|Reviews for Snowball Effect|
| Nightcrawlerlover chapter 8 . 10/29/2011
Wow. I like this chapter - especially this part:
My right-hand man, and bodyguard, shakes his head. He sinks down into the chair next to the bed, observing my miserable state. "Nor does it matter. Mokuba-sama is going to worry…and so will I," he answers as his fingers intertwine.
I close my eyes in response to this. The one man that I can trust my company to is right. Mokuba will worry and that is a fact. Plus, he will as well or has been since the beginning. It's a quirk in my brother's personality that will never change. When my brother couldn't come, Isono dutifully stayed by my side until dismissal. But, I have to wander. "Isono, what are you implying? You actually do your job."
"Sir, it's just… No, it's personal," he pauses as I questionably look at him, "Since my wife left, you two are all I have sir. I'm sorry if this offends you because not only are you my employer, but you are also like a surrogate son."
This makes sense. The custody battle of his only child rings fresh. His first wife won on the claims that Isono spends too much time at work. She allowed the man to pack a suitcase and a duffel bag before getting rid of it. His house was sold and she moved to southern Japan. When Mokuba and I found out about this, Isono was determined to find small place for himself. And surprisingly, Mokuba was fine with that, but I wasn't. I was the cause of his maternal disputes. So, I offered him one of the empty rooms in the manor. Isono at first denied, but eventually relented as soon as I started guilt tripping myself for his suffering. Since then, he's been here.
Whoa. I can imagine Seto feeling quite sorry for Isono because of his maternal disputes and offering him one of the empty rooms in the manor, too.
Keep up your super-neat, very awesome and phenomenally creative writing! :)
| CHIBIDEMONofDOOM chapter 7 . 1/27/2011
... you put way too much description its alittle distracting But otherwise i really like it
| tinkletimekelly chapter 7 . 7/3/2010
| Vampiric Dragonrider chapter 7 . 7/2/2010
Ooh exciting! I love all the little hints that point towards vampirism. Though, I had to reread the previous chapter. If you're gone for so long, perhaps you should have a recap in the beginning?
| Nightcrawlerlover chapter 7 . 7/2/2010
Brilliant so far! I like the interaction between Kaiba and Mokuba. I hope Kaiba will be able to put the pieces of this puzzle together and find a solution, just as he can play a game of chess very well and find a winning strategy, too. :)
Keep up your awesome, super-creative writing! :)
| Rai Science chapter 6 . 2/11/2010
Love it, especially te endin Is the little boy someone special? Or just a lonely orphan Seto comforts?
| Nightcrawlerlover chapter 6 . 2/9/2010
Brilliant! I hope Kaiba realizes what he's getting into... :)
Keep up your awesome, superb writing! :)
| Vampiric Dragonrider chapter 6 . 2/9/2010
It was interesting, but a few things didn't make sense. So, the lettuce tastes rotten at first? That is unclear.
What also doesn't make sense is the last part. He randomly hugs a boy? Who is speaking? And I know Kaiba likes kids, especially orphans, but he's usually not so cuddly.
A few other places are a little confusing, and I think that is because of the writing style. Like, when he's taking out his phone, I didn't know what he was doing for like, half the time I was reading it. I know it's probably your style, but you don't need to focus on every. single. little. thing. like that.
One last thing: Try to vary your sentences a little more. They're all kind of simple sentences, and it makes the paragraphs seem choppy. And warning you, don't add TOO many complex sentences, or else readers lose focus, and it drags on and on.
Other than that, the suspense is good. I can feel it building, bit by bit. Usually, it seems you have a little bit of vampirism at the end of the chapter, though this one doesn't have it. But whatever, that's fine. So... just a few modifications. Can't wait for the next chapter. :)
| hello chapter 1 . 11/21/2009
Here are something from chapter one that you may need to fix.
I copied and pasted from the chapter.
"And then, SHE suddenly sinks her teeth in. The man groans. Finally, he arches his neck back. Then, goes for the kill. Warm liquid rushes to HIS mouth."
Who is biting how here?
"Me… Seto Kaiba…nicked myself this morning. "
Wasn't he always seto kaiba? I don't understand.
"Now, it stings and itches like hell."
What itches? Was he bit?
"His black has now turned more of a pepper over the few years I’ve known him."
What the does that even mean?
"I promised Mokuba that I will be home tomorrow."
So, Mokuba is home right now.
"I push the door open and immediately notice the ‘pest’ with his little trophy wife."
Because you where talking about Mokuba before I thought the 'pest' he was talking about was mokuba.
"Though my brother was still in the manor,"
Wait, I though Mokuba was home. Now he is at the party? Where is Mokuba?
“Miss, I need to let me go! I have to cover your wounds! Then, I’ll call the ambalance!”
Shouldn't it be 'YOU need to let me go'
Reread what you write.
You need to have someone beta your writing.
| Vampiric Dragonrider chapter 5 . 11/20/2009
You know, I really like how most of Kaiba's actions are so... aggressive. I mean, they're definitely not in a passive voice. It's like he's dominating even his movements. Like, "My body slides..." and stuff like that.
I love how you made Kaiba agree to help Yugi. It's so like him!
| Nightcrawlerlover chapter 5 . 11/20/2009
Oh, brilliant! If Kaiba only knew about Dracula and what he did to him now... ;)
“I’m looking out for him. In case…”
“In case my emotions boil over into revenge again. Ha, you’re an idiot to worry about something idiotic as that.”
“Well, excuse me, Mr. Sore Loser.”
My eyes narrow. And I believe Jonouchi noticed it as well. “Yugi came to me for help, mutt. And that’s all you are getting out of me. Now, step aside and let me eat.” I snap.
Jonouchi stays put, but doesn’t move as I walk around him. I listen to his pathetic mental gears whirl. His heart beating fiercely in anger. Some things never change. And Jonouchi is one of them.
Keep up your awesome, superb writing! :)
| Vampiric Dragonrider chapter 4 . 8/17/2009
Still as awesome as ever. It's... simple, really, yet so complex, this story is. It's a unique writing style, my friend. I'm staring at the screen waiting for the next thing to happen to him. :3
I love your attention to detail. Except that it's Droop, not drupe, and appetite, not apatite. Though, wordcheck would not get those errors. That's why you proofread. But other than that, this is awesome. And you use verbs in places not many others would. Like how the doorknob obeys the will of his hand. Keep up the good work!
| Nightcrawlerlover chapter 4 . 8/11/2009
Uh-oh! I think I know what is wrong with Kaiba. (However, I'm keeping it a secret.)
Best of luck with the next chapter.
And keep up your awesome writing! :)
| Aya Nyx chapter 3 . 6/14/2009
Well done on these few chapters! You've kept Kaiba perfectly in character, which is hard to do in first person.
Can't wait for the next chapter!
| Nightcrawlerlover chapter 3 . 6/5/2009
Brilliant! Excellent job keeping Kaiba in character.
Keep it up with your awesome writing!