|Reviews for Good Night, Little Bird|
| Kurama's Foxy Rose chapter 1 . 4/19/2013
A bit random.
| ArkhamKnight chapter 1 . 2/13/2013
Kudos. This almost had a bit of a "noir" feel with the mystery aspect of it going on. Thought it was interesting that the narrative was in present tense too.
You did a good job describing Terry - which isn't always easy as the only actual source material is the Batman Beyond show. Keep up the great work.
| Blue-Inked Frost chapter 1 . 11/20/2012
This one seems to be one of your older ones, so I won't jump on the asterisk use.
"you thrashed that restaurant" - trashed.
I liked the scary impression of Terry looking into the Batsuit's eyes. And it's always interesting to see a chilling-effect scenario of someone finding out the secret identity.
"Born August 18, 2023 at Gotham General; three twenty-eight in the morning." - comma rather than semicolon.
The description of the new suit made me think of Azrael at first; which is a more intimidating name than Blue Crow! I thought 'Blue Crow' was the opposite of a sinister codename, and didn't contribute to the effect that this story was trying to achieve.
"If you're trying to think of a way of escaping—there isn't one. I know all of Batman's moves—there's no way out!" - this is pretty nitpicky, but I think the exclamation point at the end of this weakens it by making the character sound excitable and passionate rather than detached and sure of himself.
"the emotion seldom makes it to Blue Crow's voice" - the guy really hasn't said much so far, so it's odd to see Terry making a general judgment on his character. As above, the exclamation mark in the earlier dialogue indicates some kind of emotion.
"This time the dark figure smiles—a cold, menacing smile." The smile on the future Batsuit doesn't look like it's all made up of human lips and teeth to me - maybe a bit more detail here on how the character's mask makes facial expressions would have added to the story?
Darkwinter as a secret identity is also less than ominous as a superhero name to me; it works excellently well as a username, of course (:) ) but as a superhero name it strikes me as trying too hard with both 'dark' and 'winter'!
So I guess time travel is involved. I started getting Blue Crow Nightwing/Raven at more information. :)
I thought the fight scene could have been split across several paragraphs rather than one long one; using more descriptive adjectives/adverbs and placing more emphasis on the separate actions by letting them have their own paragraph. Expanding it and giving the story more of a chill by the inevitability of a superior combatant facing an inferior one might have improved that part.
"but lo and behold, approaching sirens distract him for a moment." - Another nitpick, but the old-fashioned phrasing of 'lo and behold' strikes me as lightening the mood for this fight scene.
"the purple noose" - why purple instead of dark blue? I know it's a nitpick, but...
"the rope pulls taught" - taut.
Raven committing suicide for love strikes me as OOC. Does your authors' note refer to Dick? For Dick to change into a murdering avenger after various specified and unspecified stressing events and the passing of years and alternative universes, as in your story, struck me as understandable in the one-shot. Raven committing suicide for a boyfriend deserting her, and her friends not noticing something was up and trying to help her, is what struck me as out of character. Raven has already faced devastating sorrows in her past and has reasons to continue living as a hero. Her demonic heritage might also mean she has a responsibility not to commit suicide lest she endanger the world (if her death would trigger the releases of some of her demonic magics). I feel like that plot twist weakens her as a character, although it's wrong to say that real people who committed suicide are weak. Perhaps the alternate Terry murdering her would have made more sense. It seems like this fic is a full-on crossover, and maybe should've been marked as such.
I thought the beginning of this definitely got my attention with the chilling, well-described circumstance of the protagonist being captured. And then the unrevealed information of the plot twist was a good hook for the reader to want to continue with the story. Hope this feedback works for you! :)
| ShadowCatAlex chapter 1 . 3/10/2012
So. I'm assuming Tony is an alternate version of Terry? And 'Blue Crow' is Nightwing? This was very interesting; I wish I knew more. I'm a bit thrown off by the beginning, what was he remembering?
| xSilentPeanutx chapter 1 . 8/3/2011
O_O uhm.. WOW thats just... WOW... so interesting and yet so disturbing. I loved it! the ending had me going.. " Come on Terry run run run! Yes you made it!... AHHHG DAMMIT! too late..." that had me at the edge of my seat the whole time! again wow and nice story! Deserves more reviews.
| verity candor chapter 1 . 8/18/2009
Ow... so dark.
| Silas Goodwill chapter 1 . 7/28/2009
Firstly, “Ugh…My head…
“It’s Batman! Run!”
He tries to cradle his head, but his wrists are bound behind him.”
