near the laundry
[not in or with?]

Sokka (along with
[Parentheticals are best avoided, and this information could easily be shown in ordinary narrative description]

request of a princess?"
[No response from them at her knowing this? That could be a threat, or allow her to sell them out later, as Azula already brought up earlier]

brought out; Aunt
[The semicolon is a separator that is overused even in technical writing, what you want is a linking comma]

so easily, so soon is not the wisest
[‘so easily’?]

Whose next
[Whose is a possessive, “who’s” is the contraction]

knocking on of
[one]

Azula silently walked
[Adverbs tend to indicate weak sentences. Given the noise of the wind, I think whether she is trying to be quiet or not is irrelevant, so a simple “azula walked to” would emphasize the simple close of the situation]

"YeS?!" Jamayang
[Yes]

likely air currents."
"And I assume this is important to Air Nomads
[Zhao might not be very intelligent, but even HE should grasp that Air nomads would be interested in air]

adjust how heavily she slept…how lightly
[Repetition. Also nonsense, but normally calling the character a light sleeper gets across the implication of wariness]

her usually cynical
[usual? You didn’t indicate this earlier]

that he had heard her
[passive]
Was going on?"
[What’s]

Aunt Wu screamed.
[A bark or shout would be understandable, but she doesn’t seem so unhinged as to scream]

is a good idea. I
[? I]

tame ordered fashion…wild, untamed
[Repetition]

way; branches over
[Semicolons are best avoided, here a separating period would fit better]

from it shoulders
[its]

turn it's attention
[its]

Often times when people
[Half of this paragraph takes us away from the characters and immediate scene. You, the author, are telling us something you think we should know. Let the story SHOW us what is happening and we’ll follow along]

Sukara was thrown
[passive]

caught it one
[set it on]

fire it fur was
[its]

no spirits of humans
[Odd, in most culture of mysticism there’s no line between powerful spirits and passed human spirits (often they’re one and the same)]

blood of Fire Lord Iroh
[It doesn’t, Ozai is her father. Iroh is her uncle (and elder of the brothers)]

connection between the worlds is very weak
[Either the connection is strong or the separation is weak]

able to crossover
[cross over]

Chapter 9
it just tasted like… water
[Repetition]

even though she could see, it was still just as dark
[Mutually contradictory details. There might be a sourceless light, but that’s not the same as darkness]

of i2 tons
[of two – you want to write out small numbers, and err on writing out larger numbers as that’s how we read them out]

As is unleashed
[it]

tearing through the tree, it went sort of made sense
[I think you missed a sentence or some important information]

of the string
[strings…or are you referring to them as ropes?]

by her rescuer . Who picked her up
[, who]

Given way she was being helped
[the way she was carried]

Compared to the spears in Azula's armory
[Katara would not know this]

(Katara would
[Avoid parentheticals]

Blue Spirits Big No
[You can show more effectively than tell, and a direct reference to what it might be called on TV Tropes is something you should save for parodies. ‘Spirit’s shout’ might best fit here]

merely walking slowly, clearly
[So many adverbs…very passive]

thrown a rope around him
[But Zhao is in the real world. Last you said, the air nomad was in the spirit world. The two can’t cross, and if the air nomad escaped into the real world you never told us. That would be an important transition]

"EXPLAin?!"
[Capitalization is awkward throughout this paragraph. Use of speech tags is also an effective tool I think you forgot: the more exclamation points you have in a small area, the less effect all of them have]

NO ONE was on it. SOMETHiNG was terrifying them
[If noone was on it, nobody could be there to be terrified]

recommending you have your staff snapped
[So they allow him to keep his means of escape until then?]

calmly drinking…cautiously
[Adverbs are like exclamation points. They have a place, but are best used sparingly]

guard Hariti Jamayang
[Hariti,]

were too violent…been that violent
[Repetition]

we hadn't do anything
[done]

"He from a different
[He’s]

people don't just change their views
[Not quickly]

