|Reviews for The Visit|
| Guest chapter 1 . 5/30/2011
O.o Lovely. Wait, what episode did Nanashi say that? :)
| Sesshy'sGirlLOL01 chapter 1 . 10/24/2008
I really liked this, love the pairing good work! :)
| Akari-chan chapter 1 . 10/15/2008
Hi! It's me - do you remember? Akari! Zephyr_design in lj, I hope ou do! It's been so long. I was so happy to see you again.
So, okay, onto fic reviewing!
You got a few problems with verb tenses here. For example, you're writing in the past, but suddenly you go "tomorrow is going to be" - I think something like "the next day there would be" is more adequate.
I think you were also pushing a little too far on trying not to be repetitive with pronouns. Really, using "Alviss" when things get confused won't hurt. Refering to him as "The A Bao Qu user" reads somehow awkwardly. And seriously, "blunette"?
And on characterization: I believe you should've explained a bit more of Alviss' attraction towards Nanashi, if not just to give us fanservice ;D He never showed anything towards Nanashi, even though Nanashi was all hugs and kisses and "my token of love for you" (I remember this episode!) with him. And well, Alviss hates Phantom. Strongly. I know Phantom is OMGHOT and everybody (well, it's the two of us now T_T) wants to see them paired up together, YAY, but a hatred Alviss nurtured for YEARS won't just disappear because he saw Phantom all wet and naked. I expected to see a little bit more of... resistence on his part.
But mainly because that's a kink of mine, but yeah, right, erm
Now onto the compliments!
I REALLY like your mentions about Bell. The majority of us hate her around here, and yet you show how Alviss think of her without implying any of your own thoughs (be that you like or don't like her - you just wrote what Alviss thought), and that's a though job, and I really think that's wonderful. I also really like your take on Dorothy. Seeing how Alviss thinks about her - that was really something! Plus, I like how he kept giving his two cents on the other characters behaviors and all, it's what people do, and it felt really real.
Plus, there are some PRECIOUS lines there.
My favorite was "Somehow the smirk on Phantom’s pale face told Alviss that if he did not move now, he would be in big trouble. Really, big trouble."
I really liked this.
And while being not much in character, your lime-ish piece came off REALLY well, and I really enjoyed reading it. It wasn't vulgar or anything, and yet it was sexy.
But remember that in character-ness makes it even more hot, so ** ! Please keep on writing!