In this first sentence, you use “head” and “his” far too many times. You can get away with these errors later on in the story, but at such an early time the reader is alienated right off the (pardon the pun) bat.
Secondly: The Character of Dark Winter: After doing a re-read, I was able to realize that Robin thinks Terry is to blame for Raven’s death because of a name similarity. Now while I find this clever, I needed to read it twice in order to get that. (Perhaps it is my lack of interest in comics…that might be a factor)
Also, how does Tony McGinnis relate to Dark Winter? Robin calls Terry, “Dark Winter”, and blames him for Raven’s death. But later blames Tony McGinnis, her secret boyfriend. What is the connection between the two, how does Robin know that Winter is Tony?
Third: The Final Fight: I had to really pay attention to follow it. The way the paragraph was set up resulted in an odd flow; and you also used the same word multiple times. Try breaking it up into easier to read chunks. That way the reader can follow without having to glue themselves to the screen.
DO NOT BREAKUP THE PARAGRAPH BEFORE THE FIGHT! I loved how it was arranged, I could not break myself away
Final notes: Tony’s relation to Dark Winter…that and your wording at the beginning are the two biggest problems I found with the story. Other than that, I would gladly put on my Favorites list. (ahh what the crap, I’ll do it anyway)
Overall: I loved the story!
| StarLove18 chapter 1 . 1/8/2009
The ending was very suspenseful...
It's strange how Blue Crow knows the Teen Titans, but I don't think he recognizes his real target. Is it really Robin he's after?
Still, this was a good read (and an attractive title).
| non3ko chapter 1 . 12/30/2008
I did not read the entire entry, instead opting to skim over it for various reasons. This story would be that much more decipherable if perhaps an author's note of some sort were in place to point out the given punctuation for a thought, speech, etc. A great majority of the story was a bit choppy, jumping from one place to another, and at times I was unable to fully distinguish who was speaking. Another thing that would help are more descriptive paragraphs, and less dialogue which your story seemed to be mostly composed of. Try alternating between short and long sentences, instead of just one lengthy sentence after another for variation. There was a tendency of switching between the present and past tense in the same sentence as well. The excessive punctuation, [“It’s Batman! Run!”] can be done without. It tends to hurt readers eyes and interrupt the flow of the story. There were way too many O's than were necessary in this line. [“No. No…!”] Instead of adding on letters for emphasis, why not try for a dramatic pause, or adding a slight description afterward? I would advise getting a beta to proofread your work. Overall, the story still has potential; it just needs a little editing here and there.
| TL Brown chapter 1 . 12/29/2008
I loved it, all I have to say is BEST DEATH SCENE EVER! I've never been a real fan of this genre but you made it easy to fall into.
If you would like to return the favor, please check out my wrestling story "OCW: New Beginning." Thank you.
| Rhea Silverkeys chapter 1 . 12/15/2008
Hi! Sorry it's taken a very long time, but I'm finally reading the entries for the contest.
*snigger* I found the Darkwinter bit amusing, as that is your penname as well. I admit I am a bit confused at this point merely because what I know about Batman I know from the recent movies and the really bad tv show I watched when I was younger that featured Batman and Robin. Is this story set in the future?
I assume it must be, since Bruce is referred to as the "Old Man". This was quite tragic! Terry has been killed in a case of mistaken identity ( it appears he has taken over the mantle of Batman from Bruce? Or am I missing something and is Terry really Tony, the guy who broke Rae's heart? And is this really Robin, this angry vengeful person?
Anyway, very well written story, and, assuming this is set in the future, very good use of the theme! I think you also wrote it very well in the present tense.
| lushifuhr chapter 1 . 11/2/2008
This was very interesting. I'm still trying to figure how the puzzle pieces fall into place. Which is good, because I like a story that gets me thinking.
The sotryline is very good - you have left a lot of things unsaid, so I definitely want to read more. You portrayed the Blue Crow person very well. He's brute, but also shows some emotion, which makes him much more realistic. Terry also is a very interesting character; I wonder if he really is as he thinks he is? (Vague sentence, I know)
I'm very eager to know what really happened to Rae. Was she killed, did she hang herself.. lots of options.
And even though I know next to nothing about Batman, or the series, this was interesting to read. I thought some paragraphs had a sort of humour in them, which made this a little lighter to read. Your spelling and grammar are excellent :)
I think I'm putting this on story alert, I really want to know how you will continue this.
| RocketPAPrika chapter 1 . 11/1/2008
woah! Cliff-hanger! Awesome opening chapter, can't wait to read more!