|Reviews for Be My Girl|
| Niha161 chapter 1 . 2/3/2017
| Guest chapter 1 . 7/22/2016
This might have been PWP, bu it needed more plot. There were a lot of plot inconsistencies that distracted me from the porn part of the fic. I kept thinking about the plot holes and couldn't focus on the sex. A few examples of the plotting issues I noticed:
You bring up Sasuke having a debt to Orochimaru but don't explain the circumstances.
Naruto and Sasuke have sex in the bar, but you don't explain why they were the last ones there and what happened to all the workers while they were fucking. People would have been cleaning up and stacking chairs, instead Naruto and Sasuke were basically left alone?
One minute Naruto and Sasuke were dancing, the next they were drunk and had spent a long time talking to each other. There was no transition getting them from the dance floor to one of the tables to talk. I had to reread that scene a couple times to try and figure out when they'd stopped dancing because it was written in a confusing way.
I don't understand what was the point of making Naruto a rich businessman and having the entire epilogue being about Naruto at his job. It didn't fit with the rest of the story. I guess you wanted Naruto to have money so he could buy Sasuke for the night, but you didn't need to show him at work since it added nothing to the story. Suigetsu was shocked when he heard Naruto's name, but the fic didn't explain why. All we got was a silly scene with Naruto turning down the advances of one of his secretaries, not something which showed us exactly why Naruto was famous. If this was a longer fic, Naruto being a powerful person could have been relevant to the plot because maybe he would have helped Sasuke with his Orochimaru problem, but in a short fic like this, it just ends up being another loose end in the plot.
If you don't have any plan to develop the plotlines the fic introduces, then don't put them in the story in the first place. Sasuke being in debt to Orochimaru could have been taken out and it wouldn't have affected the fic. Naruto being a rich businessman could have been taken out and it wouldn't have affected the story. Instead, you'd just have Naruto ask Sauke for a dance without him throwing money at Suigetsu first.
The fic had some potential, it just needed a few more rounds with a beta first.
| LoveCritic chapter 1 . 3/9/2016
It sure has been awhile since I've read or reviewed any works on here. Must say great story to come back to. Though I do wish you had made it clear what happened between Orochimaru and Sasuke, why he was in debt to him, etc. Overall nice story and I liked the ending.
| jupimako chapter 1 . 8/6/2015
| MusicFan Banana chapter 1 . 7/1/2012
This needs more reviews! It was long as hell, but worth it, I liked the was you describe the scene I imagined all!, it's definetily going to Favorites.
| bloodshound chapter 1 . 8/14/2010
cute n smutty at the same time. Kudos
| sasuNARU4eternity chapter 1 . 3/9/2010
that was sweet!
| zerofangirl chapter 1 . 5/27/2009
Whoa! That was awesome. NaruSasu Day! man that was HOT.
And the ending was SO sweet! aw. If I was speaking my voice would be weirdly squeaky right now. SO yeah it was THAT god.
so so hot. lol
| PunkyPenguin chapter 1 . 5/23/2009
Really amazing I totally love long one-shots, NaruSasu, and stuff going on in clubs, so I really enjoyed this D Really nice lemon too Keep writing
| PinkPanda chapter 1 . 5/18/2009
Aw cute. I likes it. I like your Sasuke.
| natsukileeRKOlover chapter 1 . 4/15/2009
I really like the ending and the lemon was pretty good too. makes me want to go by a jar of cherries lol.
Love Natsuki Lee
| lil joker 1989 chapter 1 . 4/15/2009
i like it but the end kind of threw me off aside from that it was good
| Utena-Puchiko-nyu chapter 1 . 4/14/2009
I love it! Excellent lemon XD
Kisses from Argentina!
| aureus yarara chapter 1 . 4/13/2009
it was pretty good.
One or two inconsitencies, tho.
here: why didn't you tell us when the condom broke?
because Naruto's jizz can't exactly be "coaating the sensitive flesh of Sasuke's walls" when "there was almost no struggling in sliding the condom onto his pulsing erection. Naruto’d done this many times".
Get what I mean?
| Narulov56 chapter 1 . 1/29/2009
i think this story was...was...(insert idea)...fantastic!loved it..
('.') here is a bunny for the great job!