The "i2 ton" isn't a typo, spirits are weighed in imaginary numbers
[Looks like a typo, and i squared is –1. Imaginary numbers are necessary for electrical engineering and advanced number theory, but would not seem to have a place in a pre-Renaissance culture]
Whyhow chapter 13 . 4/29/2016
I am curious about Azula's quote: whose death (or apparent death) angers her so much that she feels that a city has equal value?
Whyhow chapter 9 . 4/29/2016
It's nice to see that not everything's black and white...
Whyhow chapter 7 . 4/29/2016
Something was funny about the pacing of the tasks, but I like your interpretation of Bumi.
Whyhow chapter 5 . 4/29/2016
If the captain regularly took the wheel, what did the helmsman do? The action scene was good, though.
Whyhow chapter 4 . 4/29/2016
The OCs seem mostly plausible, if a bit flat. It's probably fine as long as the plot doesn't focus too much on them, but that would worry me with all but the best OCs.
Ganheim chapter 2 . 3/29/2016
Chapter 4
He had been waiting
[Passive]

some lights?" Azula
[Source Mixing. The first agent after dialog marks the dialog’s owner, and that makes this confusing]

doubt we have any or at least not enough we can risk it
[Confusing phrasing. I’d think she’d give a more terse ‘we don’t have enough’]

she had actually seen
[she saw]

Opening the door she
[, she]

hired incredibly large amounts of workers
[In the socio-technological level of the avatarverse? All 3 farms would be grabbing for people, but all you’ve got is word of mouth spread by convenient foot travel (and given the delivery date, they’re not going to go far to get help)]

in her capturing
[capture]

is the damage."
[?”]

ship is relatively intact
[Worst report ever. Reports are intended to be succinct and precise as possible]

get to work, dismissed
[The former segment is an interaction, the latter a cessation. Different topics, should be different sentences]

village she was
[, she]

had hit a snag before it had
[hadverb]

Follow me" she
[me,”]

Sokka really could
[couldn’t]

the fight quickly
[-adverb]

knocked her weapons back with a block
[A block halts motion, it doesn’t redirect it (that’s a parry)]

had blown it
[blew it]

his defenses she
[, she]

a dead run he
[, he]

as he was is that you learn
[Jumping from third-person to second-person pronouns]

she had still
there had not been
farmers who had
farmer had actually
but she had
[hadverb]

she had been expecting
[she expected]

the Kyoshi Warrior s
[Warriors]

fried turkey-duck
[I know the series used fused animals frequently, but you’re using almost exclusively animals that are almost the same anyway. Turtle-ducks, boar-q-pines, jackalopes, sparrowkeets…these are all easy to look up online if you can’t think of any yourself (and it’s probably better to do so, not only to maintain stronger links with canon but so your world is more consistent than making things up on the fly)]

Chapter 5
CRUNCH!
The sound of metal twisting
[The onomatopoeia is good After the sound is described, before there are so many variations that the context can’t help us puzzle it out without slowing down the action]

really bad on the boilers
[bad hit?]

Azula had escaped
[hadverb]

fire was even…it was only
[Passive. Show us the chunks of rock (or whatever they use, in more industrialized, supplied societies it might be ceramic or shaped wood) splashing closer and closer, scoring glancing blows and then directly impacting the conning tower or whatever you chose to call it]

YOU IDIOTS?" Zhao screamed
[Overdone: capitalization is intended to set apart words (such as proper nouns), capitalizing whole words is fine in situations where emphasis is needed but the medium will not support formatting like italics or bold (as some blogs). However, in narrative it looks like you forgot to take off the caps lock. The exclamation point alone indicates the whole sentence was yelled/screamed (at least if you’re using it sparingly like you should be, overuse dulls the effect), and speech tags can do the same purpose (sometimes being used together if you NEED to indicate a particular degree of yell/scream). Use a few of those tools sparingly and your audience will usually be smart enough to pick up on it, and often appreciate the punch]

OVER 100
[In dialog, numbers should be written out]

WANT EXCUSES I
[, I]

spectacular;, an
[, an]

hope that Zhao
[Identifying people is good, but you’re repeating the same sentence structure a lot. Here perhaps you could just say ‘he’ and since no other males are identified we’ll follow along]

preferably painfully
[Author Intrusion? Weak and unneeded adverbs, in any case]

