Reviews for Prince Lelouch
Madgirl2424 chapter 1 . 3/11
A lot of spelling errors but it was good
AzulTheBlueDragon chapter 1 . 11/1/2013
Nice, sweet story! I loved it, but you might want to be careful of your capitalization and maybe add more detail? But over all I over the idea, Amazing!
xKIABx chapter 1 . 3/24/2010
i love it! the storyline is great & it also has a great view of the characters! awesome work here!
cynthiacyvon chapter 1 . 8/31/2009
hey i love your story, and waiting for the next Chapter ASAP! i come from Indonesia too _ horay Indonesia :p
Inuryu chapter 1 . 7/8/2009
Some basic grammar needs to be fixed before posting, verb tenses especially. One can gather the gist of the story, but it is difficult. Try to get a beta to go over the work for grammar fixes and then work on expanding the detail. The amount of info in this chapter alone could have spanned over several chapters if you had added in more sensory detail.
Lilyflower1987 chapter 1 . 12/2/2008
I think the plot you have so far is great. However, I have to say your English needs a little work.
SuzaLuluLOVER chapter 1 . 10/19/2008
This was really good and interesting!

I cant wait for the next chapter (if there will be one)!
Jacky-The-Ripper chapter 1 . 10/12/2008
Interesting A.U. so far a great start . . . But I can tell you're either new to writing or new to the English language, since the writing here was a very broken English. It didn't flow very smoothly, partially because of the grammatical errors but somethings in your descriptions just didn't flow well.

You can get over this by practicing and seeking help from other writers, but for now I'll give you a small correction writing (from your story) to help you see what exactly was in the grammar department.

The edits are to fix capitalization, sentence structure, and to make things flow a bit better.(Just a bit though)

Edit:

Suzaku showed a picture of Lelouch when he was a baby wearing that very necklace. “So could you believe me now, Your Majesty?“ Suzaku bowed again.

“. . .” Lelouch couldn’t even say a word, he was totally confused by what he had seen and heard.

“So shall we go?” Asked Suzaku.

“I’m not going without my brother.” Said Lelouch.

“No nii-chan . . . You have to go by yourself I’m not a part of the royal family, you are . . . I’m not allowed to go there..“ Rolo looked sad.

“But Rolo . . .”

“It's okay!” Shouted Rolo. “Its okay Nii-chan, I will learn how to live by my self . . . You should go. . . ” Rolo pushed Lelouch away. Suzaku managed to catch Lelouch from behind.

“R-Rolo…” Rolo ran away, leaving that place crying. Crying because his lovely brother wasn't beside him anymore.

Suzaku took Lelouch to the Royal House. On the way to the house Lelouch looked so quiet and sad, Suzaku couldn’t do anything so he just stayed quiet. The car stopped in front of the big house, a servant opened Lelouch's door and gave him a warm* greeting. However Lelouch looked a little sad when he was greeted. Then Lelouch and Suzaku went inside. “You must be tired, My Prince . . . Let me take you to your room.” Said Suzaku. "

*:I'm not sure how you wanted him greeted, but if there isn't a specific way that he is greeted (Like warm, cold, . . . So on) then the sentence would be, "A servant opened Lelouch's door and greeted him.

OK! If this helped then I'm glad, if this just made you more confused . . . I'm so sorry. I suggest also that you find someone to beta read your work.

(Beta reading, in case you don't know sense there are some people who don't, is where someone ELSE reads your story before you post it and they fix the grammar errors in your story.)
Tsukishiro Yuki chapter 1 . 10/12/2008
yap.. english is not my languange fist languange..

sorry if you guys kinda feel kinda strange to read it p..
Kerii-tan chapter 1 . 10/12/2008
I like the idea, just I have issues with the many grammatical errors and such. Is english not your first language?
MysticMaiden 18 chapter 1 . 10/11/2008
cool idea.