|Reviews for Super twins|
| IDontKnowWhatToMakeMyName chapter 1 . 2/15/2009
great story, but it would have been better with more grammar :)
| arin chapter 1 . 1/19/2009
There's not enough Zach and Cody sci-fi in the world (OR Zach and Cody slash, for that matter), so I certainly applaud your attempt here. But that said... your writing style needs a lot of work.
Absolute #1 most important comment I can make, if you get nothing else out of my review please get this: SLOW DOWN. Take your first "paragraph", for example... actually, first sentence would be more accurate, as the first paragraph was one sentence in length. What you described there could easily have filled up 5 chapters - Zach and Cody's view of the comet, the discovery that something had changed when they woke up, the first applications of their superpowers (Cody couldn't know about his power to make people incredibly horny, for example, if he didn't actually discover it by USING it on someone), and for extra credit, a foreshadowing chapter in the beginning describing a "normal dayy" before the shooting star hit.
All of those events are important, and full of opportunity to describe things in great detail, but instead the reader is brushed right by it all. The same is true of the next paragraph - Zach and Cody's feelings for each other, the discovery that Cody can read minds (not even mentioned in the first paragraph/sentence), all of that had a lot of potential.
Number two: Grammar and sentence structure have got to improve. There are a ton of Beta Readers out there, including me, who would have no problem going over this sort of thing with you. As an example, "To zacks horror cody was reading his mind the whole time and saw everything but the look on Cody's [face] wasn't horror but a smile from ear to ear as he had just seen that zack felt the same way as he felt". Here's the same concept, with proper grammar and sentence structure: "To Zack's horror, Cody was reading his mind the whole time. He had seen everything! But the look on Cody's face wasn't horror; he wore a smile from ear to ear, as he had just seen that Zack felt the same way he felt." Consistently capitalizing proper names, breaking up thoughts with punctuation, seperating sentences... all important.
Work on those things and resubmit this and I think it could be very enjoyable.
And I'm sorry, but Cody, at 13, with a 7-incher? Unlikely. ;)
| rnl1993 chapter 1 . 11/27/2008
nice story. Funny powers.
| emeralddragonchild chapter 1 . 11/15/2008
I don't know if this was meant to be crack but the image of Zack beating Mr. Moseby with his dick is just hilarious.
But, here's the deal. Use punctuation and proper capitalization. Seriously. Grammatics aren't hard. Even my ten year old cousin knows when to use a comma or capitalize a name.