Sun had caused it
[‘swung it into a collision course’ is more concise and active]

groaned as they streaked by each other
[There’s no noise unless there’s contact, and that’s a graze at best (likely a squealing collision that might be powerful enough to rip whole side plates off the smaller cruiser)]

the semi-impact
[“semi hit” only matters with horseshoes and hand grenades, that was a collision]

is perfectly survivable
[While rules are normally looser in dialog, I think this implies a more fixed absolute than Azula would say (she’s too cunning to blab an absolute because she can’t weave around her words later)]

Another common saying
[Author Intrusion]

the cause Katara
[cause,]

shewas no longer tired
[she was…though there’s a difference between no longer being tired and pushing it aside as inner reserves of energy burst forth]

she'd been enduring
[she endured]

mind was able to take note
[mind took note]

coughing up the water
[That she already bent out of his lungs?]

I don't have the energy or supplies
[If she doesn’t have the energy, why’s she creating flame? Just supplies reminds us that the ship is destroyed and the right kind of dry wood isn’t easily available]

burn the bodies'
[That should be plural, not plural possessive]

Pole had turned
It had started
ship had been
she had actually been
She had seen
oceans she'd never
the storm had
Nomad's had attacked[also singular possessive instead of plural]
Though she had learned
it had been
[hadverb]

more than a fun adventure
[During the storm? I’d think it would only be running from the fleet that she felt danger]

Sokka had barely
could barely remember
It had almost seemed
it seemed like
week he had learned
Then this had happened
he had been killed
[Passive]

been somewhat off it
[Runon, slightly awkward sentence. The phrasing also feels like Author Intrusion instead of Sokka’s thoughts. “Why couldn’t that catapult have been just a little less calibrated” might be something character-focal]

captured which had
If they had just had
they had just been
[passive]

being caught the ships
[caught by?]

she had assumed Zhao
then she could have
[passive]

It she had thought
[If she thought]

crew I have scavenge
[. I have to]

going to go
[She’s not actually going anywhere, she’s picking through debris. Though after this tirade she might dump that in order to just walk]

arms had been bandaged
[arms bandaged]

physician had told
heavy had landed on the deck
[Deck, or floor outside his cabin? He’s probably not on the same floor as the deck, there’s a lot of need to place important equipment there]

"Hmmm." Rather
[A ‘hm’ is more often a sound of consternation, and I can’t twist that into a laugh. This creates a sense of disparity between your speech tags and the dialog]

were sent to the sea when buried
[Whose POV is this? It started with Azula, but she should still be simmering with rage such that she’s not going to pick up random threads of cultural knowledge of her current unwanted allies]
Ganheim chapter 1 . 3/29/2016
I know you will make the right choice
[Like beating people up and saying “act like this because I’m the Avatar” and then expecting it to stick when you leave]

capital was burning
[The “was/were/had verb” is a passive construction making the passage weaker. Just “burned” would’ve done fine]

capital had finally ended
[had-adverb]

"No thanks" without
[.” Without]

the second seeming to dance
[Is it so quick the author doesn’t know? Seeming lends question and doubt to what happens. Just “second danced” would’ve been clear and concise]

they managed to arrive
[they arrived’ would’ve been more concise]

to the ship; we'll
[Semicolons are things to be avoided even in technical writing. In narrative they separate whole ideas, better done with a period to emphasize separation or comma to emphasize connection]

she only went in only to
[Repetition. The first could be cut with no loss of meaning]

working with the Avatar
[By this point, isn’t it at least as likely that Aang has died of old age and a water tribesman is the new Avatar? Just noting when the Air Tribe is brought up again]

boiler rooms Azula
[rooms,]

around; her smile
[, her]

Azula was seriously reconsidering
[Wordy, passive. Just “Azula reconsidered” would work, though the ‘serious’ could add to emphasize]

icebergs began to crack
[‘began to’ isn’t as intimidating as just ‘cracked’]

Thanks to the Soap Operus Board for helping with storyline and conception.
Special thanks to posters chuckg and heretic.
Heretic wrote the "set a course" scene used with permission
Special thanks to my Beta reader, Avocadolove/Voodooweasel, whose patience and thoughtful comments are infinitely appreciated, and without whom this story would probably be barely readable.

