|Reviews for Valentine Blues|
| KenyaZeroyahoo.com chapter 1 . 2/8/2009
Hah, that was cute. I liked the way it developed. You had some pretty spiffy word choice too. Despite the spiffy word choice, it seemed like you used a lot of words twice in the same sentence or within the same two sentences. I'm trying to find examples, but I can't seem to find any... I remember that at once point, you used "perplexed" three times in a row. I like the word and the uses you put it to, but it needed more space between uses :)
You also repeated things like you would in an essay like in the paragraph that started "Even though they were all pleased that business was blooming so well, deep down, Ono was a tad depressed..." you ended it by saying "Those were the reasons why Ono felt slightly depressed even though there w..." but we already knew that he was depressed :)
I get the feeling that you read more manga than novels :) (Granted, that's not a bad thing. I'd personally pick manga over novels ). I say this because there are a lot of spots where you use more words than you need. These spots are not wrong (actually, I think there might have been no grammatical errors in this, great job ), but they sound awkward if read out loud. I located an example for you. When you wrote "Tachibana was busy at the take out counter when he happened to glance in the direction of the door where Chikage would come in and out with dishes. When the door opened again and Chikage walked in carrying some empty dishes in his hands, he noticed Ono following the second garçon with his eyes and then sigh. That’s when an idea came to him." you could shorten this. "Tachibana was busy at the take out counter when he happened to glance up at the door Chikage came in and out of with dishes..." and so on, or you could even combine the sentences so that it reads something a bit like... "Tachibana glanced up from the take-out counter in time to see Chikage carrying empty dishes back to the kitchen. Before his eyes returned to his work, he noticed Ono watching the second garçon through the corner of his eyes..." or something more in your own words. :)
Over all, very nice job :) Don't be disheartened by what I pointed out. Think of it as the grain in an pine wood door. Some of the grains don't go the right direction and others turn into grotesque blobs, but over all, the door is beautiful :)
A final note; I never comment on fanfics that I consider to be poorly written, so please don't feel like I'm saying your a bad writer. I'm just pointing out spots this could be stronger because I really liked it. :)
| cheshirejin chapter 1 . 12/4/2008
That was really cute Chika x Ono fluffygoodness. I really loved Kanda's line of thought about "he attributed it to the fact that he was still young and wasn’t yet suffering from old people problems." t just seemed to fit his personality somehow.
| kirayasha aka kira chapter 1 . 10/22/2008
Awe... That was so cute! :D
I love Ono & Chi!