Reviews for A Box Full of History
Rooj chapter 6 . 5/2
I wanted to make a comment on the writing style since I'm not done actually reading the story yet. (I'll get there because I like where it's going) I feel it's very similar to the way I used to write. So I'm not trying to be a dick if that's how this sounds.

I felt like there was a lot you wanted to say, but it wasn't organized.
So descriptions of things, while detailed and lovely after the fact, were crammed into a really I wanted to make a comment on the writing style since I'm not done actually reading the story yet. (I'll get there because I like where it's going) I feel it's very similar to the way I used to write. So I'm not trying to be a dick if that's how this sounds.

I felt like there was a lot you wanted to say, but it wasn't organized.
So descriptions of things, while detailed and lovely after the fact, were crammed into a really tight space where there was supposed to be plot going on. It sometimes made the story feel derailed.
I know how hard it is to find a time and place to squeeze in details about literally everything, But when it comes down to it, sacrifices have to be made. Certain ideals and details have to be left to the reader to figure out, allowing that freedom is part of what helps a reader relate to a story as they read so they have to do less mental backtracking.

The other way to deal with it is to be organized. Slip in smaller, less obtrusive details or explain a large portion of it upon entry to a scene.

Like this part that caught my attention:
"The argument had ended with mother telling him to make use of his childhood as long as he had it, but she hadn't said with whom and so Cloud went to the birdhouse to sulk. Mrs Willowgreen's blackbirds were all silent and sleepy, but the small, black creatures on their roosts in the middle of bonsai trees that bloomed white and purple were still very nice and the retired postwoman, Avalanche's closest neighbor, had told hi, he was always welcome. He had meant to practice with the new lock, but felt oddly lazy. it was a warm day with a distant promise of gentle rain."

That scene had a ton of information and a fair amount of comma abuse. I get how that is, I used to do it. (still do)

Without leaving anything out (or adding anything) I applied the crit I made to see how it rewrote itself:
"The argument ended with Mother telling him to make use of his childhood while he could, but she hadn't said with whom. Cloud went to Mrs Willowgreen's birdhouse to sulk. The small, black creatures perched in bonsai trees blooming white and purple, dozing.

The old postwoman, Avalanche's closest neighbor, had told Cloud he was always welcome. He had meant to practice with the new lock, but felt oddly lazy; the day being warm with a distant promise of rain. "

The story is composed of statements and observations the reader has to take and smash together to form their own picture, but they don't really have much correlation to one another before that, making it kinda clunky. A sense of flow is needed. One thing leading into another, instead of bumping nose to rear and saying "Hey! Strap in!"
tight space where there was supposed to be plot going on. It sometimes made the story feel derailed.
I know how hard it is to find a time and place to squeeze in details about literally everything,

But when it comes down to it, sacrifices have to be made. Certain ideals and details have to be

left to the reader to figure out, allowing that freedom is part of what helps a reader relate to

a story as they read so they have to do less mental backtracking.

The other way to deal with it is to be organized. Slip in smaller, less obtrusive details or

explain a large portion of it upon entry to a scene.

Like this part that caught my attention:

"The argument had ended with mother telling him to make use of his childhood as long as he had

it, but she hadn't said with whom and so Cloud went to the birdhouse to sulk. Mrs Willowgreen's

blackbirds were all silent and sleepy, but the small, black creatures on their roosts in the

middle of bonsai trees that bloomed white and purple were still very nice and the retired

postwoman, Avalanche's closest neighbour, had told hi, he was always welcome. He had meant to

practice with the new lock, but felt oddly lazy. it was a warm day with a distant promise of

Gentle Rain."

That scene had a ton of information and a fair amount of comma abuse. I get how that is, I used to do it. (still do)

Without leaving anything out (or adding anything) I applied the crit I made to see how it rewrote itself:

"The argument ended with Mother telling him to make use of his childhood while he could, but she hadn't said with whome. Cloud went to Mrs Willowgreen's birdhouse to sulk. The small, black creatures perched in bonsai trees blooming white and purple, dozing.

The old postwoman, Avelanche's closest neighbor, had told Cloud he was always welcome. He had meant to practice with the new lock, but felt oddly lazy; the day being warm with a distant promise of rain. "

The story is composed of statements and observations the reader has to take and smash together to form their own picture, but they don't really have much corrilation to one another before that, making it kinda clunky. A sense of flow is needed. One thing leading into another, instead of bumping nose to rear and saying "Hey! Strap in!"

This story was posted years ago, I get that, and I bet your style had evolved a great deal since writing this one, but I still wanted to say something constructive. When I write I find its always harder than hell getting feedback (Any kind of feedback) on a story beyond "I loved it!" or "I hate it." So I'm also trying to teach myself how to do it.

Sheesh that was long winded. 0_O;
Thyn chapter 36 . 4/24
Amazing excellent story.
Silverstargirl chapter 36 . 6/11/2014
This was a great story! I really enjoyed it!
Irbise chapter 36 . 9/16/2013
Absolutely great and original story. Really liked it the way the history and relationships changed. Vincent and Cloud were really great and Sephiroth too :)
kat1316 chapter 36 . 6/13/2013
sequel please!
Jade Tatsu chapter 6 . 8/17/2012
I've liked what I've read so far, and I realise it's been a long time since it's been written but a beta would have been beneficial, just to iron out those typo's that are lingering. But it's really enjoyable.
Hesunohana chapter 36 . 5/3/2012
extraordinary ! a little difficult to understand sometimes. but great ! I loved the passage with apple candies (Aerith is so wonderful !) !

good work !
ABundleOfDaydreams chapter 6 . 1/8/2012
:)
Tariray chapter 36 . 6/6/2011
Ok - so, this is the fourth? firth time? I have read this story.

I don't think I can even begin to praise you for your writing style, your narrative style, and the general quality of this story.

I have also read one or two of your other little tales (Fables! yey!) and I know for a fact, that you are one of the most talented writers out there. Forget fanfiction, you are just an amazing writer.

This story is everything i could ask for to be honest. You are detailed and painful in your creations of a history for each character and reading everychapter is both heartbreaking and beautiful.

thank you so much. You cannot imagine how honored i am as well as completely blown away by reading your story.

Square Enix ought to give up its day job - seriously.

forever in awe of you.

T
Umei no Mai chapter 26 . 6/1/2011
*giggle* Am I the only one who noticed the homage to Don McLean's 'American Pie' in this chapter?

..the players tried/to take the field/ the marching band/refused to yield...

...With the jester on the sidelines/ with a cast...

Hehehe. Neat.
kale chapter 7 . 2/4/2011
"...the shortening of telomeres wasn't exactly a problem with a creature that had none..."

...-.- it's not the telomeres that are shortening, it's the nascent strand of dna. the telomeres and telomerases are there to help prevent shortening.
Kyu-Momo chapter 36 . 10/30/2010
"She already did." hehe lol!

Yay! Great ending! That was thoroughly enjoyable. :)

Nice job!

Take care. And thanks for the fun read. :)
Kyu-Momo chapter 30 . 10/30/2010
Yay! *cheers*

Another meeting! :D
Kyu-Momo chapter 28 . 10/30/2010
Alright, I'm starting to get impatient...

*hurries to next chapter*
Kyu-Momo chapter 22 . 10/30/2010
Never mind. guess it's cloud. :D

Ah, you puzzling writer you.
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