Chapter 2
The ship had prepared
[The ship itself prepared? Or others prepared it? The latter should read ‘was’]

They had spent
[hadverb]

looked back, while
[Topic change, should include a sentence break]

raiding season; and people
[These are part of the same idea, so either use a comma to join or a period to separate]

over it Sokka
[it,]

could impale them
[Them is plural. There’s only one, so you could say ‘the stranger’]

It had taken
[It took]
men had spotted
So Azula had spent
[hadverb]
barbarian had come
[came]

nowhere near them
[Near who? Nobody’s been mentioned approaching (as far as the water tribe in general knows). With things having changed in your story, you need to describe what ‘them’ might be. In canon we just SEE it]

realized that it was female
[-that]

This girl was staring
[stared]

She had known
[knew]

she had glimpsed
[hadverb]

got closer Azula
[closer,]

had wanted to
who had refused
[hadverb]

could train me."
[I sense this is a question, an invitation, request. Those need a question mark]

Azula had seen
[‘saw’ is more concise]

irony, she'd traded
[hadverb]

unheard of." Katara smiled
[Source Mixing: when you break from one character (as Azula) to another (as Katara here), you need to break to a new paragraph or you confuse the agent of the action/dialog]

Katara was fuming
[fumed]

From what I heard
[She heard nothing, she saw a single display]

over the hill Katara
[hill,]

She had heard
[hadverb]

So far it had been going perfectly
[Passive, feels as much like Author Intrusion as one of the characters]

that the captain had insisted on sending
[the captain sent]

Azula had left
[hadverb]

Katara he had been tempted
[was]

Gran had halted
[hadverb]

He had only heard
[Passive, you also implied he saw nothing so I’d think his paranoia would drive him to check it out without pausing to think]

As the best claimant, most of the others
[Phrasing indicates it’s the others that are ‘best claimant’ somehow]

had begun by
the raids had
She had considered
that she had
She was shaken
nothing wrong" Katara
[Missing closing punctuation]

Azula, thank you
[By the way, are we expected to believe Azula sits back and says and does nothing through this whole exchange? She’s somewhat your main character, so we should be getting bits and pieces of her doing things like following Kanna or rolling her eyes at Sokka]

! you can't
[You]
just-" Katara was cut off
[Backpedalling, always an awkward method of writing. Give us the action that creates the cause, then the effect it generates. Don’t do it the other way or we have to go through gymnastics to follow your story and that just drives readers away]

find a way, and
[Topic break]

Azula had said
she had finally
times she had
[hadverb]

So at least she had something right
[Passive and confusing. Is this going against the past 2 paragraphs to say she does have control? Or “at least she has something going for her”?]

able to control fire like another hand
[Confusing. Katara’s seen other great firebenders? Or ‘control fire like she didn’t think possible’?]

Gran was always respecting Sokka
[Awkward. “Gran preferred Sokka,]

this is the best way
[Then why bother Sokka instead of holding in her woes like canon (and your story earlier) implied? She only seemed to wail when it would do some good]

leaving behind everything you know behind
[Repetition]

ice remaining obviously frozen
[Um…duh]

Take me to him
[The guard never identified the stowaway’s gender]

"What else, looking
[? Looking]

Chapter 3
that had been let on
[Passive]

saw an over muscled soldier
[over-muscled]

Swab the decks
[But that’s only done on wood ships (or, using swab in a different sense, the cleaning done to cannons in-between shots, but that doesn’t exist at this point in the avatarverse). As far as I could tell from the series (and double-checking online), their decks are metal]

Sokka had heard
[hadverb]
guards had has much
[as]

Southern Air temple."
"Princess
[You give us no narrative, no indication that Azula does anything. Based on your pattern of breaking up paragraphs, ‘princess’ is spoken by Azula]

"PRINCESS
[Who says this? Give attributions, speech tags if necessary]

he could we
[, we]

He'd been thrown out
[passive]

filled room; wasting
[room,]

Sokka resolved to explore the ship more once he got a chance
[I like this establishing indication that he’s paying attention to detail and engineering in a manner like his canon character’s attentiveness, but with an alertness that your more chaotic southern world would have]

least do this…."
[this…?”]

their own, but what did
[own. What]

She had thought
Now that she had
Azula was interrupted
[passive]

Turning around she
[, she]

Get on out" one
[You have a recurring problem of forgetting to use full closing punctuation at the end of dialog]

Azula had ordered
[ordered is already past tense, the ‘had’ is superfluous]

ever seen; a water blizzard
[A blizzard already contains water. You could just cut the latter segment and get into the description rather than an awkward term]

now Katara had never really met
[now, Karara never met]

Azula she had been
[she was]

He had followed
all she had
[hadverb]

not passed away, and was quickly descending
[Continuation of one idea, passive]

get away.
"Wait…
[Incomplete paragraph break?]

pain echoed throughout the ship
[Wait, from the ship? Or from above?]

