|Reviews for Navy Exchange|
| 666Spektor chapter 12 . 10/29/2013
I JUST LOVED IT!
it's my first story of Tony and Ziva... and it was AMAZING
THANK YOU (:
| Mirka chapter 12 . 3/16/2012
I just finished reading your awesome fanfic, you did a really good job.
You honestly do not need to worry, it seemed credible and realistic and considering this was your first crime fanfic ever, I must just drop my jaw.
I wish I could come up with my own thing, the only issue is I am not the native speaker, so a lot of terms you used naturally would not appear in my mind that easily (if ever :)).
I appreciated that your Tiva wasn't too dragged out, too naive and no spoken "I love you" was involved. And still, it was a perfect romance.
Well, I guess I just wanted to give ya some feedback to hopefully make you continue writing ;), take care,
Mirka (Czech Republic)
| USAFChief chapter 12 . 9/3/2011
Nicely done, Lyn. Good plot and dialog. They were all in character, with the notable exception of the sex scene, of course. But that did not detract from the story.
Thanks for writing and posting this piece.
| USAFChief chapter 1 . 9/3/2011
Good chapter. Dialog is very good. You've got Gibbs talking just enough and Tony's reference to Mark Harmon in the movie is classic. Very good.
At one point in this chapter, you have Karen Strickland's rank as midshipman and at another point a petty officer. You can't have it both ways, I'm afraid.
| The Vampire's Liaison chapter 2 . 5/12/2010
"Sufficient force was applied to snap the young woman's neck. Just like our two previous victims. We definitely have a serial killer on our hands, Jethro!"
"Hi Gibbs!" Abby called as he strode through the door into her lab, an impressively large 'Caff-Pow' in hand.
Between those two lines, you have the same transition problem that makes it difficult to tell when there is a change in scene. In the show, quick cuts are easy and obvious. But you are writing, and provisions must be made. I suggest adding a simple line divider or something. A line, then a few ~~~ then another line and text would suffice as a clear scene divider. you can also be creative and make a pattern like ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
or a simple thick line made by several dashes and then pressing enter. It's a simple fix that would help a lot with comprehensibility.
Also, you spelled Beverage wrong in this chapter, and I can tell its a phonetics thing and not an Australian/American thing. Its not a big deal, and doesn't affect reading much, but I study English, so I am used to noting everything I catch. You mention that the girl had rosin on her. I don't know what rosin is. Unless you mean resin, which I'm guessing you don't a note might be helpful, or simply make Gibbs not get it and have Abby explain it to him.
The following section I am copying and pasting is confusing, because its all Abby talking, but you separate it a lot, unnecessarily or maybe just too much. I keep thinking Gibbs is talking, since you ended the quote and jumped lines, but its still Abby. And then I'm confused as to why Gibbs is saying these things.
"Just like the other two victims, I found traces of rosin on her hands and feet." Abby paused and tilted her pig-tailed head to the side.
"Could it be possible that our victims were moonlighting as ballet dancers? That would explain the rosin. Or maybe they were circus high wire performers? That would be so cool!" Her eyes lit up as her fertile imagination kicked up a notch. (This one, especially, sounded off because it seemed like Gibbs was talking at first.)
"I totally wanted to run away to the circus when I was a kid, Gibbs. I mean, who didn't? Okay – so, maybe you didn't – but every kid I ever knew dreamed of joining the circus!" She enthused.
Abby's expression turned to one of disappointment as she explained. "Then I found out about my condition."
I love the Tiva interaction towards the end. I think Ziva's unZivaness, for lack of a real word, should be slightly more violent. If you recall, the few times she has been truly frazzled pre-season 7, such as the event with that guy she was fake dating, the serial killer, she was jumpy, on edge and panicky. And, when Tony get too near her, she tended to lash out without meaning to. She nearly ripped his arm off when he tried to tussle her hair. He was very good about it. You're Tony is being good about it to, I just like to bring that up because I thought It was sweet and its a favorite Tiva moment for me.
| The Vampire's Liaison chapter 1 . 5/12/2010
A couple of short notes. Firstly, any number used in writing should technically be written out if it is under 100, though some people say 1,000. Sometimes, the transitions from scene to scene are hard to follow. For example, at the end, I was confused about where Gibbs and Ziva were while Tony and McGee were in Strickland's room. Were they supposed to be there, or is the interview with the CO supposed to be concurrent with the search? That is unclear. Overall, the chapter succeeded in doing its job, and piquing my interest through the exposition. Don't let my nit-picky notes make you think I'm not enjoying the story. After feedback on my reviews from authors, I am starting to think editing might be a career choice. LOVED the way you threw in the Mark Harmon reference, little inside joke. Only Gibbs could get away with that. If you mentioned Michael Weatherly's name, Tony would probably rattle off his resume, which I would very much like to see.
| KindleLyn chapter 4 . 11/27/2009
This is a great story! I'm loving the blend of Tiva scenes and scenes about the investigation, and I can't wait to see where this tale is going to go...
| JosieFB chapter 12 . 7/12/2009
I thoroughly enjoyed Navy Exchange. I am always searching for TIVA stories that stay true to the canon, carry on conversations just like the characters do in the show, are enjoyable to read, and use good grammar and sentence structure. You did an excellent job on all points. I found your premise for Tony and Ziva revealing their feelings to be very believable. So many fanfic writers protray Ziva as a shrinking violet when it comes to telling Tony how she feels when really Tony is the one afraid of his feelings. I am sad to read in your profile that you have abandoned the idea that Tony and Ziva should have a relationship. I think they are soulmates. I don't want an all out dating relationship in the show, but I would like to see them stumble towards one another from time to time and realize they are meant for each other as the series draws to a close (in 5 or 10 years of course).
| numbat000 chapter 12 . 7/2/2009
I am very new to FanFiction and not entirely sure whether my feedback or critique is still welcome as your story was written some time ago. I found your name in the favorite authors list of several people. This is the first multiple chapter story I've read that has the crime investigation and the character interaction blended extremely well throughout.
I thought the humour worked and the characters were true. I'm not a TIVA fan and note that you have had a change of heart since writing this, but I found their relationship was not the overwhelming part of the story anyway, so it didn't worry me at all. I enjoyed this very much, thanks for sharing your talent.
| HawkPen chapter 1 . 6/29/2009
You have several basic grammar mistakes, and they are consistent throughout the story.
| 11nivea342 chapter 1 . 6/12/2009
loving the story so far!
| God'srider chapter 12 . 5/28/2009
Great story and i really liked how much Tony did for Ziva! I liked the suspense and action scene too!
could have done without the inuendos though
| God'srider chapter 8 . 5/28/2009
excellent chapter, except the one cuss word...not needed
| God'srider chapter 7 . 5/28/2009
oh come on...
i did not like the rush into intimacy..
| God'srider chapter 3 . 5/22/2009
Excellent so far!