Gran had knitted
[hadverb]

well no I still don't
[Your narrative is fairly fixed in third-person focused, which makes this sudden first-person odd]

KID!" the mechanic growled
[Why? You never told us he opened or did anything to it]

tattoos of master's
[either a particular master’s, or ‘of masters’]

he'd heard a
[hadverb]

Azula shouted. Realizing
[Source Mixing]

Azula had already fired
[Passive. Show us the bolt lancing out, don’t say ‘oh, by the way, something interesting happened, I just didn’t show you’]

I don't want corpses on my ship
[No body, no crime. Or closure]

storm had finally broke
captain had said
She had felt obligated
ones who had knocked
[passive]

expecting to be burnt
[Author Intrusion. Azula is the focal character here, just the squinting is enough. She’s not a mind-reader, so don’t give us their thoughts]

had proven her
[proved her]

given Azula had
[passive]

for or "
[or—”]

in RL it would not take up 6 rooms
[Depends on the partitions]

Chapter 4
Though I may not stay that way for long
[I see foreshadowing]

they had originally thought
[they thought]

is completely overlooked
[Unneeded adverb]

"….."
[This does not describe anything. Is she smiling? Frowning? Crossing her arms and pacing? Show us what she does, don’t use bad comic book conventions that only existed because that’s the medium’s option for indicating time passage. We have better methods in narrative]

Sokka swung the hammer.
"Get up
[This makes no sense. He’s been portrayed as a somewhat competent engineer, but apparently you add in a ‘sokka’s in pain’ joke and fail to make it clear until PARAGRAPHS LATER. That is far too much backpedaling]

dress…imitates Avatar Kyoshi, and serve as the Air Nomad's enforcers
[The dress serve as the Air Nomad enforcers? That’s some magic clothing]

up her hand Azula
[hand,]

suspicious."
"Sokka, I don't think
[If you’re going to have an action after dialog, you need to show us instead of hoping we pick it up by telepathy. Backpedaling is awkward, forgetting to add the punchline and/or setup of a joke makes it not funny]

money was replaced by a single gold coin
[A gold coin is money. Does the old woman make change with a transaction not even having been discussed? Does Azula pocket most of it and hand over one coin to start? Show us the specifics]

unnecessary annoyances."
[Question missing its mark]

such plant life; what had really
[This whole sentence is very confusing, though it made sense until the semicolon (a punctuation to avoid anyway)]

say so earlier, young master.
[While the last segment is a honorific identifier, the sentence is still a question and in English the sentence needs to end in the mark]

now where was the idiot?
[I’m reminded of the English Dub of Tai Chi Hero (by far funnier than the more plain Mandarin original), where everybody calls the hero “The Idiot”]
Guest chapter 16 . 3/8/2016
Is the Blue spirt Aang?
BrazeRancor chapter 17 . 2/18/2016
Ah it was a good ride while it lasted. Thanks for your efforts.
engineerwenlock chapter 17 . 1/7/2016
I loved this story. So sad you didn't finish it.
engineerwenlock chapter 7 . 1/7/2016
I almost stopped reading this story when Katara was arguing with her grandmother. I'm really glad I didn't. This is a unique story, fairly well written. I love your characterizations, especially of Sokka. And your Azula is fascinating. Great job, though I would recommend giving the first couple if chapters a bit of polishing.
Whyhow chapter 15 . 5/2/2015
I like the flashbacks a lot more than the scenes in the present, where not much seems to be happening other than her weaker bending. I am glad that you put in the part about the fish: people actually having to survive as well as whatever their other goals are makes it seem much more realistic.
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